Struggling to stay close to a friend in an abusive relationship

[Hotoutisntit]

I’m not sure how to go about this relationship with my friend, I’m finding it increasingly more difficult. I first want to start by saying that I was in my friends position, not as physically bad but it was bad. My friend is in/not in/in again an abusive relationship. I left right after having my first child and that was it. She has gone on to have another child despite the fact he beat the hell out of her multiple times and he should be in jail. She sends me pictures of when the times are good and I’m not able to respond to those pictures anymore because this man should not be near her children, but she won’t do anything about it. She tells me she would never be in the position to give them what he can. I have tried to reason with her but nothing works, I simply can’t understand what’s happening. For me the first moment it happened in front of my child I left. Why is she not protecting her children from him? He isn’t really that bothered about being a parent anyway and she kind of forces him to bother, I can’t understand this.

Thank you for saying that. She is a victim and has been for a very long time, it’s so so heartbreaking. But I have learned in life that you can’t fix people but you can harm yourself trying. I am sat here so confused how to respond to these holiday pics and it’s taken my head all weekend.

I don’t know if op is judging, but it’s fine if she is. The man is a complete bastard of course and should be judged, but this woman isn’t protecting her children and that should be judged and criticised too. I was a child whose mum didn’t protect her and I judge her. Supporting is sometimes enabling.

She has two small kids. What she is normalising for them is horrific. She’s had friend after friend supporting her but it’s not worked and the kids are living this.

You have to put this down. It's really hard I know but you can't force her to leave. Take a very big step back. You can't save everyone and it's not your life to live. You also don't need to collude in it by liking happy families photos.

'Giving her likes' is completely unnecessary and not the issue. The fact that's your dilemma is very shallow. She is allowed to enjoy a nice moment on holiday with her kids even though she's suffering in an abusive relationship, and isn't broadcasting it.

All you have done here is comment on her every difficult decision as if this ought to be easily fixed. You're not really her friend if you think she's got herself into this, kept herself in it when she didn't need to and it's as simple as doing what you did because you know best. 11

Ok, obviously she deserves a nice time. But as I’ve said to her you don’t need the 5* hotel overseas paid for by your partner. He will only hold you to it later. You can take them on your own camping trip. Somewhere where every minute the kids and yourself aren’t walking on egg shells and you aren’t in a foreign country. We all know that the holiday is not the pictures she is posting and getting likes is only further normalising everything. She says when she is in his company she is very careful so as to not let the kids hear the arguments but they hear it all the time.

I don’t think it’s shallow. No one is enjoying that holiday they all on watch for his temper. Seeing it this weekend as only made it more obvious that she is going to continue to normalise the whole thing. That is why I’m confused as to how to continue with the friendship. It’s hard to watch someone “unintentionally” keep damaging their children after already loosing contact with a previous.

She says she can’t have the good times without him, she can’t afford the luxury things that her kids deserve to have. They deserve to have good holidays and things. So she puts up with it. Why should they loose out. I can’t put the two things together in my head, kids deserve good things paid for by a man that broke your nose and your eye socket and your nose and your knee and the list goes on……. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m being a bitch here for not being happy. Seeing him hold his kids hands in pictures is making me feel sick.

You are so deeply embedded in this it’s not good for you, and it’s not good for your friend.
You brain has its own issues due to abuse. It is awful for you.
You have been a good friend to her but your own experiences are clouding the view.
Step away for a while and let her get shitty with you. You’ve done all you can.
It is almost like dealing with an addict. You can say to her something like…
‘Alison, I’m really struggling with liking your holiday pics after all you have been through, and what you have shared with me.
I respect your wish to make decisions about your own life, and your children.
Should you need me in an emergency then I am always here for you. That will never change.
I need a break for my own wellbeing.’
That is it. You being involved like this helps nobody. You get upset and she stays with him.
By letting her know you will be there an emergency, you are being a good friend.

Yanbu to struggle with this.

It happens a lot on the relationships board. A poster describes an abusive relationship with another adults like a spouse, sibling or parent and will defend them when replies say that the other person is abusive. Lots of excuses and “but he’s a great dad “ sort of replies. I assume that the poster isn’t ready to hear it or their idea of abuse is more extreme- physical injuries needing hospitalization etc

I also think that the abused person believes all the derogatory comments that they hear from their abuser and truly believe that they won’t cope without their abuser.

Based on the relationships posts, I know that there is a lot of minimizing and denial of how bad things are with the abuser claiming that the kids don’t know or they use cliches like they don’t want kids to be from a “broken home” when it’s the abuser who has smashed it up. They post about one or two incidents when the reader knows that there will have been many many more. Well done for getting out and trying to end the cycle with your generation. I think that your friend will be in for a shock when the kids become adults and show or tell her how their home life affected their lives. Those kids will be at higher risk of becoming abusers or accepting abuse because of their mother staying.

I know that minimising is a survival behaviour. I did the same thing. I left when my ex threw something that hit our child “by accident”. But I was never attacked liked my friend (not that it makes it any better but it’s way less insidious when they actually break bones, it’s obvious). I am worried about the kids. What I don’t understand is how someone can stay through this? I guess I’m coming from a different experience. I don’t want to be an enabler sitting at home liking and commenting on her photos when it’s not ok. A fancy holiday for a week won’t do anything to help them like she says, they don’t need it, they need her to leave and stay left.

There are newer friends who don’t know commenting and she is replying about how happy she is and how amazing the place is etc and honestly I sound like a broken record but I’m confused. She is getting back on the merry go round. It will be hard to pull away as kids are good friends. But I can’t take it.

You need to step away and mean it.
You need to protect your wellbeing.
You have become highly trauma-bonded and you will be devastated for her children.
But she’s not going to leave and you cannot save her.
Take a break, hit pause and concentrate on your wellbeing.
My other half stepped in, in the end as I wasn’t sleeping or eating I was on high alert.
It sounds dramatic but I kept thinking I was going to get a call that he’d killed her.
Please please take a break.

I have a similar situation with a friend and I found it really hard, in part because it was very triggering in regard to my own experiences.
I don’t want to lost the friendship and I want to be there for her when she does finally fully leave so I had to step back emotionally and every time she says she is leaving I’m supportive but prepared that she will go back. I really miss who she was before this relationship and I hope to have her back at some point

Did you at any point while receiving these awful messages and images, report him to the police or make a call to Social Services? I know that’s not the point of your thread but we all have a duty to safeguard and surely at some point you would have thought to report it?

I feel a similar way like with my ex, not quite the same but uneasy. I want a peaceful life, I know I need one as I’ve my own demons to heal. I don’t want to be selfish though. For a bit I thought some help would work. But after a recent conversation where she told me she’s had many friends over the years who’ve walked away and she understood why it got me thinking I think I’m just going to be another. I thought I could fix it but you really can’t. I’ve advised and suggested etc but it’s done nothing. I just feel so bad for the kids. I can tell from all the photos they have really close relationships with the mums friends kids and then they just disappear from photos.

I believe she went to the police then retracted it. I have no proof of anything and she has been reported to social services before. I don’t know what story to believe but I’m starting to think she has told them they aren’t together and they are. I do believe she is currently under social services but I’m not sure. These photos were historical also.