I don’t know where to go from here

[wantingittobe]

I have posted about this before but have NCd for privacy, so would appreciate it if this could be respected.

I am married with two young children, five and almost three. It’s fair to say it’s never been an equal marriage in terms of domestic duties or childcare and I’ve found myself doing a lot of both.

Then last summer DH started suffering from various aches and pains. This was exacerbated at the start of this year when he fell and since then he’s been in very high levels of pain and discomfort, affecting sleep and ability to lead a normal life I suppose. As a result, I’ve had to take on pretty much everything and he lies down a lot. He’s grouchy and miserable to be around and it’s got him down and it’s got me down.

I am bad tempered because I am managing so much on my own. For the last few nights I haven’t even bothered with dinner. We’ve just gone straight to bed / sleep when the children have (so around 8!) we don’t really talk. There seems little point.

I do feel resentful that I had to go through two sections and just had to get on with it while he can lie down when he feels he has to. On the other hand I know he is in pain.

There seems to be no end in sight and no answers. But I am worried about our future. I’m worried that I’m becoming an awful person to be around, snappy and snarly and so angry. I am raging a lot of the time, and then something seemingly minor will unleash it.

I don’t want to be that person but I am so very tired. If I try to do something for me I feel so bad because he can’t manage the children. But having him home groaning and wincing constantly and being irritable with everyone is awful.

I don’t know that there are any solutions here. I’m just needing to be heard as I can’t talk anywhere else.

I think the big Q is what is he doing to manage his problems? Is he speaking to his GP about pain management and treatment options? Does he have a diagnosis?

Obviously if someone has a chronic condition that is hard to manage it deserves understanding. But if it's just a get out of dealing with normal life at your expense, then that's a problem.

@ScupperedbytheSea there isn’t a lot he can do, honestly. He’s lost some weight which I’m impressed with, he’s had an MRI which didn’t show anything, he’s explored pain injections. Hard to know. I suspect it’s a trapped nerve or something which is probably extremely painful but the bark is kind of worse than the bite if you like.

Is he awaiting any more investigations? Has he been prescribed any pain medication? I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect him to keep pushing with the GP to find out what's causing his pain. It's unfair on you and you can only carry on like this for so long before you break. Do you have any support from your family or his?

I’m coming at it from my own point of view as the partner who feels like the lead weight. Also, we don’t have children to consider.
It’s not easy being either of you.
I know lots of posters will ask what he’s doing to improve his health, GP visits tests etc but sometimes you get few or no answers.
How do I manage? The thing which helped me most was going on a pain management course. Didn’t make the pain go away but I did meet some kindred spirits and on bad days they are the ones I still speak to. We don’t constantly moan to each other, we have a lot of gallows humour, and sometimes we talk about the every day.
It is very easy when you are in pain to slip into moaning and self-pity. It’s not only horrible for those around you, it makes the pain worse.
I now work with what I have. I do most of the housework, our admin, laundry but I don’t iron. Sometimes it’s agony but I’m now heading to 60 and I believe in if you don’t use it you’ll lose it.
Nobody is coming to rescue me. I’m far from perfect but I stay engaged with the outside my world, my friends, the news and culture.
So today I’ve had a few chats about the new Kylie doc.
My other half has his own work, grown up kids, and his own hobbies. I have had to accept I can no longer do a lot of the things we used to eg gigs, foreign holidays. But I work with what I can do, and do that.
Sometimes it’s hard not to resent my healthy other half when I see him flying off to a solo beach holiday and I’ll be at home.
But that’s life.
He should not, under any circumstances, be taking his pain out on you. When I was at the pain group all of the women were determined to make progress. I hate to say it but all the men was moan, and a lot of them had broken relationships because they didn’t want their wives/partners to go out and have any kind of life.
Even on bad days, you can have a cinema day in bed with the kids. He can do some admin or paperwork. He can FaceTime a friend.
Of course it’s not ideal and having chronic pain can be debilitating and depressing.
But some point you deal with the hand given to you, and work with it, or you take yourself and everyone down with you.
I don’t have a magic wand, but at some point it might actually be easier on you to live in a separate home. It’s an awful choice to make, but you are not just a service human and you deserve your own life.

