Is this abuse or could it have worked?

[SonK]

Ex - partner was very controlling and I have had to leave him( after he kicked us out and my family have been advising me to stay away from him) including our babies with no contact.

Sometimes I struggle with the thought that this is my fault and I am to blame.

I didn't report him to the police because I felt bad but he called the police on me to find out our whereabouts and when the police got in contact with me about why I am not with him, I briefly said he hurt me, the police said I had to report him - they didn't leave me and supported me until I reported him but they haven't arrested him yet.

Some of the things he did to me:

• Told me he would rent out spare room to foreign women because it would be interesting

• made me stay around his family smoking tobacco and shishah indoors when I was pregnant with my first until I left myself and then he was very angry

-sat on a different table away from me after an argument when we went to eat with his family, so I was sitting alone.

-flirting with the waitress when I was pregnant

-told me it was okay for his sister to shout at me because he wasn't answering her calls and so she was getting impatient

-said if her mum wants more grandchildren then he will make sure we have more children to please her

-threw a cup at my direction during an argument

-has hit me twice

-shames me for showing skin (wearing a t shirt or dressing) but gets annoyed when I tell him he is a creep and should not stare at women or look at inappropriate reels

-will not let me go to the gym or swimming

-expects my mum to drive 2 hours to come over and babysit when I ask him for help with the children

-makes fun of my family, for example their weight saying a certain person is too skinny and short.

-has made racist comments about my skin

-has made racist joke about my skin to his mum and when I mentioned his mum should not have laughed and is just as bad as him, he shouted at me.

-argues over stupid things to make me react, for example he does not accept that my skin is tan / olive toned but says that people are either black or white

-Has threatened to kill the children if we separate, after arguments

-I told him I am not cooking for anyone in his family any more until he gets better and respects me and my family but he said it's my job to cook for his family and guests no matter what.

Writing it all down it is more clear that he was the one starting trouble but I worry my children deserve a good father and he will never be that or that i took that from my children

I am overwhelmed and feel for my children, they are very you but what do I say to them when they grow up and ask about their father? Will they blame me for not trying enough

You are right, you are overwhelmed. Pretty much every single point you have put in your post is indicative of you being in an abusive relationship - where your partner was the abuser (just to be absolutely clear).

You made the best decision you have ever made and now you need to get every bit of help that you can. Please speak to your GP and any support provided by your local authority or the police for women who have escaped abusive relationships. Your children will one day thank you for not bringing them up with an abusive father. Stay strong and no matter what your ex-partners says, what promises he makes - never, ever get back together with him.

It is a statistical likelihood that if you had stayed, he would have killed you. I wish you well with your recovery.

He was horribly abusive, and none of it was your fault.
There's nothing you could have done to make things better, and you are much better off without him. Nobody should ever have to tolerate their partner behaving like that.

Has threatened to kill the children if we separate, after arguments

Tell your kids their father was a serious danger to you and them and you didn't want them ending up in the hospital or dead.

Thank you for the replies x I think I will not tell my children anything negative until they are old enough to understand at around 18.

I will just tell them their father lives very far and so is not with us if they ask.

I always wanted my children to have a perfect family with a mum and dad and I am still overwhelmed and dreaming if this could ever be true but the reality is harsh

You are/will be doing the right thing to leave.

Your children will be far better having a single mum who loves them and is happy and free, than they would be with a dangerous abusive father and deeply unhappy mother in their lives.

Don't doubt yourself, leaving is far and away the very best thing you could do to give them a "perfect" family in this situation. You can totally be their perfect family by yourself!

It would be a mistake not to tell them until they are eighteen.

It puts them in danger if he tries to hurt you by hurting them.

And, whilst I doubt they will be anything other than relieved that he has left, the only reason there would be resentment would be if they were not aware he was a rotten person and didn’t know why he wasn’t around. That leaves the, free to imagine that it could have in some way been your fault.

Be honest with your children. You do not have to tell them everything. But tell the, the age appropriate truth. Never ever make out he was a good person on tell the, that “daddy loves you” shit. Becuase it is, shit. And will confuse them for life. Abusers do not love us. Nor do they love the kids if they abuse their mother.

Teach them that we do not stay with people who are mean. That’s a very important life lesson. As is that we should not downplay or hide abuse.

You were right to leave. He's an abusive cunt and it would have only got worse. Threatening to kill your children was fucking disgusting and you should absolutely keep them as far away from him as possible

OP, if he threatened to kill your children, that alone is a police matter and needs reporting whether he meant it or not.

You need to protect them from him (physically and mentally). He should go through court to see them again.

Abusive people manipulate others and control their thinking but you need to see through the fog and get this guy arrested. He is evil.

You are right, I will not lie and say daddy loved them but will provide age appropriate responses until they are old enough to understand

Thank you, I have reported him to the police - initially I didn't and waited until my children and I were in a safe place due to fear of the death threats.

I also have digital proof whereby he does not deny the death threats but down plays it. I am hoping the Crown Court will use the evidence I have to decide what is best for my children as he really is a spiteful person.

You were in an abusive religious marriage. The religion deems those things as normal, hence why you are questioning yourself.
You did 100% the right thing , with confidence be proud of yourself

And what religion ‘deems those things as normal’? Absolutely none that I know of. Christianity? Judaism? Islam? None of these religions allow a husband to threaten to kill his wife or children, or to beat her.

Yes that was a very strange comment. Why is it always people who have never been inside a church or any religion institution in their life spouting mad so-called religious doctrine?

The bible is very harsh on male abusers fyi. And I’d wager many religions are.