How to cope when partner seems low and weekend plans feel uncertain

[PartyQuestion30th]

I should be brilliant at this, DH had a major depressive episode for about a year a while ago, did well to eventually get though it, did all the things you are supposed to do. But it was a hard cruel year for us both. And nearly broke me too,

but we didn’t really address the fact that it’s not a one off, the men in his family seem prone to it. He can be very up and down and oh my god is he down today. I can feel my stomach clenching at the thought of the BH weekend going tits up.

We didn’t have much planned which I now regret.

he doesn’t recognise it as depression, it manifests itself as stomach pains ….

my instinct is to get in touch with some friends and sort myself out to be out for a bit of the weekend at least.

There is no reason for you to suffer too, and if he's a nice person he'll recognise that even if he is depressed. Go out and enjoy yourself. Encourage him to take some exercise and eat proper food maybe, but put yourself equal. You can't pour from an empty cup.

My DH’s anxiety showed up as physical too, that’s why it took so long to diagnose him. Don’t let his MH upset your life, he needs to agree to get help as soon as you spot the signs.

Get yourself out and doing, say to him I’m sorry you feel rough love but I need to see people, I would love you to join me, but I can’t spend the weekend at home.
He needs to acknowledge that anxiety/depression is causing this, or get it investigated! If he refuses to recognise it, then you can declare I’m not sitting around all weekend while you feel sorry for yourself and go out. You’ve done your time, been supportive, if he’s not helping himself you need to look after yourself, it won’t do anyone any favours if you’re sat feeling anxious all weekend because he’s unhappy especially if there is nothing you can do to affect things.

There’s a massive annual event in our area, that impacts everyone for 2/3 weeks, road closures, thousands of people visiting who don’t know their way round etc etc it’s disruptive but can be fun.

That was also one of the things that tipped him over the edge a few years ago. He was involved in organising it at a senior level. Safety critical stuff. I quite enjoy it, or can largely ignore it. but I’m thinking we need to start going away while it’s on as it triggers every year.

I have been dealing with this for many years. I had to realise that it wasn’t about me, or because of me, and what I did made no difference. After that the only decision was whether I was going to suffer as well. I decided not to.

Make plans, go and do something fun.

I understand completely.
The only difference is my husband won’t actually tell me what the problem is or that he is sick, so I spent so long thinking it was me that was the problem. I was trying to make him happy and failing. That has been really damaging.

However, lately I have started saying : I’ll tell you my thoughts and you tell me your thoughts.

my thoughts are we get in the car in
the morning and go to the beach, we will be back by 8.30pm and can watch a film then

This is a trick question as he does not have any thoughts except ‘no’

I leave it with him and then he can come if he wants but I go anyway.

That works for me but it took me many years to get to this stage. I also had counselling and read ‘women who love too much’ which is a brilliant book and really helped me.

Best of luck x x

This is a great thread.

I too have a chronically ill husband. Definitely a serious physical chronic condition, but more recently also mental / low mood / depression etc. manifesting itself as grumpiness and stomach issues.

Currently on holiday. Day 1&2 I had planned out and were busy. Day 3 is today and he’s largely asleep. I should have taken the kids out but actually they’re probably fine just having down time as well. Tomorrow I have a plan but he could well spoil with illness. Not deliberately but the impact is the same.

I think you’re right about making your own plans. I’m going to finish my drink and go for a walk. Alone or with whoever wants to come.

I like this idea. I’ll try it for tomorrow’s plan and see how it goes!

Living with a partner with chronic mental health problem/low mood/anxiety is very hard indeed. I did this with my late OH.

To be honest I became pretty ruthless about preserving some life for myself. I would also organise days out, holidays etc. with only minimal discussion with him and prepared for a list of things that I ought to be worrying about! - which did not seem worrying at all to me! If I had not done this the family would have missed out.

He usually came in the end, and whilst we had to deal with all the anxiety around travelling I know he enjoyed himself in the end. I was recently looking back on some family photos and it is good to see him there smiling and having fun. So I guess I did the right thing.

But it takes its toll on a partner - it really does - so my heart is with you. The denial was the the thing I found hardest. He would accuse me of being too casual and reckless because I would set off for town not knowing exactly where I was going to park!

It takes some courage to hang on to the idea that you are not in the wrong when faced with relentless anxiety and low mood. Maintaining normality for the family is very hard work I know!

I hope the weekend went ok.

All the very best x x

I had a partner like this . We were once going to London on New Year’s Day for a few nights . Trains , accommodation and activities booked . The night before he announced he wasn’t coming. I asked him again in the morning and it was still a no so I went alone with our son but still felt a bit guilty. One Christmas Day we were going to close friends for Christmas lunch and at the last minute he said he wasn’t coming . I didn’t have stuff to rustle up a Christmas dinner and didn’t want to let friends down so I went with DS and left him to wallow in Christmas TV. His sister later slated me for leaving him to have beans on toast for Christmas dinner! It’s relentless OP. I have so many examples. Please look after yourself and any children and don’t feel guilty .

That’s a good idea to plan a weekend away during the weekend. Two positives, one you’ll be away from the trigger, and secondly you’ll have something nice to do.

( At a guess, Edinburgh fringe festival).

Living with someone like this is the incredibly hard. My late DH had major depressive episodes that just cast a big black cloud on the household. We effectively became a three person family (me, DS and DD) plus him. He would come along to most things but would barely talk. He had form for sabotaging family events and holidays, particularly big birthdays for some reason- he’d find a reason not to go to a party, to leave early, to complain of unwellness, tiredness either to not go or leave early. It was very wearing.
The issue is that I didn’t complain or raise it as I didn’t want to make him feel worse, but in the end, multiple episodes like this wore me down and I felt very internally angry with him. An awful place to be.
I just became very independent and led a life to provide enjoyment for me and the kids - it was the only way I could cope and retain my sanity and some sort of normality.
It’s very hard OP, but it’s a problem you can’t solve. Has he seen his GP about low mood? Anti depressants did help my DH which was a bit of relief from it