Struggling to cope with divorce while my ex moves on

[HangryWriter]

In the process of getting a divorce. Married for 53 years. Husband had to move out after assaulting me over two years ago and the court issued a restraining order on him. We've just done financial disclosure and I've found out he's living with someone. They're apparently engaged and she is paying part of the rent for the house he's living in. He had affairs in the past when we were together so that's no surprise.
Meanwhile I'm still living in the marital home. I've had valuations for the house but think it will be difficult to sell as we were in the process of having building work done on it. We had the builder from hell who has left it in a real mess. I feel like I've been dumped with all the problems while he's off living a new life completely carefree. I'm finding it really hard to deal with the depression and can't seem to find the energy to get motivated to move on. Advice anyone ??

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I was married for less time but in a relationship for many years with someone who did similar recently, a couple of months of separation. I believe they're still together.

I was also dumped with a lot of house problems so I understand.

Your ex sounds like a narcissist, just like mine. Which means that they don't give a crap about anyone apart from themselves and that includes any new partners. They enjoy the pain they cause. They're human trash and before long his new partner will suffer, believe me it's not a position anyone wants to be in either.

Have you spoken to the GP? I went but felt it wasn't really handled adequately, I guess it depends on who your doctor is.

The motivation feeling has just come for me when it's come to decorating my own place just how I want it to. I understand this might be far off for you, but to have that goal in mind has helped a lot. Please just don't be ashamed of how you feel. If you're in a position to share with friends/family in real life then do, if they're real friends they will understand. But most of all be easy on yourself, it's a long time to have been married and the grieving process still has to happen even when you've been with a monster.

I wish you all the luck in the world 💐

Have you been able to speak to any DA charities? This may help to process what's happened too.

Just one final point op then I will go!

Men like him are carefree because they don't care about anything. Can you imagine not actually caring about anything apart from your own needs? It would be boring and frankly a bit shit. Let him have his empty life and watch yours slowly rebuild in time.

Thank you for your reply. I guess it shouldn't have been any surprise to me that he'd found someone else but it still hurts none the less. I've been trying not to torture myself with thoughts of him being happy while I feel so miserable. I checked her out on social media once I found out her name and it really did feel like a dagger in my heart seeing pictures of them together. I won't be looking again.

I pity the new woman. She's either being lied to by him or she is so insecure about herself that she's desperate to be with anyone. Why waste energy even giving them a second thought? Focus that energy on meeting new people, fixing up the house at a reasonable pace and take peace in the fact that as every day passes, it's another day from being free from that selfish POS you spent so many years with. He may appear happy but I would bet that is far from the reality...or it will soon be. Hold your head high.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, 53 years of marriage is a lifetime and it’s bound to take you a long time to adjust.

Try to take things in small manageable chunks.

Just focus on the next small step so one phone call, email, one appointment, one task for each divorce stage & the house. Has the GP suggested anything to manage the depression? Have you had any counselling? What about a support group?

You need to detach from thinking about him. My ex moved on with another woman who I think ( but still don’t know) overlapped with me. It was laughable taking photos of themselves blown up into a large canvas and framed pictures all over the house. However quite soon problems set in and then the photos and that relationship disappeared. But you are free of someone who was violent. Have you done all the things that symbolise moving on, changing bedroom furniture around, changing type of bed linen, booking a holiday, even getting a pet you’ve always wanted?

Also have you read Belle Burden’s book “Strangers a memoir of a marriage”? I recommend it. The book (and an essay she wrote for The New York Times) explains the sudden end of her twenty-year marriage following her husband’s affair and sudden decision to leave. One of the many useful things was a metaphor that her therapist stepmother used .. basically it involved imagining her and her husband on a stage and moving the spotlight away from him to her..The more you focus on his apparent happiness now or even his past violence, the more you are controlled by it. It may look as though he’s happy and carefree now but he won’t be. You may feel flat because when you’ve been in a difficult marriage, there’s also complex biology about your body sort of getting used to the highs and lows of cortisol or Adrenalin or whatever it is.

You have been through a lot, and surviving to where you are already shows your strength.

I think the best way to overcome feelings of loss and envy are to deliberately change the narrative you are telling yourself. Hes not out there living his best life and moving on .... you know who he is after over 50 years together - he will never change and hes taking the same destructive patterns of cheating and general fuckwittery with him into each stage of his life. Nothing has changed for him, only the bit players in his life. Whereas for you, something big has changed - you now have freedom and independence to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You are not saddled with a problematic house - you have an asset. It may be saleable, it may not be. Maybe its fixable over years slowly. What Im trying to say is, are you really envious of his life?? You better than anyone know what life with him is like. Is it really worth all this negative feeling?? Pull yourslef into a new mindset and dont let your own self destructive thinking tie you to the idea of this loser for the rest of your life. Theres still many years to live a rich, fulfilling, happy life, start embracing it day by day and see where it takes you. Xxxx

Op I’m so sorry that you are feeling low.

This is the really tough bit, it’s a huge change after so many years, and not to sound harsh but the more you can accept and put the past out of your mind, and focus on your future, the better.

Go to gp and get ADs to help you over this hump if necessary.

Go for a walk in the fresh air every day and watch your diet and sleep,.

Try if at all possible to confine your negative thoughts to a “worrying hour” once a day.

Do not give your ex your energy or thoughts. He is abusive and you are well out of it. The new woman will soon see sense. Play the long game op. Focus on selling your house. Reduce the price a little if necessary. Ask friends to come and help you sort it out. Tell them you are struggling. Get out of there and start your new life! Good luck op! You deserve to feel safe and happy in your new place so focus on that 💐

@HangryWriter I understand the social
media temptation. Mine isn't on any SM and I still haven't seen what she looks like. Just do your best to stay away from it. Personally whenever I've been happy in a relationship I've never blasted it all over the internet so that tells you it's all about image for these people

I was the first one to move on (although XH caused the marriage breakup) and it was so painful for him. XH remains quite bitter and has recast himself as the victim. I understand that it is hard for the person who doesn’t move on first, but there is nothing that can be done and I choose not to give it any headspace.

That said, I truly was, and continue to be happier now. DP’s partner cannot believe I am happy with him, because she loudly continues with the narrative that he is a disappointing human being, but I haven’t got the same person that she was married to for decades, nor do I have the same needs or expectations as her, because we are at a much different stage in our lives. People constantly evolve and each relationship will leave a mark on those involved.

please work on yourself and your happiness, rather than focusing on him and his perceived happiness. You can tell yourself that he is living a charmed life. Strangers on the internet can tell you he will be miserable. But, in fact all of this is a waste of your energy. Stop giving your energy freely to your ex. Devote yourself to you, and your happiness. Do lots of small things that make you happy. It’s truly liberating… and when you spend less time thinking about him, slowly, you will begin to heal.
💝

oh, OP, this sounds so hard. It’s absolutely understandable that this latest news about your ex has hurt you.

Still living in the marital home makes it so much harder to get away from all these feelings. Is there much equity in the property? If so, I’d say it’s worth sacrificing a chunk of it and marketing the house as a doer-upper, just to be able to sell quickly and move on.

I think in your 70s, you deserve/need a clean break and selling the house is the way to do it.