Leaving - Practical advice and tips pls......and a handhold pls

[AfricanQueen0207]

Finally decided to bite the bullet, leaving verbally abusive marriage that is decades old....we came here as immigrants a good 20 years ago and our DD was born and raised here now 16 - citizens since 2017 but have never used any social benefits and don't know if I can still manage on my own without having to.

Pls advise on the following

DD has two more years high school and goes to Private. I have recently moved from 5 days a week full time to 3 days a week due to lots of health niggles many are peri menopause related and hence will pass, hopefully

My new income -- take home salary will be around 2200 pounds a month

Outgoings -

DD school - 2K per month school fees, no fees June and July 2 months a year
Mortgage left on this 5 bed house - 700 a month (never needed such a big place for just us three, def wont need this after I leave him, but also feel like moving out is so much work in the short term)

Council tax, utilities, phones, car MOTs, Insurance ......
Groceries .....

Probably another 1K per month on top of mortgage and school fees

aargh that is 3.7 K a month which I almost had at full time but I cant go back to that unless sorted health issues if ever I am 48

Can I ask the local council or women's aid for help in social housing and any other living cost benefit if I move out?
Or is the better route to ask school for a payment plan/subsidy explaining the situation for sixth form - school might agree that changing schools would be detrimental this late in?

DC has established friendships and would not want to move schools....

I expect STBXH to 'punish' me for wanting to leave by not making anything easy at all and by fighting me every step of the way
This latest final straw was him yelling at me this morning after a perfectly nice day yesterday at a friend's barbeque....

Important financial considerations

• equity - the equity in your home, savings, pensions, debts etc. What do you have between you (regardless of whose name it is in), and would a 50:50 split of these meet your needs (his and yours)?
• Living arrangements for your DD, and the child maintenance that may be due on one side or the other. Will she live 50:50 between you or live mostly with just one of you? If she is with you most of the time how much maintenance will you receive? Financial responsibility for your DD is his as well as yours.

If I understand correctly you have about £40k school fees left - depending on your joint equity this might be something you and DH agree to put aside for her.

Thanks for your reply @LadyGardenersQuestionTime ,

We share equity in our home for up to 350K roughly.....

But I think it will take up to 6-8 months to sell in this neighbour-hood, apart from which we do have savings that are not very liquid though around 50K

I just think he is going to dig his feet in , with any help at all - in fact, he will make things as hard as possible for me to settle down comfortably on leaving.....

I do feel overwhelmed and heartbroken that I now have no reason to hope this can be fixed, I think I have known it for very long now....

Just want to try and focus on the practical side of things if I can...

First of all, well done for deciding to choose a better life for yourself and your daughter. Secondly, while you know your own take home at present, your husband will have to pay child maintenance once you split, and depending on how you resolve things financially in the divorce, may well also be on the hook for a large part of her school fees.

Should that not be the case, I would talk to the school bursar, explain the situation and ask whether there are any bursaries she may qualify for based on the change in your financial circumstances. You may be surprised at how much help they can offer in reducing the fees if you can be clear about your new income and outgoings.

Obviously there will be joint property to be divided up and a financial settlement agreed when you divorce, so you may not be as badly off as you fear. It may even be that once you sell the house, you receive enough from the proceeds to buy somewhere smaller that meets your needs either mortgage free or with a lower outgoing per month.

Spend some time gathering up all of the financial information you can about your and his assets, bank accounts, pension, etc and making sure you have a very clear view of all of it that is ideally logged somewhere he can’t get at it: scan documents into a cloud account to which he doesn’t have access, making sure you don’t use passwords he can easily guess.

But his responsibility to support his daughter financially doesn’t end if you leave him. She’s his daughter as well as yours. There is comfort in knowledge. If you get the chance, have a chat to Citizens Advice, get recommendations for divorce lawyers, and start planning. I would also recommend the Freedom Programme from Women’s Aid, which was designed to help and support women in and leaving abusive relationships.

You have got this, no matter how daunting it feels right now 💐

💯

Thank you @GrumpyInsomniac , there is so so much kindness on this site, I always come here when I am low......

The other worry is that my DD can be convinced to come with her Dad to home country or the US to do Uni , just to separate her from me geographically ...my STBXH is a very spiteful person and will hate me for leaving ...always said would fight for full custody using any means possible etc.....

Luckily she wont get home student fees anywhere else in the world except here in the UK at this point ......so that should help make any other schemes hard to carry out......

You need legal advice asap. Good luck.

Thank you , have spoken to someone who is married to a lawyer , and they confirmed that it is DD's decision as over 16 now , and certainly will be her decision where she wants to go to Uni

she knows her dad has wronged us a lot and is a 'asshole' dad at times (her words as she has seen the verbal outbursts growing up)

but she still is highly empathetic, kind, forgiving and also has imbibed many of my people pleasing ways growing up .....

Makes her well suited for the professions she is interested in but also worries me that she can be influenced to do uni somewhere far away by her dad who had threatened revenge if I leave him (why, I cant know as the marriage is mutually unhappy)

I guess these are risks that every divorced mother has to face ......

I think the fact that you're doing your best to keep her at her school with her friends will probably count a lot in your favour when she decides who she wants to live with. Most girls her age won't want to go and live abroad and leave their friends behind, and since they'll already be talking about things like uni, chances are that she's not going to be prepared to be dragged off to your home country.

As for why your nasty husband would do this, it's because he loses control, and abusers love to be the ones in control of the relationship. It's also why leaving an abuser is often so hard and - where physical abuse has been a factor - so dangerous, because they are about to lose their control over you. All you can do is make sure that you have thought through and prepared as much as possible, consulted a lawyer etc, and come up with a plan.

If you think there is a chance the abuse could turn physical, you'll probably want to line up a place to rent before you leave him so you can leave one morning and just not go back. Think ahead about things like where you keep your and your daughter's passports, birth certificates and other important documents, and think about whether you have a friend you would trust to keep a small box of important things for you without telling your husband. But as a previous poster said, you need legal advice. That's a project for your next day off.

Thank you, your kindness has helped me immensely today....Bless....