I’m posting here because I can’t talk about this in real life, and I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible.
I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents, especially my mum. We aren’t close, but I’m an only child so I do everything that’s expected — I take them to appointments, invite them for lunch, host Christmas, take the photos my mum wants so she can show her friends what a “lovely family” we are. It’s not awful, but a lot of it feels like performance. Still, I put the effort in.
A few years ago, my dad told me something horrific about our family history. He was drunk at the time, and he said that my grandad — who I adored as a child — had sexually abused his own children, including my mum. I didn’t know what to do with that information. My dad can be difficult, and he’d been unwell a few years earlier, so part of me wondered if he was confused or misremembering. It just seemed impossible because my grandad was wonderful to us as kids.
But I also know that abusers don’t look like monsters, and I’ve had to accept that it could be true.
That’s where the real problem starts.
I had a very close relationship with my grandparents. My grandad died when I was nine, but I remember him clearly. I spent a lot of time alone with him when I was little. And if what my dad said is true, I’m devastated that my mum allowed that. I did confront her about it, and now she’s upset that I’m not focusing on her trauma — but I can’t get past the fact that she let her young daughter be alone with someone she knew was dangerous.
I wasn’t kind to her when we spoke, and she’s elderly now. I don’t know what to do next.
I can't reconcile being a victim, and exposing your child to the same.