I’m in my early 60s and had a best friend since we were girls. She was there through my marriage, divorce, bringing up children, all of it really. We used to speak nearly every day and my family always joked she knew more about my life than anyone.
Over the last few years things slowly changed between us. I can’t even point to one big thing. I just started feeling like I was always getting something wrong. I’d worry before seeing her in case I upset her or let her down. Sometimes I’d come home from meeting her and feel anxious for the rest of the evening thinking about things I’d said.
I know I’m not easy , and I think she got fed up with me in the end. She was also upset with me because I didn’t ask her to help me organise my son’s thirtieth (I asked another friend who runs a restaurant). But I stopped feeling accepted by her. I started feeling judged all the time, like I was hard work and not really wanted around anymore.
There were little things as well. Being left out of plans, feeling like other people mattered more, little comments that probably sound silly written down but stayed in my head for days. I started feeling nervous around someone who used to feel like my safe place.
The strange thing is there wasn’t one huge dramatic row. It was more like years of hurt feelings building up until eventually I felt completely worn down by it. Just wet Christmas, after another upset, something in me snapped. I remember thinking I can’t keep doing this anymore. Not because I stopped loving her. But I realised I didn’t want to feel small and anxious all the time either. I backed right off and She has tried to reach out since and says she wants me back and part of me feels awful because she’s been so u oortabt in my life. But another part of me feels calmer with a bit of distance, and I honestly never thought I’d feel that. Shes was my rock for years (we met in primary!).
I can’t understand how I could wake up one day and just think I can’t do this and walk way. It’s like I didn’t make a decision out loud, I just couldn’t go on. It was like sleepwalking. I don’t think I could even go back if I wanted to.
Has anyone else been through this with a really old friendship?