Lack of empathy dh

[Thanksforchattingagain]

i Feel like I’m going mad so thought I wld ask here.. my husband struggles with empathy- I tried to talk to him about it and he said that he struggles to empathise with me if he thinks I’m over reacting. We often argue and k feel her doesn’t see things from my point of view and unless he agrees with it can’t empathise with me.
im not explaining this well but I have said he does t have to agree with me but if something f affects or is imprrant to me then surely thats good enough..

Was he always like this?

I think so yes but I feel he has got worse with age but then again I am speaking up more

he said that he struggles to empathise with me if he thinks I’m over reacting

The issue seems to be that he judges your feelings or opinions, assessing them for worth or validity. By what standards does he judge them, I wonder?

It would be irrational to go "I don't feel the way she does about it, so her feelings don't count", for example. You are two individual people with your own experiences. You each have individual feelings, circumstances, expertise, knowledge and sensations. Even your shared experiences are experienced differently! This is one of the joys of being a couple - twice the input; broader perspectives.

Have you asked him by what criteria he invalidates your input?

What is it he says you are overreacting to?

Is the scenario: he does something hurtful, you are (Naturally) hurt, you tell him his behaviour is hurtful?

is THAT when he tells you you are overreaching?

Because that would be an abusive relationship.

Abusers like to tell their victims they have no right to be mad when they, the abuser, do something shitty. This allows them to continue to do that shitty thing, and, makes the victim doubt their own sanity, which comes in handy when they want to treat the victim like shit in any other way too.

And, for clarity, you should never need to explain basic human empathy to a grown adult. If you do, chances are you are in an abusive relationship.

Some people might go “ oh what about autism” but look, whilst SOME autistic people may struggle with empathy, they still aren’t going to do OBVIOUSLY hurtful things to people. Because even if they don’t feel what you feel, they know right from wrong and they aren’t cunts. And if it is a nuanced reason for the hurt, then once you explain why you are hurt to them ONCE, they are usually mortified that they have hurt you like that and do not repeat the behaviour.

There is absolutely no excuse for a partner not caring about hurting you, even if they have valid reasons why empathy can be a struggle sometimes.

I see you have posted a few threads about your DH since last year. This is not his only negative trait. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Yes as I’m so baffled and confused by him. He is nice in so many other respects.
its when I try to hold him accountable. I feel I realise now he is not maybe nice though.
i have thought he is autistic but now I wonder if he’s narcissistic which scares me.
he often has a blank face and that doesn’t get what im trying to tell him.
or he says to me a lot but i dont agree with you.
one tiny example I explained how he had made me feel upset as he made me late for a birthday outing i had arranged for us all and time was important but when i said i felt upset and frustrated as we were running late which would impact he said i was over reacting. I just wanted a sorry etc. i have explained this and got the answer i think you are over reacting. That’s just one very small example.

He has said I’m sorry you feel like that but it sounds robotic

that’s not an apology though. thats a confirmation that he thinks youre wrong “im sorry you feel like that because i don’t and think you’re wrong”.

was the thing that made you late because he went off and faffed about with something that was not a priority by any chance?

we’d need more examples but my friends husband does this. it’s like a lack of concentration or organisation and overlooking priorities.

drives her mad but he doesn’t see that if he had not tidied up the inside if the spare room wardrobe when they had a restaurant booking looming, and done the wardrobe later (or never) they wouldn’t have been late as the wardrobe was not a priority and was well well well down the ToDo list so why the hell did he do it half an hour before they had to leave (when it took longer to do) and she had to shout at him to stop faffing and get his shirt changed and then she was a nag, cue argument and bad mood….

any of that familiar?

Yes totally. I can see the adhd parallels of time management etc but it’s the reaction to things that I can’t handle. He forgets things, forgets what I have said also, gets confused often and has no empathy of how that impacts me.
i can explain let’s go to x before y and he will drive us to y. I then am frustrated as I explained it to him and he says what’s my problem and it’s no big deal. But this happens so often.
i never know if he has taken in what I have said, remembered things.
i have told him multiple times I know he struggles with these things which I will try to deal with but he has to understand these things may impact on me and make me frustrated or upset and I should be allowed to feel that way.
he forgets to ask about things like my dad who is ppprly at the moment awaiting results and generally seems to deal with what ever concerns him

The key question is whether you are overreacting? I would struggle to be sympathetic with someone who I being dramatic or exaggerating the issue.

No, that's not the key question. I'm assuming you have actually read OP's posts.

Being upset, frustrated, disappointed is not overreacting. It's having emotions. Feelings can't be wrong.

The actions you take in response to your emotions can be wrong. If OP had smashed the house up, screamed a string of abuse at him or locked him in the garden shed overnight, she may be 'overreacting'.

Telling someone they aren't allowed feelings of frustration and disappointment is abusive.

Also, @Thanksforchattingagain, is he this forgetful of things that matter to him? Does he forget work, sports fixtures, meetings with his friends, etc? If so, then there's a problem that he should probably get medical advice on.

If, as I suspect, he's only forgetting things that matter to you, then he's deliberately showing you he doesn't care about you.

My Ex was like that. Whatever I wanted to do he deliberately screwed it up for me under the guise of forgetting or being late and if I dared to get upset I was over reacting. Friends and family found me high anxiety/hard work and found him laid back and charming. But it was HIS actions that caused my high anxiety.

Once we split my high anxiety and depression disappeared as I had been in a very abusive relationship. Look up emotional abuse, you'll find belittling and being dismissive listed. Of course he will appear lovely at times because if he was 100% horrible you would have left years ago and that's the problem we face, we stay for the good moments rather than leave for the bad but it's the bad moments that can destroy you. Im afraid I'm going to quibble with part of your post - what he does is not adhd time management, it's deliberate and part of the abuse as he is playing mind games with you, it's part of the abusive pattern.

You might benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? and you can google it to find a free pdf download. It's very eye opening.

He is forgetful for others too so not just me- lots of losing phone, leaving doors u locked etc. yes I do not over react and gave the same example which was I have not punched a wall, screamed etc but purely been frustrated or sad. He judges on how he could have handled things or feel. He will say I wouldn’t have handled it that way for example. But I’m like I’m not you…

First narcissist in my life absolutely did the blank stare. It’s almost like they are looking at you for you to get to the point when you’ve already made the point so you get stuck in a loop of trying to explain to them why their hurtful behaviour is hurtful. Thinking “if only I would find the right words to make them understand”. But they DO understand. They just want you to feel like your feelings are silly/invalid/an overreaction.

He had form for deliberately ruining things he knew were important to me. Cancelling coming with me to something at the last minute was his favourite thing to do. I found myself having to pretend I didn’t care about things I cared about just to get him to not fuck them up. This was all back in my teens so I’d had no prior experience of what a healthy relationship was. But I think it all just creeps up on you too.

Having said that, I did live with a girl with adhd once (and I suspect autism) and she would often just shut down and have a completely blank face when talking to her about something she didn’t understand or was not interested in. You could tell the lights were on but no one was home. But no way would she have behaved that way if we were discussing me being hurt or upset by something she had done. Becuase, sure she was scatty but, she was also a nice person. She had form for going out and leaving the front door open etc too, and ultimately things like that were why I had to give her notice as it just was not safe.

Autistic people and people with adhd can also be narcissists. There’s nothing to say a person can’t be both. Or that autism is an excuse for being a massive bellend.