Disengaged Parents in law

[DibblysquibblygenX]

Disengaged Grandparents

I know this has been a common thread but wanted to hear thoughts - sorry, haven't got my head round the acronyms yet.
I am married to a guy who was married before, and wife left him when daughter was a baby, i met him a year later. I now have 3 daughters - 2 biological and 1 stepdaughter, 15. Although we are older parents - all our parents are in mid 80's and still living active lives - going travelling, taking part in festivals etc.
My parents are pretty much out of the picture, always have and always will do their own thing and have never provided any childcare except one off's as and when it suits them. When I met my husband I really wanted in-laws to be close to but they are totally uninvolved too. They never call, even forgot i had cancer and didn't even check up on me - worse than this is they show little interest in the kids - sending a card and bit of money on their birthday and that's it. They have no knowledge of how the girls are doing at school or what they look doing or where they go on holiday! My husband phones them occasionally but conversations are very brief so all in all we feel very isolated.
Question is, should i make more of an effort? They were always very keen on his ex wife - had a close relationship with her and all her family, even after the split - but they make no effort with me. If we do interact, it's because we've made the effort to make the 3 plus hour journey to go and see them and let me reiterate they are in rude health - running round to concerts etc!!
Pleased to receive advice.

You'd be wasting your time. Are you wanting them to take interest in your own children as well as your step child?

Would leave to husband to try if he wants to. They are 3 hours away as well so not close either geographically

Match their interest. It's on their son to maintain any relationship and all contact.

They've been clear that they're not interested, don't give them any headspace.

Yes they have two biological grandchildren - both their son - one to his ex wife, one to me and my daughter (not biological to them, but they've known her since she was 2) - I know its a bit complicated!

I wouldn’t bother. They’ve shown they aren’t interested in. I’d focus on other things.

Sadly you can't force them to be interested in their grandchildren if they're not. I'd let it go and focus on enjoying your own family life.

For any relationship you get iout what you put in, if you want to be closer then try making an effort. They may or may not reciprocate, but you won’t know if you don’t try.

At that age, they very soon won’t be fit and active. If you aren’t close, you can’t be expected to perform caring duties

No you shouldn’t make more effort, you’ll only be disappointed. Focus on friends, invest your energies in people who care about you and your children. It sounds like you’re expecting more of your in-laws than your parents but DH knows what they’re like and it’s not your job to try and force it. He respects what your parents are like, do the same with him and his parents.

It’s interesting that you accept your parents disinterest but seem to want to force a closeness with your in laws that they plainly don’t wish to have. If you were looking for them to step into a sort of surrogate parental role for you then that’s a very strange and unreasonable expectation.

It’s a real shame neither set of grandparents are close to the children but that was always a probably outcome given that you live so far apart.

Op this is one of those times we feel the disconnect between what society would have us believe is some sort of innate drive to have meaningful relationships with family, and the reality that many parents feel little for their adult children and grandchildren.

there is wonderful news though. You get to build your own family. Connect with elders who DO have the desire to engage and celebrate life together. Are there any activities you do where you mix with older people?

I wouldn’t bother. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. If your IL wanted to be involved in your lives, they would be. It sounds like they don’t really care.

I would say I don’t think this is hugely unusual. I am now NC with my mum (my dad died a long time ago), but she hadn’t seen my dc for years before we officially went NC. I tried to pull her into sorting herself out and being a good grandparent, but she just didn’t care (in my case, it was much more than disinterest, but actual safeguarding risks to my children).

MIL sees dc maybe every 2 months. They get cards and presents for birthdays and Christmas, but she’s never like taken them out for a day or done anything fun with them (eldest is a teen so there have been many opportunities).

I can’t generalise but for both my mum and MIL, they are in unhealthy relationships that take up a lot of their time and headspace. They spend a lot of time dancing around pleasing controlling men, not being able to see family because it would cause stress at home, focused on being a carer of sorts to a man baby who won’t do anything without them and that definitely gets in the way of their family relationships (not just with us, they are NC or have strained relationships with literally everyone).

I don’t know how common that is, but it’s certainly a running theme amongst a lot of women I know of that generation when it comes to relationships with their adult children and grandchildren. Also I know a few who had quite traumatic times as mothers, also in part because of their relationships and mental health and just not coping with being parents, And I do think this has a big part to play in why they’ve run in the other direction from being grandmothers. I’m speaking only of mothers here because all the dads in our families died before they became grandfathers, so I can’t really speak to their behaviour. But there has definitely been a real avoidance of anything that might look like mothering towards the next generation. It’s seemed quite intentional and I can’t help but think it’s because it brings a lot of stuff up for them (Dh and I, for example, certainly had quite dysfunctional childhoods).