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Original poster

DH says all his problems with DD are because I have everything set up my way....

22 replies

shrinkingsagpuss · 22/06/2008 12:36

I have to work overnight, one night every other week. Dh has never bonded with DD, knows nothign about where her bits and pieces are kept etc... last night she was up from 11-2am then again at 5.30. She puked all over the bed. He couldn't find sheets, bed mats, pjs etc - which is of course my fault. He rang me on my (dodgy) mobile at 2.30am, very angry. I didn't get the message til 4.00am. He could have rung me at work on the work phone. He didn't give cal pol - claims he doesn't knwo where it is, how much to give, and whether to give it.
Is it my fault? What can I reasonably do, without giving in, and is he completely rubbish?
If I give up work I will go insane. I love my kids, but can't cope with being a SAHM, maternity leave was bad enough, and we need the money, as DH thinks it grows on trees.
I just want to eave hm right now.

OP posts:

Snaf · 22/06/2008 12:41

Yes, he's being completely rubbish. I can't believe he doesn't know where to find clean sheets in his own house.

Admittedly it is knackering and irritating to be up 11-2 with a vomiting child but - been there, done that, anyone? It's life with kids, he needs to understand that and deal with it. (Especially if it's only one night every fortnight!)

Why didn't he 'bond' with her?

BandofMothers · 22/06/2008 12:44

Write him a list, laminate it and stick it on the fridge or somewhere. That is really crap. DH will stil ask me where dd2's clothes are, and it is annoying. Calpol has directions on the bottle, he sounds very crap and needs a kick up the arse. Take a minute or two and take him round the house and show him where everything is, esp as this is a regular thing, and then tell him if he can't remember to refer to the list.

TeaDr1nker · 22/06/2008 12:45

I had a similar incident when DP got up in the night and couldn't find anything, since then i always make sure there is a chance of babygrow/nappy/wipes etc etc on the dresser in DD room, so he can see it and it is easily accesable. Also keep calpol on the side in full view!!!

I guess all you can do is show him where everything is stored.

On the subject of the two of them bonding do they do stuff together?

catsmother · 22/06/2008 12:45

He's being rather pathetic ..... sounds as if there's maybe more to this than him not knowing where the sheets are (I mean, how many places could they conceivably be ? Have you hidden them in the freezer or somewhere similar where he'd never think to look ?) and perhaps he resents you being at work and him therefore having to look after HIS child.

Women aren't born with an inbuilt knowledge of how to care for babies and small children. We learn through common sense, practice, reading books, and seeking advice (eg, from relatives, friends, the internet and so on). Most women would admit to "muddling through" when our kids are young, and whilst we don't always get it right, we get there in the end.

There is no reason AT ALL why a man shouldn't be able to do the same.

FFS with the calpol ........ again, is it hidden away in a very strange place ? Do you live in a mansion with 67 rooms ? When he found it, all he has to do - dur - is read the effing instructions ?

izyboy · 22/06/2008 12:46

Can he read? If so there are instructions on the back of a Calpol packet. It is ENTIRELY his responsibility to make sure he knows what he is doing before you go.

I am assuming tho' that you are not one of these very over protective, 'I can do it all on my own' mums and have tried to include him?

clam · 22/06/2008 12:52

Sounds like he's trying the old "I'll be as crap as possible with this so she won't ask me to do it again," routine. The thing is, you weren't off on a jolly, you were working. And this is his daughter. How dare he get cross and blame you if she's ill. Either way, sounds like he needs more practice....

BandofMothers · 22/06/2008 12:54

I hope he was at least nice and cuddly with her when she was ill and wasn't cross with her. She is very young. DH bonded with both dd's a lot more when they were up and about and starting to be more interesting, but at 10 mths I would think your dd is now in that cheeky, cute age when I would expect him to be doing more with her.

Elf · 22/06/2008 13:30

While I do agree that your dh sounds a bit useless, if he doesn't get the opportunity to look after dd regularly on his own, he will continue to be like this. I think men often need to be on their own because otherwise they feel you are looking over their shoulder and they can't do it - well none of us could could we, with a more experienced person watching us? However, this is only if he wants to do it and is interested in becoming better at looking after her.

My dh loves having the dcs on his own and I have learnt to butt out. But this has evolved over the last six years.

I'd say give him a chance.

micci25 · 22/06/2008 13:39

are you living with my dp?

i always leave out anything that he might need and leave instructions too. i remember the first night i left dd2 with him he had to ring me for instructions on how to use the sterilser. dd2 was 3 months old you would think that in three months he would have known how to do it!!

he still doesnt know where thier clothes are. but dd1 does and she usually dresses herself and will pick out something half decent for dd2!

next time leave out spare bed clothes/clothes for next day/nappies/babywipes/feeds/pj's and spare pj's just incase/fave bedtime story and teddy/calpol with instructions onuse/thermometer with intructions for use/ypur work number/emergency numbers/list of games she likes to play. and try and call when you can to see how things are going.

dittany · 22/06/2008 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hercules1 · 22/06/2008 14:26

I just couldnt be with a man whom I had to leave a list or give instructions on how to look after their own child. How can a father not know where his childrens clothes are?

