Should I stay?

[HopingForHelp2]

Hi everyone, looking for some outside perspective to help me figure things out.

My husband and I are new parents, and are loving our new role. The problem I have is with our relationship, and I’m honestly lost as to whether I want to stay or not.

A bit of background: since we got married and before I was even pregnant my husband was speaking constantly to a female work colleague (texting), and his care and interest in me fell away (after being together for more than 10 years). My anxiety around it got so bad that I spoke to him about it and said I needed breathing space from him talking to her, or taking about her - and he agreed.
The next day I asked to see some of the texts they were sending to understand the nature of the texts etc, and after agreeing not to text her after our conversation, he had text her from morning to night that day.
Not only did he go against what we’d spoke about, seeing the texts revealed him speaking inappropriately to her. Not in any sexual manner, but making comments constantly like ‘I’m not going anywhere’, ‘I care so much about you’, and even about her body (only once) ‘stair master is clearly working for you’.
I was devastated. Absolutely heartbroken.
We tried counselling, but that made things worse.

Fast forward a few months and I’m pregnant. I’m thrilled, and everything from before seems so insignificant, but to my surprise (after us talking about our future and kids for years), the reaction I get is ‘what do we do with that?’
He didn’t want the baby but said he didn’t want me to go through the trauma of an abortion.
Pregnancy with him was awful from start to finish. He didn’t want to talk to me, look at me, or even be in the same room as me. We didn’t go out anywhere together, and he spent most of the time either at the gym or playing his computer game away from me. I was lonely, isolated, in denial, whilst trying to still enjoy pregnancy and the idea of becoming a mum.
I was so confused and spent most of the time tip-toeing around him, whilst also trying to bring up conversations to find out what was happening, where things went wrong, and if we could move forward.
I was sat down and told all the ways I was emotionally manipulative, which I took on the chin. I was told that he had fallen out of love with me - that it happened before I was pregnant.
But despite all of this, I spent every night researching depression in men, in fathers-to-be, asking midwives for help, anything I could do. And every time I brought things to him he wasn’t interested, shut me down, and said he’d be fine once the baby was here.

Miraculously once the baby was here, I did see a change, and I continue to see changes - he is actually trying. Doing more things round the house (finally taking more of his fair share), willing to sit and listen to what I have to say and making changes in himself from those conversations, being a present dad.

But ultimately I feel like things are just not the same. I see someone different now - a different version of him. He’s not the person who loved me unconditionally, he’s not infatuated with me anymore, he’s not the person who compliments me just because, or tells me he loves me because he feels like it when he looks at me.
And I am far more reserved. I don’t trust what he says anymore. I don’t believe his plans, intentions etc.
I’m constantly wondering how I was so stupid to believe for all those years that someone could be so right for another person - and feel I was just naive for so long. Is this real life now?
He is an amazing dad. Unfortunately though he’s now recently told me he doesn’t want more kids - that means I don’t get the opportunity to experience a pregnancy that I deserve, to have that excited moment of telling him I’m pregnant.

I want the family unit more than anything for me and my child. I’m just not sure if I can move on from all the hurt and disappointment. The change in what I believed my life was to what it is now.
I refuse to give up time with my child because of the way I’ve been treated - how can that be fair?

Basically what I’m looking to find out is - does time actually heal things? Will there be a day when my trust returns and I feel fully back in this relationship again? Is there a way that I can accept my new future?

He’s broken your heart and destroyed your trust, knowing that, what has he done to try to repair the relationship? You said he sat you down, pointed out your shortcomings and told you he no longer loved you.

I think he’s marking time, you’re worth more than that and your child certainly is.

A big virtual hug, but you know what you need to do.

Congratulations on your baby, OP. I hope you have a lovely experience with parenting and you enjoy every minute of it.

As for your partner, he sounds immature and fickle, and appears he love bombed you in the beginning and may not be capable of sincerity over time. Is there any coming back from what he did, maybe, but is he going to be a fundamentally different person, probably not. I've realized through failed relationships that you have to find a good one - one who is compatible. For the most part people don't have the capacity to change themselves - sooner or later the same concerns/anxieties will return. Good luck, whatever you decide.

I hate to say it but no, probably not to all of your questions. I was disappointed in my partner’s reaction to and some behaviours whilst I was pregnant and they weren’t on the scale of what you described. Even so, I’ve never fully gotten over it and it has led to resentment which hasn’t really dissipated over time. Mine doesn’t want any more children either which just compounded the resentment.
You may learn to move past it and put it down to the shock of a huge life upheaval but I think you’ll always have it in the back of your head that he was less than what you deserved from a partner and that’s a lot to live with

I think you know deep down it's over. Once someone says they aren't in love with you.... sorry x

He has very few shits to give about you, but clearly cares more about her. I hate to say it, but it sounds as if he was conflicted about you and possibly wanted to be with her and now regrets staying with you?

I think you'd be best off without him, intuition is rarely wrong. I personally would have ditched him ages ago just on the basis of endlessly texting another woman and his compliments on her body. Massive red bunting of multiple flags waving in the wind.

Many congratulations on your baby, but I think the best family unit would be without this two-faced liar.

Oh and the fact he told you he no longer loves you... and should have told you before you got pregnant.

Pack a bag, hand it to him, open the door. What an utter scumbag.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. That is precisely what you have done here.

You and he should no longer be together. He is not worthy of you because he is a cheat.

If trust is damaged it is basically impossible for it to return . If there is no trust there is no relationship.

He’s not a good dad if he treats you poorly.

I think you may want to leave when you are young. Give yourself a chance, before sinking in more time with this looser.

He’s told you how he feels about you. He’s listened and made efforts to be a good dad, but not a better partner to you. That says it all about how he feels about you. Time will hopefully heal you but perhaps not your relationship as only you want this relationship and he doesn’t.

What in his actions, words and behaviours is not clear to you about his commitment towards you that you don’t see it?

Separate and try to find a way to co parent well. This relationship died a long time ago and it can’t make either of you happy.

Agree with others you should cut your losses and separate. The way you have set it out here it sounds very clear that he doesn’t love you, which must be absolutely gutting, but sounds like that was quite a long time coming - including before you got pregnant.
I understand your concerns about a future where your baby has to spend time with their dad, and I’ve been there. The way I approached it was to try and do as much of my “non child” stuff while they were with their dad - so the cleaning, shopping, and (when they were small) I skewed my part time work hours to when they were away (appreciate that’s not possible for everyone). I missed my child so much when they were with their dad, but keeping myself busy with other stuff that I could tell myself meant I could give them more of me when I had them, did make it easier (and I like to think, better for them).
it’s probably irrelevant to how you move forward, but the period between you seeing those messages to his crush (or mistress) and you getting pregnant sounds off. Did he promise you it was all over with her and that he wanted to start a family with you, or was it more of an accident? If the former, I worry you are dealing with a highly manipulative man, in addition to someone who has fallen out of love.
either way, although your concerns about having to share your child are understandable, I do think that is infinitely better both for you and your baby. For you it avoids you being stuck in a love less marriage, both growing ever more bitter, and for your kid, obviously it avoids them growing up thinking that is what a loving relationship is like, and as they get older, inevitably realising they are the reason for the mutual misery of their parents. Sorry to put it starkly like that OP, but it sounds like you kind of know this already, but you need people to tell it back to you straight