Husband's affair after 20 years of marriage and hostile divorce

[londonmaman]

My husband of over 20 years had been avoiding talking to me and spending time with the family. I felt something was really wrong and asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage and his answer was that he wanted a separation.
i was in total shock as i knew we had problems but thought they were behind us.
we started couple counselling but it still felt very off.
then i discovered that he had taken his mistress on an expensive one week holiday in Asia instead of working / be by himself.
when he came back, I told him I knew he was cheating on me but without showing him the proof.
instead of apologies he blamed me for his affair , on the fact that the marriage has not been working for years and how unhappy he was. He told me the affair started a year ago and he lied to protect me and above all the children.
I felt sick to think of how he was sleeping with two women at the same time and how brazenly he lied to our faces.
now we are divorcing but he’s becoming hostile and treats me as if I’m his enemy.
he wanted to stay in the house even though he has plenty of money to rent a place. He painted himself as a victim, being cut off from his house and his children by a bitter wife (he’s staying with a single friend in a house, the kids told him they don’t want to see him until things calm down or divorce is through).

i am so heartbroken and bewildered as how the most trusted person in my life can behave like this.
the children (older teenager and at university) are so devastated and hurt too but he said it’s nothing to do with them. He said his family is now just him and the kids. I’m cut out of his life as if he’s thrown me over and got on with his new life.

the husband that I’ve been married to for over 20 years has turned into a monster or is that the mistress's influence???

you have been so helpful and supportive. I’m reading up on all recommendations right now.
the script, chump lady etc.
thank you, I feel less alone and mentally so much better after reading your comments

you have been so helpful and supportive. I’m reading up on all recommendations right now.
the script, chump lady etc.
thank you, I feel less alone and mentally so much better after reading your comments

Firstly the affair is in NO WAY your fault. This is a typical wanker get out to try and make himself feel better.

Speak to a solicitor. I know the cost is frustrating but you cannot count on this slimey asshole to do anything he can to get out of making this fair.

Hold tight OP. Thinking of you.

The mistress will no doubt be here on mumsnet in a few years saying something similar to you.

I do wonder if sometimes when people are caught cheating they feel an element if guilt. (Obviously only once caught) and that guilt turns into anger against their former (hope its now former usually) partner.

Think its also a total lack of willing to take any responsibility whatsoever for what THEY have done to ruin everything.

Sending hugs as well

No, that's him projecting blame onto you, and acting like you don't exist so he doesn't have to acknowledge how badly he's treated you. He's riddled with guilt and prefers to not deal with the hurt he's caused. Once you get over the shock stand up to him and make yourself known, don't be treated as if you are invisble, which is exactly what he wants.

I'm sorry OP but this is a classic gaslighting male response to his having an affair, basically blaming you for his poor behaviour.
Having once been a victim of this behaviour myself you will be far better off without him. Just ensure you get all the financial information you can and find a good divorce lawyer. Good luck 💐

Shorter marriage and no affairs involved but my ex’s anger towards me is unfathomable.

He has completely fabricated me into this evil woman, even involving the police.

It is bonkers and I don’t known what has triggered this reaction…still better than being married to him though (I’m a year into the split, awaiting finances)

Friends are 18 months into separation and the one to initiate the break up has become very angry. That one is angry that friends are still associating with the x and helping where they can (housing, dinners, employment etc).

to the best of our knowledge there’s no 3rd party involved. However it seems to us that the initiator had in their head things would turn out a certain way and they haven’t.

they believed there would have been more financial benefit to them than what has occurred, mainly because they told themselves a certain way was going to be how it worked out. They were very close to getting the other party to sign an agreement while that person was still blindsided this was happening.

so I think this is part of why your Hubby is behaving how he is. It’s not going to his plan and no doubt the OW is putting pressure on too, being under the impression (provided by your Hubby) things were going to be a certain way. She may have even believed the separation was further along than it was…

you don’t have to leave your bedroom door unlocked. Pack up his belongings from that room and dump them where ever he is sleeping.

Echoing every single word you said.
I wish I could understand why they change into a monster.

Similar here, except he wants me to forgive him but I am very happy in my new relationship and have no intention of taking him back. He refuses to move out of the family home and is so angry, casting himself as the victim, telling his friends that I have a relationship (I was very discreet about our initial breakup).

it’s horrid.
and exhausting.

i can only guess that the anger is because you are not doing what he wants and he is losing his family, rather than being able to have his cake and eat it.

hopefully this period won’t last long…

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this awful experience. Andrew G Marshall has some books that explain 'Affair Brain' - involving the demonisation of the betrayed partner - and the reasons for it (and the affair itself) that you may find helpful once you're over the shock a bit. You won't get any sense or honesty out of him while he is deep in 'Affair Brain' - please especially don't believe any of his delusions that any of this is your fault. If you can, get a therapist &/or an army of good friends so you have some emotional support and go to see a family solicitor so you can at least feel more relaxed about the practical aspects of your situation. Focus if you can on damage limitation and protection of your and your kids' interests. Fwiw everyone I know who has gone through this, although it was probably up there with the worst experiences in their lives, is now doing well. This is not the case for their destructive ex-husbands, who could leave the poor wives they had blamed for everything & anything that was wrong but ultimately were not able to leave themselves behind, so took their real problems with them. Wishing you all the best - be gentle with yourself and focus on the practicalities and you will get through this.

