Am I expecting too much? No drive and Cannabis

[Pepperss]

I have been with my husband for over 20 years and a running theme throughout our whole marriage has been my husband's lack of drive to plan anything and his cannabis use, which I feel I have stupidly allowed to continue by not being strong enough to see through my warnings of ending the relationship.

He is a loving father to our children and has helped me in many ways with my own aspirations but when it comes to planning he just seems utterly incapable. He has no idea about anything financial, no plans to achieve anything. He does not seem bothered about us owning a house (we have never been in a position to save a deposit but I desperately want to achieve this). He just bumbles away through life. He smokes cannabis and although he claims he does not smoke a high quantity compared to people he knows, this is surely instrumental to his lack of motivation. We have had many arguments about this and he seems incapable of giving up completely although he has tried many times.

I have worked hard to retrain and have a professional career and he has supported me with this, which I am very grateful for, but I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have a husband who takes action or has any desire to actually make positive changes?! Am I expecting too much here as he has an addiction, but in my view he is simply making a choice now. Can anyone relate or have any words of wisdom?

I had a very casual bf who used cannabis.. I said as long as he never brought any to my home it didn't concern me.
The night he brought some was the last time I saw him.
Raise your bar op.

Don’t waste the rest of your life.

What has kept you with him at all; the children?. Staying for their sake if it is the case has done you and them really no favours at all. You aren’t expecting too much to be with someone else who actually takes action.

Making threats to end the relationship and not seeing it through also allows for him to never take you seriously. He still thinks you'll never leave him even now.

I think you’re expecting too little.

Imagine how much he’s spent on drugs over the years that could’ve gone towards a house deposit. £100 a month = £1200 a year = £24,000 over the course of your relationship.

Some people just aren’t ambitious. My ex wasn’t; used to drive me mad, his father wasn’t and used to drive Mil mad and guess what: his son by his second marriage also bimbles along letting his very capable girlfriend do all the driving, practically and metaphorically. The cannabis probably isn’t helping but if he stopped smoking he probs would still be a passenger kind of person.
You say he doesn’t stand in your way and actively supports you and is a good father. Maybe play to your individual strengths: you do the planning and saving and he can do what he’s good at.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad or father comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

I think if it wasn't for the children I would have left years ago because of the cannabis. He does have good qualities and has been supportive in many ways, but I have recently turned 40 and really questioning what I want. I do love him very much but feeling incredibly frustrated

Hmm

Is it the cannabis or is it him?

I mean I've known (well know...) people who use it. But the people I know who use it also live full lives? They have careers, houses, ambition etc. they use it more in the sense of someone who's worked a 50+ your week and winds down with a spliff as opposed to a bottle of wine.

But that doesn't seem to be the case here. He seems to not be in control of it, and seems to be negatively affected by using it, and quite obviously that's having a negative effect on you and your family.

OP - there is not much to go on in your post. You say he is a loving father and has helped and supported your ambitions and re-training.
So - it's not possible to tell if his lack of ambition is actually related to his cannabis use.

You don't have to be in a relationship if you don't want to. You can leave for any reason, or without any reason, really. But realistically - no one is changing after 20 years. He does not care about owning a house. On it's own, it's not a crime. And people don't have to have the same ambitions as you do. Plenty of people are happy without an ambition, and just getting by.

But if ambitions are important to you - you can certainly re-start your life without him.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with being in a codependent relationship with him ?. Staying with him because of the kids really did both you and they no favours. He’s an addict and all you’re doing now and have done is to prop both him and his addiction up.