How do I cope after a turbulent 20-year relationship ends?

[Heartbreakhotel60]

Turbulent relationship of 20 years.
1 Audhd 10yo DS

I feel utterly shattered. I don’t want anyone else, never have. He’s all I’ve known my whole adult life. I’m autistic and cannot cope with change or meeting new people. We split briefly before and it left me feeling suicidal. I just don’t know how to go on right now. Dsis has kindly taken DS so I can cry away from him as he witnessed the turmoil last time and it was awful for him too. How do I cope?

Oh op this sounds really tough.
Firstly, if you are feeling so low, especially if it was that severe last time then get yourself straight to the gp for help. Even something to make sure you get a good sleep will make all the difference.
Take care of yourself like you would a good friend. Anything non essential doesn't get done for now. Try and eat and try and get outside.
Talk to people in real life about what's happening. It helps so much.
Focus on ds and try and enjoy your time with him.
Just get through each moment, then each hour and each day.
It will get better but try not to look too far ahead for now, just take it a step at a time

Putting some music on and dance untill you are exhausted. Make sure it's something like edm or dance though so the lyrics don't make you sad.

The endorphins help.

Give yourself permission to grieve the relationship you had, and the future you thought you had with him.

Plan some nice things to do, so you have something to look forward to, even if it’s girly coffee with your sister.

Can you start a new club, would that fill a void and boost confidence.
cooking and music on too, best therapy.
go for some gentle walks if you can. Get back to nature.
talk to people, friends family.
you’ve got this. Be happy - look at some new goals for yourself. Keep strong and focussed the best that you can. It does and will get easier. Take your time

Just think long term you are going to be in a much better place. It is a positive for both of you. Think of this as a new happy life; make some healthy dinners and do some nice things with your son.

Do things that help your body process the trauma. Dancing, yoga, movement especially around other people gives your mind a bit of a break.

Set some limits each day on when you can process the grief. Don’t allow your mind free rein to dwell on it and then fill your days with things that require focus to help you to maintain that.

Expect and normalise to yourself that you will have big, deep emotions on this and though they may feel unmanageable remind yourself that they are not. You will manage them and you will process them. Talk to yourself kindly while you are dealing with these big emotions.

Thanks for all the support and tips.
I'm trying to just take every minute by minute.
there’s been so much turmoil that maybe it’s for the best BUT it’s just so not what I want.
I know from last time he will meet someone else and that broke me. I just can’t go through that all again. I honestly cannot cope with the idea of him with someone else let alone the reality. I just don’t want it to happen I want this all to stop

If the one constant in the relationship has been insecurity (or abuse, as you say 'turbulent'), then you've been living with change for all those years - without his moods or whatever it is that he did to you in that period, you're actually entering a calmer, more stable period with less change.

I agree with @Allthegoodonesareg0ne - I hope you will go to your GP urgently for help. As it’s the weekend, do call 111 option 2 for mental health support. You can also text SHOUT to 85258 free.

You won’t always feel like this, there are much better days ahead.

I agree. Also if its been so up and down it really mess with your nervous system and make you feel much more dependent on him. That kind of intermittent reinforcement where you have a bad bit and then receive lots of love and care is very hard to detach from.
I had to spend a good few weeks reminding myself that it was my nervous system adjusting that made me need him so desperately. I didn't physically need him to survive but my body wasn't registering that for a while

I think you’re right about the dependence. We are codependent (said my therapist). Ive a deep rooted fear from childhood of being alone and whilst he hasn’t fulfilled that it’s been as good as it’s going to get.
And although I’ve never taken drugs I feel like it is an addiction. I feel massively in withdrawal when he’s not around let alone right now. I just feel so utterly broken

There are things you can do to help to help your nervous system when you are feeling panicky. Loads of grounding techniques online.
You can also wrap yourself tight in a soft blanket to replace a hug when going to sleep. Sit and have a warm drink. Get into the fresh air. Move your body. It all helps get through this stage.

If you were on a turbulent plane you would want it to stop and be smooth again.

ir you were on a ship in rough seas, you would want it to hit calm water.

a relationship that is turbulent is not good for you but because you know nothing else, you can’t envisage a life without it.

Try writing a list of all the things that you didn’t like about him, things that were wrong about the relationship, how you were unfulfilled - basically every negative thing you can think of. Think of hat your ideal partner / relationship would look like, and how he was not these things.

it can be so hard when you have a codependent relationship, but you are worth so much more and this is where you can use your autistic brain in your favour - turn that black or white thinking against him!

i love that idea @Amiable of using my autism to my benefit, I’ve never thought of it like that. I struggle because I think part of it is HE is a hyperfixation of mine. There is such an unhealthy connection and obsession there with him and I know that. I’ve tried talking it through with my therapist before but they just underestimate the seriousness of it. It’s not intentional or with ill intent. It’s not even conscious it really is a hyperfixation so isn’t as simple as just forgetting about him or moving on even if it’s the right thing for us all. I just hate this