To feel sorry for myself?

[Ilikesundays]

Married nearly 60 years (to the same man). He’s now housebound and practically immobile following a series of strokes and general debilitation. We have daily carers in to help wash and dress him and I do the cooking and the shopping and feed him. Throughout our long marriage, he has never been at all demonstrative or openly affectionate, though when I’ve said “I love you” , he answers mechanically “I love you too”. Perhaps he means it. He’s never been one for cards or presents or taking me out on birthdays or anniversaries. I’ve organised special events, liike our Golden Wedding, 9 years ago.
Hes like this with our 3 adult children too and the grandchildren. That’s just what he’s like. I suppose I should be glad I’ve always had him and still do. Sickness and health and all that. But I do feel resentful he’s never demonstrated his love for me (such as it is) in any tangible way. I went to see his sister and BIL today (which is what has prompted this post) who have been married almost as long as us. He was holding her hand and looking at her so lovingly. I thought of my own arrid marriage, sadly. People have much worse marriages, I’m only too aware. He’s never abused me in any way, just taken me for granted. I suppose that’s got to do.

I’m so sorry. No advice, but I wish you joy and happiness

Thanks!

Its not too late to tell him how you feel x

He's poorly but can still speak and show that he appreciates you surely

And as for you, how can you find joy in must what be tough circumstances? You deserve to feel happy

For me, i but myself flowers - for about £10 i can get 3 x small bunches of roses that fill out a vase - the colour just reminds me that there is still life out there for me

xx

I’m sorry you’re feeling low, op. Seeing his sister and her husband being more demonstrative and affectionate with each other than you’re accustomed to with your dh must have stirred up feelings of regret, for what you might also have had, but for all you know they might have started arguing the minute you left! It’s easy sometimes to draw conclusions about relationships when you’ve just seen a snapshot. I’m certain that people in most long marriages experience being taken for granted. There’s a strong bond of shared history, your children and grandchildren, which has kept you together. Some people (men especially) find it very difficult to express their emotions, but still feel deeply about their spouse/partner. It must also be difficult for you seeing your husband incapacitated. You can’t change how a person is, the only thing you can change is how you react to the situation. It sounds like life is quite hard for both of you at the moment. Might it help if you had an outlet to express your feelings about everything? Do you have things you do regularly outside the home? Maybe a creative writing group, or other hobby, chatting to friends/family, even talking to a Counsellor, perhaps?

Thank you both for your empathy. It’s all just getting me down. He’s been getting progressively worse over the last four years and it’s unremitting. He’s very silent and doesn’t respond to anything any of us say to him except to say Yes or No or Stop it! to the carers. He seems to like listening to audiobooks, so we listen to them together (we seem to have listen to several hundreds over the last few years!) I do try and get out and see friends in the mornings when he goes back to sleep after breakfast but he gets agitated if I’m not there after about 12.00 noon. Not that he speaks to me when I am there - or, to be fair to anybody else.
i did try counselling (on Zoom) only for the counsellor, no doubt meaning well, told me to look forward to all the things I would be able to do once he had “gone”! I stopped the counselling at that stage.

There are carers groups maybe look them up in your local area? You deserve companionship and that is possible.
I'm sorry that you are in the situation and also for your husband.. You are keeping everyone stable, you deserve sunshine friendship and simple pleasures, hope you can get out a bit in the good weather.

Am guessing you must be 80 ish. Well, I guess a lot of guys that age are in that zone of being a tough bloke and emotions for girls sort of thing. I know my grandparents (to be fair they would be 100 now) were a happy couple but my nan wore the trousers and he did what he was told. DIdnt see much in the way of hand holding and words, but I know he cared in his own way. He was not very demonstrative to me or my mum but he cared for both.

Sorry you feel like that though. Some people are just that tough emotionless on the face of it type of people. I would struggle with someone like that but (as a 50 yo guy) I am very open and have no problems letting someone know how I feel - which has its own issues as that can be taken advantage of but holding back is not my style.

Oh lovey that sounds awful. In sickness and health doesn’t take into account the bone crushing effect of being with someone who just doesn’t care about you. He is incredibly selfish and it seems like he always has been, you are just another carer to him, without pay.

what do you want out of life? If you knew how much life you had left would you stay? If you left what is the worst that would happen?

many years ago my elderly neighbour left her husband after 60+ years of marriage. She explained that if she stayed she would have been unhappy for all her adult life and she had to have some happiness before she died.

She moved into a retirement complex, made friends and enjoyed her life right to the time she died 10 years later.

shoot me for being cruel but I would say look at what you have now and what you could have if you left, not forgetting he could outlive you!