The sooner you can get your own home elsewhere that he can’t access, the better. So act like you don’t want to sell but pretend to begrudgingly be like “if that’s what you want then I suppose that’s what you want”. He wants to hurt you so you need to be aware that if he thinks something hurts you, he will do it. You can use that to your advantage.

But he must not get the money from the sale in his account or you’ll never see it. It must come to your account first or an account managed by the solicitor and then split appropriately. Be aware, some solicitors will only transfer to one account so find that out first, if they can split the sale money. It might be the case in the divorce that one of you owed more or less than 50/50 though so if you are selling the house before the divorce… then maybe don’t buy a new place until it goes through, maybe stick to renting. Speaking to a divorce solicitor first should keep you right though cause I could be talking shit.

And put a lock on your bedroom door in the mean time. Move his stuff out of the room. He’s moved out, it’s your bedroom, don’t let him bully you about it.

@Sodthesystem thank you for the advice.
At the moment he just wanted to sell as soon as possible but 1) it doesn’t suit me or the children to move as daughter still have 2 more years of schooling and 2) market is so bad for selling.
I want to take my time and not be dictated by what he wants. He has a place to live and earns more than enough to rent a place by himself if he wants to.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. This is a tale as old as time .

So many women on here have the same story (me included). All the problems in your marriage were your fault. His affair was your fault because you drove him to it. You weren’t giving him enough attention. He needs to prioritise his happiness. It is The Script.

It makes me so angry. The enormous hurt of betrayal aside, what has happened is that he left the marriage only thinking of himself. He prioritised his own happiness and future and the fact that there were two people in the marriage that both deserved care and dignity completely escaped his awareness. You were married to this person for 20 years and he’s totally destroyed your life without giving two shits. Then to add insult to injury he’s blamed you. It screams of narcissism. The selfishness and cruelty is hard to get your head around.

Do your best to stay strong but for now you have every right to feel all the emotions. In the long run, stay true to your values. Be the person your kids will be proud of. Whatever you do don’t let the anger and pain turn you into a person you do not want to be. He is not worth it.

Sending you a virtual handhold.

Thank you @Odditea.
He’s now using eldest child as therapist and justifying his decision to her and to complain about how nasty I am depriving him of his house and children. I don’t know his exact words or her reply and I leave her to deal with her dad directly. I was told the gist of it and apparently he wrote a page long.
The younger kids have not replied to his texts since he left.
It’s not fair on the children and he should see his therapist instead.

My parents divorced late 90s, they were married for over 25 years, he was cheating, my mother got both houses and several small pensions which when the time came, topped up her state pension nicely for her to enjoy life her way.

Their divorce took 5 years I think my father thought she'd break due to her mh issues but in a weird way it gave her purpose. Barristers and solicitors she dealt with them all, the delays he caused with paperwork, deliberately delayed payments to her. She had to be careful with money for those years for all the fees but after the divorce she inherited from my grandfather and then really started to enjoy life properly, many big holidays, big shopping trips.

She did become a chronic overbuyer of stuff and caused me a big headache decluttering after her death, at the time I mentioned slowing down on the buying, I understood it was her release after so many years of holding back but she was running out of space in her house it got so bad.

Anyway, cut to today, my mother has passed away, my father is going through a divorce from the OW and has moved out of the house, what we've discovered is he is a complete PITA to live with. Fully grown adult, who when working was very successful, but who simply cannot function properly in any capacity. Completely clueless, crashing through his day.

I wish my mother was here for me to tell her. That he wasn't living the charmed life that we thought he was, that he was being made to suffer with the OW, their life was a sham with very little authenticity or closeness between them, that now he's retired he has no anchor to help him, no friends and has a serious drinking problem.

I hope my mother knows all this and that she had the better life out of all the upset and grief that she went through. I remember telling her when it was all happening, your best revenge is to live well and by god she did!!

I wish you well OP (and the others on this thread going through this), find your anger, your strength, your purpose and afterwards, live well 💐

Sorry, I've written a book.

He’ll want to sell the house so he can buy a new plush place for him and his mistress. If he is spending all that money on her, he’s got to keep up the act in the housing situation too.

Dont try to do this on the cheap. Pay for a solicitor. They will sometimes let you pay them after the divorce is settled if you don’t have cash now. I would worry he’s hidden money too so worth a legal expert.

Also, make sure you mention the expensive flowers and holiday. That’s joint money.

And pension! Sometimes you can negotiate keeping the house in your name if you leave his pension alone.

Don’t feel bad playing hard ball. You’ve given your life to this man. He doesn’t get to blow it all up because he’s had his head turned. He doesn’t get to walk away and act like you don’t exist. Fight for what is yours .

This ⬆️. Also, everyone else thinks he’s a massive tosser. His new relationship is almost certainly doomed. He may well beg to come back. It’s pathetic and they’re all the same.
Treat yourself exceptionally kindly and do go hard on all separation and divorce matters. Do not on any account fall for his “poor me” bullshit.

That’s really shameful. It just shows how he is putting himself first. I bet it hasn’t even occurred to him that that is not in her best interests. His actions will speak for themselves and they will see it. As hard as it is when everything is so raw, try not to stoop to his level.