Is moving house exposing problems in my relationship or am I stressed?

[AuntyBetty61]

I posted recently about struggling to settle in a new house, I’m now starting to think the new house isn’t the issue, my partner is!
It feels very much that I’ve suddenly been confronted with all the bits of his personality I’ve chosen to ignore for so long.

Most of the time he’s great, people love him and he’s always thoughtful when it comes to thinking of others, apart from me! I’ve carried the full weight of the house move while he just focused on the bits that concerned him directly. I’ve had to nag to get anything done in the house and when I’ve made suggestions or had ideas he’s shut them down instantly. Only to then have the same idea a couple of weeks later! I know I’ve made a rod for my own back as I’ve always been fairly laid back for an easy life.

I feel a bit invisible unless something needs doing! I have an important job and make serious decisions for a large team, yet he makes me feel like an idiot. If I make the slightest mistake I never hear the end of it, never allowed to question him when he makes one though!

I spend more and more time know craving time on my own, coming home late and just generally avoiding him!

I’m not sure if I’m just stressed or just reached the end of my tether! When are things ‘bad enough’ to leave.

At a guess … the house move was a change that is allowing you to re-evaluate. It’s a big life change and makes you look at other stuff. How long have you been together? Kids?

Did you live together before the move?

We’ve been together 10 years with no kids and lived together before this. We let moved a few years ago and work was a lot less stressful then!

I’m not sure if I’m just stressed or just reached the end of my tether! When are things ‘bad enough’ to leave.
You can leave whenever you want OP. It doesn't even have to be bad, you could just not be compatible anymore. People grow apart and want different things all the time.

However based on your posts it sounds as though he thinks you are trapped and therefore he can treat you abusively. Some women get this treatment when they become pregnant or after giving birth but it's always when he thinks you can't leave, whether it's because of finances, job, babies, bigger and newer mortgage, or because you keep giving in for a quiet life. You've already ticked two boxes.

Time to make an exit plan.

I think he’s taking advantage of the fact he thinks you will never leave. If you really adore him then have a huge conversation and expect instant change. If that doesn’t happen I would leave before kids are involved and things get messy.

Every time I try to talk to him. He has a way of not taking ownership and turning it back on me. He does it in such a calm way I end up apologising or in tears. I get so cross with myself after and can’t believe I’d said sorry!

Think you are renting so easier to leave for whatever reason.

DARVO. Maybe look it up and see if anything rings a bell.

Hmm I disagree, I think you should let the house stress settle perhaps and see if you feel the same . Me and my husband have strengths and weaknesses and we’re not always the best versions of ourselves especially in stressful situations. House moving is more stressful that you probably even realise / tired / money / more boring jobs to do … on both of you . Give it a little while to settle down xxx

Look up emotional abuse (belittling is one sign) on any official website, and also DARVO. You'll find your relationship on it. I'm sorry.

A big life change shakes you out of the routine you've settled in to as a couple. With a new house, there are lots of discussions that you wouldn't be having if you hadn't moved. And you're seeing a pattern, because you're not stupid, you haven't yet been worn down in to a submissive way of behaving... and because there is a pattern.

I'm sorry for you. But if you are actively avoiding him, it is time to move on.