Friendship changes in your 50’s

[plard]

It wasn’t something I was expecting.
My family have been part of a 3 family friendship for many years. We met through nursery and the kids are all into their early 20’s now.
we did everything together all the time whilst our kids grew up (and were also best of friends). We have so many happy memories. We all genuinely expected to be friends for life.
But things changed a couple of years ago. I’m not sure if it was when my kids went down the university route as none of the others did or something else.
Taking my kids out of the equation meant lots less touch points (no more football sideline catch ups, no youths picking up, dropping off, hanging about).
When we met up with them we started to feel like we were behind the curve with news and lives.
The other 2 couples seemed to get closer and we seemed to drift.
I think we also found that we weren’t tied to kids anymore and started to pick up stuff we enjoy that doesn’t have to accommodate kids.
On reflection and now we are out of the child rearing years I’m not sure we had much in common beyond the kids. And that’s quite a sad realisation.
I tried explaining that me and DH felt a bit behind the curve, a bit left out. Nobody seemed to grasp where we were coming from or acknowledge the dynamic had changed. So we just gradually slipped away. We have mutual friends and I know that their friendship has only grown since we exited. Still hard to swallow.

I think friendships can be tricky whatever age. I have found friendship groups that have changed depending on where I am in my life. School friends gradually faded, university students, work colleagues, baby group friends, school mum friends. So many people i used to be friends with that faded for no real reason other than life moves on and changes. I envy those people who have a solid group or person that's been through their lives with them. I try not to focus on it too much but I know how you're feeling. I just wanted to say, you're not alone.

Many thanks.

Similar here, I've found in our friendship group that some are winding up, whilst others are winding down and it doesn't quite match. For example some are going part time, taking more limited holidays and generally living a quieter life whereas I'm still in a senior role, keen to expand our travel and do things that we couldn't when younger due to having more money to do so. I think people just grow apart and want different things out if life, but older DC and changes in financial circumstances around this age seem to be the catalyst.

Yes I think for us as we’ve found ourselves with an empty nest what we want and what others want kind of comes into focus. Stuff we all did because we had no babysitters or Didn’t want to go far for whatever reason was just accepted.
with a bit of space and a lot more freedom we’ve found we are like you, still in our career roles so cash rich, time poor! But we are trying to travel as much as we can now whilst we can. After years of child friendly it’s fab doing culture, long hikes, etc.,
my DH says we’ve outgrown the friends we drifted from as they are still enjoying the same old stuff. Maybe he’s right?

In life people come and go, the right philosophy is to be thankful for the experience knowing them brought to you and happy memories - but look ahead to what's next, who you will meet round the next turn.

I sometimes find myself reflecting on why x, y or z is no longer in my life, but its a wasted effort, they have drifted, or moved on with intent, part of the past, not the future.

I understand your feeling in this.
Looking back i can see that a various points in life friendships were of proximity and convenience (i didnt understand this at the time) and when the proximity and convenience wasn't there anymore the friendships changed and or drifted and dissolved ,they were friendships of a season of life.
I thought those friends "cared" about me but infact they cared when i had something to give that suited them at that time.
school gate friends ,kids hobby friends, work friends etc all fade when the season changed. Its understandable and i don't think badly of them.
i now only have 1 friend from each of those scenarios left in my life and they were the ones who genuinely cared and who had more in common than proximity.
For me it was compounded by the death of my husband(aged 48 yrs) ,boy did that change friendships and that did sting a bit .
I can count my friends on one hand now, although i do have acquaintances too ,i recognise them as that.
It can hurt when a friendship fades but it's often a blessing and an inevitable part of life.
New friends do pop up though and thats a blessing too..

Thank you. Wise words
I’m so sorry for your loss.

Two things I have learned in my 40s -

1. it’s better to make friends with individuals you really click with rather than groups
2. know the difference between friends & acquaintances

In my experience most “mum friends” are acquaintances

Well put! I think this is the best way to think about friendships like this.

I always look at it differently. Don’t mourn the friendship - celebrate the fact you had such amazing friends at that point in time in life. It’s natural you’ll all grown in different ways depending on your life interests, so drifting is normal. It isn’t something to be sad about but be grateful you had it at all. The saying “it’s better to have love and lost, than never loved at all” is just as true to friendships.

You say yourself that beyond the kids you possibly didnt have anything else in common so what are you mourning? You had these friendships for a reason, they fitted with your lifestyle at the time and now they don't. That is nothing to be sad about, nothing to mourn, it doesnt make your friendship any less. You have great memories from the time spent with them and your children and now its time to make different friends and memories. All relationships evolve and change over time, sometimes growing closer and other times growing further apart. Embrace and look back fondly on the great times you had, dont scupper it by complaining that you feel left out, just let it be and in the future you may come back together again, or you may not and that is OK too.