Why does a brief but intense relationship ending hurt so much

[TheBaggins]

I had been seeing someone for just a month, we met online, we are both 56, everything was going great, we had an amazing connection and I have to admit I was falling for him. I knew he was autistic so I was trying to learn more about it and ask him more about how he manages it. He told me he had a meltdown about a week ago and said he needed space, I said that was fine, then he ended it with a message saying he didn't realise how fragile he was and how he has realised he is damaged emotionally (might be from his divorce 2 years ago or broken family relationships). Its heartbreaking and frustrating as I feel like he didn't give it a chance and I didn't have a choice in the situation, I don't understand why he was online dating if that was the case and I don't understand why he is telling me how wonderful I am and that I will find someone else, I guess he is doing what he thinks is kind but I have no idea how to get over it, I haven't met anyone like him in a really long time and I thought we had something really special. He said he wanted someone who liked him for who he is and I did that. Why does this hurt so much although we weren't together long.

Do you want the truth? Honestly? He said he didn't realise how fragile he was and how he has realised he is damaged emotionally... why on earth would you want to get caught up in that? It's not logical is it? You're better off out of it - you must be able to see that for yourself? It's not heartbreaking, you've known him for four weeks, your heart doesn't even know him yet. It's disappointing - sure; the dating world is a cesspit - of course! But he's someone who has recognised his inability to date anyone at the moment - kudos to him. If you think you are truly heartbroken then - true facts - you should not be dating either - being mildly sad about a four week relationship ending is one thing, but not heartbroken. Come on, you're not a kid. You have cheese in your fridge older than this relationship - get back out there, but only once you've dealt with this need to attach to someone so soon. I say that out of concern and care, I am not being unkind. But come on, logic needs to come into play, you're 56 not 16! You have plenty of time and the best person for you might be around the corner. I'm 47 by the way, so also fairly advanced in the world!

It sounds like you were way ahead of him in this relationship so he got cold feet. I'd play your cards closer to your chest in future. I guess that you are hurt because you have lost the relationship you thought you may have had in the future, not the brief one that existed. I'd learn from this and move on.

It means a lot to feel a strong connection with someone, and the disappointment of losing that connection can be very painful. Take good care of yourself and the pain will start to heal.

I think you need to work on yourself. Rejection is part of life, be it a chance at romance or a job application. It happens, but it is not something to dwell on. Especially after a few dates over a month.

Are you a rescuer? It sounds to me as if you might be. If so, I'd work on this with a therapist

I think if you have previously been in a good long term relationship sometimes your brain goes to that place quickly. As it sort of thinks, "ah I remember this feeling".
Equally it can happen on the other end of the scale, and if you have had many poor relationships and you feel desperate to have the security.
They're both quite similarly really.
I've seen it less in people that are very happy single.

Its heartbreaking and frustrating as I feel like he didn't give it a chance and I didn't have a choice in the situation

He didn't need to give it a chance and, no, ypu didn't have a choice in the situation. After all, no one owes anyone else a relationship. Yes, it's upsetting and frustrating, but he hasn't done anything wrong.

I don't understand why he was online dating if that was the case

He might not have realised it was the case until he started dating again.

As for why it hurts so much, after a month, you haven't even begun to get to know someone beyond the superficial or what they want you to know about themselves. After all, he didn't know you either. Did he really?

So you haven't had chance to get to know things about them that you might find less attractive or appealing which means they are still full of potential and it fills like a greater loss because you can't say to yourself, "Oh well, I probably couldn't have tolerated X about him long term anyway!"

Are you a rescuer? It sounds to me as if you might be.

I'd also agree with this.