He has pain medication but truthfully it only does so much. He’s in a lot of pain a lot of the time, is the truth and when I put it like that I feel rotten for complaining. Just the same, I can’t pretend that it’s not very hard on me.

At the moment I’m trying to be out as much as possible with the children because the house is so oppressive and miserable.

This is not a marriage/relationship

You are utterly miserable and I can understand why

If I was you I’d be planning my exit route

If I was him I’d be paying to see any type of specialist I could in order to restore my health

I’d love to know if he’s just lying down in pain when he is home alone

It is genuine pain, although I do think as @ThisJadeBear has said, the moaning and groaning makes it worse.

Maybe give yourself a silent timeline on how long you will continue on with the marriage if there is no improvement. It sounds like he didn't actually get the injections, so how about you say, "I hate to see you in pain. How about if I make an appt. for you to get an injection?" (Assuming he might not take the initiative to do it himself). Nothing showed on my MRI for tailbone pain, but I could still get an injection because causes can be unknown. You would have to drive him home after the injection.

I don't know what your past discussions have been like about chores. When he felt okay, what would he have said if you said, "I'm exhausted. Can you please help me fold the laundry?"

Did you not know his character until you had kids? What once made him your ideal partner and at what point did this change?

I’m going to be a bit blunt now.
A lot of people suffer from chronic pain which is absolutely horrific.
And men never have to go through the extra pain women have to go through - like endometriosis, for example.
Having an oppressive atmosphere at home is going to affect the health of you and your DC.
That is not good.
When you have a health condition and talk to others you realise how many people out there are living with pain - it could be cancer, arthritis, MND the list is endless.
You don’t have to stick on a happy face if you are in agony, but you don’t have to dominate the mood in the home so much that other people are suffering, too.
You also have to learn to advocate for yourself, push for answers, see if there is any support locally.
Taking it out on others in your home will actually increase your pain levels.
I wish I had more informed answers but you shouldn’t be living like this and I say that as someone who often feels like the burden.

I don't think he's getting the help he needs and just thinking he has to put up with it.. he needs to speak with his GP.. after 3 times now for same condition by law he has to be referred to a specialist.. you cannot speculate what you think it is.. he needs tests/ diagnosed and the right treatment.. believe me l suffer pain (two broken hips a broken pelvis/ cervical spondylosis with radiculopathy and stenosis.. Fibromyalgia/ osteoarthritis with bone on bone.. im having serious major spinal surgery in August..im on weekly morphine patches.. no good him laying there moaning..

@SuitcaseAndSecrets the thing is some things just don’t have answers and this is one. I know myself you can be in a great deal of pain without there really being anything discernibly ‘wrong’ and truth is it absolutely sucks but there is only pain relief and that’s it.

I am worried about the future. It doesn’t seem to be improving. Selfishly, I am very tired and drained and unselfishly I’m worried about him and the effect it’s having on him.

It isn’t selfish to be feel very tried and drained at all. Why do you feel like that? It’s a pretty normal response to what sounds like a very miserable relationship and living environment.

I spent years as a carer for my very disabled late DH. No, it’s not easy, but if you love someone you get on with it. Meanwhile, he neeeds to get help from medics to improve his own life.

I guess it is a bit different though @Boomer55 although that must be really hard, I didn’t meet and marry DH in a caring capacity. And actually he doesn’t need care as such. He needs to lie down, a lot, and he can’t do the things that would help so I have to. So not really the same.

I think the pps suggestion of a pain clinic is a good one. Although the pain is real , how much it hurts is definitely about mindset as well as the physical issue behind it. Even for his own benefit a pain clinic would almost certainly helpful, but given the impact on you and the kids too it feels like a must, if he cares about his family.

If he isn't seeking a referral for this he is effectively telling you "this is what you will be getting from me for the forseeable and I am not going to make the effort to change".

I am not sure I would feel my dh was doing his part if I was in your situation and my oh did not try to access support to cope better - and to do so without the moaning and groaning that is hurting his family, without helping him.

I would also be very surprised if lying down was really the best management strategy. He must be getting weaker which is likely to be punishing his muscles and joints and worsening the pain..Has he really exhausted all the possible options with physio/tai chi / hydrotherapy etc that he could access.?

And if he is too depressed to see a way out and seek these kinds of support, has he gone to the GP about that?