Sad that my son seems unsure whether relationships last after divorce

[Musing33]

Watching a film with my tween boy today and we got to a scene where a character appears and is now pregnant with their husband in the background. Son very casually says ‘I wonder if they stay together.’ It was a casual comment but it did break my heart a little as my husband, his father had an affair with a married woman when he was around five and I divorced him a year later. Ex said he had stopped the affair and I suffered for a year trying to please his every whim to have the other woman’s husband text me to say it had been continuing the whole time. I did try but our marriage finished. We are now amicable and my son has a good relationship with his father. He doesn’t know about the affair or at least, I haven’t told him. Emphasised that our marriage breakup was entirely our choice and that we both love him very much. I have read lots on how to ensure his confidence isn’t impacted by our divorce and to encourage him to see marriage, live and family as a positive thing but his comment made me sad as in the background he is obviously thinking about it. I have never remarried, out of choice. Just hoping he can grow up to be confident of good marriages and love and the beauty of it despite my,our experience of it. 💔

Maybe he should know what happened when he's older. It's a good lesson about consequences in relationships. And would help him see that it broke down for a reason, not because you didn't feel like it any more. His interpretation was almost a takeaway from the story you gave that minimised the reason for separating.

But he's too young now.

I’m with him tbh hardly any relationships last these days.

In time when he’s older perhaps. Feels wrong to share details of something that was so painful with him, but, he may already be trying to process what happened.

Yes, sad for a child to think that way though. I want him to be aware of healthy relationships and to believe in love and marriage. I did when I married his father, it just didn’t work out as planned.

Well firstly OP your H having an affair was entirely down to him and his life choices which you had no control over.

Secondly given the number of relationships that don't last - either of people known personally or in the public eye- then I think even if you and your H were still together then your DS would still be speculating about whether relationships will last or not.
When I was young very very few people, apart from high profile ones who lived in a different world anyway, got divorced. Today things are very different and I think your DS is being very realistic in his thoughts.

And the fact you and his Dad are on good terms is very much a positive for his view of relationships.

Yes, and you say good terms and I realise we perhaps could be more friendly. I would describe us as acquaintances now which is as much as I handle for while but perhaps it’s time to be less closed off from him.

I probably would have said (about the scene) that even if they don’t stay together it was still a success because they had their child because of it. Not everything is made to last forever.

That is lovely reply and one I will share.

There is no guarantee that an any romantic relationship will last though. A long lasting relationship doesn’t equal a success on time alone either - I don’t think that’s a sad thing, it’s just realistic. I know nobody gets with someone thinking it will end, but the ending of a relationship shouldn’t be treated with shame either.

Does he not have any friends whose parents are still married? You could point that out to him, John's parents Clive and Alice are still married.

Also it is easy for us to say celebrities are getting divorced because that is headline news, but no one is saying look these celebrities have been married for 30 years because people engage with drama.

Dh and I have been together for 30 years, 2 out of 3 of our siblings are married and have been for a long time. 1 of them is divorced. Both sets of our parents were married until one of them died, so over 40 years together.

I think it is good to point out that even if that tv couple don't stay together, they were in love and happy at that time. Remind him that that is how you felt when you were married to his Dad and that the best thing to ever happen to you is him and you wouldn't change it for the world.

Thanks everyone. It seems I have some more healing to do. A lot of the comments about love being so important and true at that time and when my son was born are really uplifting as sometimes I can view a lot of marriage as awful but of course it wasn’t as I have my beautiful baby. Will be sharing those sentiments moving forward.

I actually think it’s a good thing that people - women really - are now able to move on when a relationship has run its course (so not your situation, but generally). I’m almost teaching my daughters the opposite to you - make sure you’re financially independent so that you have freedom to leave relationships. I’m very happy for the 60yr plus relationships where both parties are happy, but the reality is that is so so rare. I know a few older couples who’ve been together forever, and none of the women are happy, they just can’t do anything about it. I don’t know any 70/80 year olds who are happy in their relationships - I’d like to think they do exist, I just don’t know any

I’d definitely make sure he knew the reason why when he was a bit older. No way would I have him think it was my choice. His dad was a nasty cheater. There’s one thing falling out of love and separating, but cheating is beyond reasonable. You and your son deserved much better.

That’s a really good point. I think my parents and GPs were happier in their second marriages. PIL are very snotty about divorce but bloody hate one another! I don’t know why they didn’t separate years ago!!!

He's old enough now to know the truth. You don't need to point the finger but you can tell him the facts because it sounds like he's confused. Plus it's not on you to have to carry this anyway and secrets are toxic.

My parents split when I was 2! I'm now 40.

I have always been very cynical about marriages. I remember reading that affairs in the 1700s were very common and then I couldn't work out how marriage became the social norm in modern times.

It is sad. But also just a fact of life too! 💐Whatever will be, will be.

I'm okay with my weird little outlook though.

Be careful! I once made the mistake of saying on a thread that in marriages where couples have been married for over thirty years, that it usually involved one of them compromising a lot, and I had my arse handed to me on a plate by lots of posters outraged that I could suggest such a thing!

Ironically. I am now one of those long term married people and some days I I think what I said was true, and some days I definitely don’t! 😁

Anyway op, I’m sorry that you are upset for your son. I think you are wise to keep your counsel for a while. He’s at the age when sons idolise their fathers.

Your son has had a great start in life with you as his mum op. You set a healthy boundary when you left his father and it was without question the right thing to do. And there is value in that, And your son will come to realise that in time. And having a sensitive and caring mum will set him up wonderfully well to have a great relationship with a woman (or man) when he is older. You can’t be expected to do any more than that really!

i suppose the only thing that springs to mind practically speaking is having him stay with friends and family whose parents are still together in long term happy relationships when he is older? It only takes one good example to plant the seed that it’s possible I suppose? Otherwise I really wouldn’t worry op. If anyone is to blame it’s his dad and you did everything you could and more in impossible circumstances.

Your son said, “I wonder if they will stay together?” He was expressing curiosity. He didn’t say, “oh they definitely won’t make it.” There’s a difference! Maybe you could ask him about it later in a calm moment and try and understand a bit more what was on his mind?

I think you are sensitive to his comment because of your situation which is understandable. Those of us who have taken our children through a marriage breakdown, even when it was the right thing to do or not our choice, have a deep-rooted feeling of guilt about it & wonder if we have affected their views of relationships.

But he could easily have made the same comment if you and his dad were still together and all watching the film together. You would have read far less into it then.

It sounds like you doing a great job of parenting him by creating an amicable relationship with someone who hurt you deeply, it's not an easy thing to do, but you are putting your child's interests first.

I disagree with those people who are saying you should tell him about the affair later on. It could affect his relationship with his father and he may feel resentment that he was "lied" to.
I think the small benefit of understanding more about the reality of marriage and separation is far outweighed by the risk of it affecting his view of, and relationship with, his father.

He needs to understand that all relationships end one way or another, so it’s never a good idea to be totally emotionally dependent on just one person.

One of the painful elements of ending a relationship that was intended to last forever, is letting do of one's idealism around relationship mythology.

I think people sometimes try to alleviate that pain by projecting the idealism on to their children, and expecting them to maintain it where they themselves couldn't or didn't.

But the children have to grow up, and that means learning to live in the world as it is.

Take it easy OP. Betrayal trauma is so painful and you don't owe anyone to have to be friendly with your ex.