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Relationships

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Should I raise openness about other relationships in our effectively ended marriage

7 replies

Skytrain · Yesterday 14:20

Good afternoon all
I have been married for fourteen years but a number of years ago I discovered my wife had been having an affair for a number of years and the guy involved and his wife had been invited by to our wedding which was nice. So we share a house and I do child care stuff and are there as a father, we still have two teenagers at home, there is nothing going on between us and hasn't been for quite some time, we did try a bit in the wake on finding out but we are done . Its fairly obvious that she has had relations since and to be honest she hasn't been interested in me for a very long time , I think she has needs but we have never discussed some freedom for each of us, Im not doing anything but if I try bringing the subject up I get shouted down and told not to be stupid , I have been meaning to tell her that if she wanted to see someone its ok . The other night I got in from work late and on top of the wash basket was a packet from "RS Love , your secret wardrobe" , just there on top, I did google what was in there and they were crotchless black tights, got to say sexy but oddly practical. I know she does stuff , I wish we could get it out in the open and I wonder if I was supposed to spot this and it was expected to ask what they were for. She wore them out to a staff event with a long dress and boots etc, she looked great , I know this as I picked her up from the station. Now do I let sleeping dogs lie, or despite her protestations of how silly I am tell her its ok to get out there, she has needs etc , odd thing is she has sexy underwear, I have never been treated to it, never, a while back I was cleaning under the bedroom furniture and found a black lacy bodice/teddy type thing, clearly been worn and stuffed under there , I said nothing just plonked it in the dirty wash basket, havnt seen it since.

OP posts:
moderate · Yesterday 14:29

Skytrain · Yesterday 14:20

Good afternoon all
I have been married for fourteen years but a number of years ago I discovered my wife had been having an affair for a number of years and the guy involved and his wife had been invited by to our wedding which was nice. So we share a house and I do child care stuff and are there as a father, we still have two teenagers at home, there is nothing going on between us and hasn't been for quite some time, we did try a bit in the wake on finding out but we are done . Its fairly obvious that she has had relations since and to be honest she hasn't been interested in me for a very long time , I think she has needs but we have never discussed some freedom for each of us, Im not doing anything but if I try bringing the subject up I get shouted down and told not to be stupid , I have been meaning to tell her that if she wanted to see someone its ok . The other night I got in from work late and on top of the wash basket was a packet from "RS Love , your secret wardrobe" , just there on top, I did google what was in there and they were crotchless black tights, got to say sexy but oddly practical. I know she does stuff , I wish we could get it out in the open and I wonder if I was supposed to spot this and it was expected to ask what they were for. She wore them out to a staff event with a long dress and boots etc, she looked great , I know this as I picked her up from the station. Now do I let sleeping dogs lie, or despite her protestations of how silly I am tell her its ok to get out there, she has needs etc , odd thing is she has sexy underwear, I have never been treated to it, never, a while back I was cleaning under the bedroom furniture and found a black lacy bodice/teddy type thing, clearly been worn and stuffed under there , I said nothing just plonked it in the dirty wash basket, havnt seen it since.

She's overtly taking the lead on a don't-ask-don't-tell approach.
You need to decide whether that would work for you too.
If not, you should just initiate divorce proceedings -- if only to stop her shutting down the conversation.

User2025meow · Yesterday 14:41

Stop picking her up from the station.

GirlFromMontmartre · Yesterday 14:50

Just be honest and admit you get off on it 😂

Dery · Yesterday 18:49

I find it hard to believe that she's leaving sexy lingerie that she uses with other men around the place but perhaps that's her way of communicating the situation to you. Leaving that aside, it sounds like that side of your marriage is over and she won't care if you date elsewhere. It's what I would do in your shoes (if, for whatever reason, DH and I were in your situation but had not separated).

ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 18:54

Did this actually happen, or are you sharing your sexual fantasies?

Skytrain · Yesterday 19:55

I wish it were, it is an odd one, my fantasy would be something actually fun.

OP posts:
turdfish · Yesterday 23:46

Don’t say anything. Just find your own fun and go for it without guilt and enjoy yourself.

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