Dh is a sahp and I work long hours. I have no need for lists or things left out when he's not here.

I really dont get why you feel the need to mother them.

Spero · 22/06/2008 14:34

Agree with all those who say he is being crap.

his daughter, her clothes, her sheets, her calpol are your JOINT responsibility. Even if you are one of those women who actively discourage any help around the house (my mum was a bit like this) he should still bloody well know or hey! maybe he could look!

I got this from my ex. Where are the towels? (there was ONE cupboard in the flat where they conceivably might be). He would take in the washing from the line when it was dry and then scatter it on mine and my daughter's beds as if the effort of opening a few drawers to find out where it might be stored was utterly beyond him.

I agree there is likely to be something else going on here. No one can be that clueless unless they are trying to make a point that they are pissed off about something else and too immature/angry to talk to you.

Sorry for sounding jaundiced, but I did say he was my ex...

I hope this is just a blip; you should try and talk to him about it, but fundamentally this is rubbish and inexcusable behaviour. He is not a baby, he is certainly not your baby.

milknosugar · 22/06/2008 14:35

its obviously set up your way because you do all the housework. make him put the washing away in future, that should help

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 22/06/2008 14:51

It did all come to somethign of a head today - and I said that if he han't worked out where her clothes or sheets were it wasn't my fault. He said that as he owrks late, he can't know - but he always new where DS's things were. He then said tat DS wasn't as difficult as DD - which is where the bonding thing comes from - she is far mroe "needy" than DS ever was - but I pointed out that you can't choose which type of children you get, and that she is a damn sight "easier" than a lot of kids we know.
He resents me working - yes
The calpol was on the side in the kitchen next to the baby milk which he had used to make her bottle - so being typical uselfess man he couldn't see it.
Her PJ's were in the drawer where they always are, and I made sure there were enough pairs for most eventualities.
He was soooo good with DS, I find it hard that he is so utterly rubbish with DD. I don't know if he cuddled her, I think he thought she was taking the piss. When I pointed out that she probably had wind and that was why she puked a whole feed opn him...

He hasn't continued to argue - which usually menas he knows I'm right, and is just trying to find a way of amitting it.

OP posts:

ProfessorGrammaticus · 22/06/2008 15:02

There are other ishoos here aren't there. Yes he is obviously being a pillock and yes he should have known all those things (obviously), but you need to talk things over to get past this I think. Else resentment will fester (well it would if it were me!)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/06/2008 15:03

He thought she was taking the piss? How old is she?

Major problems here I'm afraid, and they go deeper than housework xx

hercules1 · 22/06/2008 15:41

I think the 'being typically useless man' point you made is part of the problem. Men really arent typically useless, really they're not. Once you start with that you are excusing his behaviour as he is a man.

rookiemater · 22/06/2008 18:44

Err if she is still on bottle feeds and baby milk and puking up feeds because of winds, then it doesn't seem to me that she is of an age to be difficult or easy. She is just a baby for goodness sake.

Poor you, it sounds like a really difficult time for you. Doin't give up your job.

mumonthenet · 23/06/2008 22:06

what men think:

if you don't want to be asked to do something again....make a real balls up of it the first time(or as many times as possible until dw gives in and does it herself)

beeny · 24/06/2008 07:36

Agree he is being awful.poor you

JessJess3908 · 25/06/2008 00:53

On first reading - i think that by working away one night every 2 weeks you are giving him perfect chance to bond/take responsibility for your DD. As others have said, how will he ever be able to do it if you don't give him the chance?

On second reading - is this more about his relationship with DD vs DS? Is he blaming you/getting angry because for some reason he feels unable to cope with DD? He needs to explore that really... maybe the incident will help in the long run by bringing it out in the open?

Tortington · 25/06/2008 01:02

what a pile of toss

i would answer phone and say " you fucking pile of toss grown up you tossing tossbag"

never heard such toss in all my life

do you all live in HUUUUUUUUUge houses - or have very complicated drawer systems

i think alf of this is probably your own faults actually fr doing it all inthe first place.

dont know wehre the kids clothes are?

do you live in the fucking crystal maze?

is inspectr fucking poirot - really needed here?

" hmm, monseur... i have deduced that the clothes can either be in one of three bedroms. in either 3 wardrobes/drawers... or.."
dern dern DERRRRRRRRRRRR
"...THE WASHINGBASKET."

AND

if a kid pukes on the sheet - wel my kid - wouldnt'g et another clean sheet to puke on.

they would remain sheet less.

it's all toss and annoying.

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