This is going to be long. Sorry.
I love DH. He’s a great guy. He does have ADHD and that’s a bit of an issue in our relationship. Lots of ‘can you pack X’ <get to place> ‘oh fuck I didn’t pack X’. He hates it, he’s feels very frustrated and I try and be understanding. Most of the time I manage it, but I’ll be honest, there are times when (under my breath so the kids don’t hear) I go ‘oh ffs’. Like today: we went to a riverside pub and I asked him to bring the kids Crocs while I sorted the car, of course they werent in the car and were by the door when we got home.
We had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago; it’s really thrown me. We’ve had a shit year with him in in a precarious job situation. He’s fairly likely to be made redundant in the next month or two, but his executive disfunction is a factor and he’s more likely to be made redundant if it comes to him v anyone else. He was on a PIP for much of last year. After the miscarriage he said he didn’t want to carry on trying for a third. I’m sad about it, but I accept it takes two people to be pro for a baby to happen, so that’s done.
After the miscarriage he was awful and cold. Which is so not him. I was bleeding on the last bank holiday while I lost the baby and he went and played golf. He didn’t ask how I was at all and he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I was at home with the kids and losing the baby and he didn’t pick up. I’m finding thar hard to get past.
Mitigating factors - he’s genuinely, when happy, lovely. I think he’s depressed. I could have married some city guy who earned all the money but I didn’t want that: it’s what my mum picked and she was a sad SAHM. I thought having a caring partner and my own career would insulate me; I’m scared that all it means is I’m both the emotional anchor and the financial one. He’s ok for now in work but could lose his job at any point if the redundancy kicks in.
Another mitigation; our youngest is almost certainly ADHD too, too young for a diagnosis for another year but due to go to reception in September. He’s violent and has no impulse control and I’m terrified of what education will mean for him. Meanwhile our eldest is having to sit and watch a load of conflict with us and her brother.
We’ve spent the last week in a pattern: fine during the day, kids get to bed (eldest fine but the ADHD 4 yo has only just gone down) we start snipping at each other.
Is there any hope? I desperately want to stay married but we’re just being horrid to each other. We talk all the time about being kind to each other but we’re not.