Am I overreacting to stepping back from unsupportive in-laws?

[MumofMaskers]

Has anyone experienced being frozen out by family members? Specifically in laws. Our relationship hasn't been great for various reasons over the last few years, although I would say more chilly/frosty rather than anything horrible being said or confrontation. I just increasingly got the vibe I wasn't very welcome at family events etc and any contact felt like the bare minimum.

Over the last year or so things have been really hard with my children and they have both struggled to attend school which has been really challenging with lots of assessments, attempts to get help, changing schools etc. I've given up work to support them and am now home educating - this is a fairly recent thing and was a decision made after trying everything to make school work.

Not once have they asked how the children are or shown any support or care. I am pretty sure they disapprove of the decision to home educate based on things they have said before. It feels horrible especially when they know how tough things have been and that we effectively have no choice. I feel like if they can't accept our decision, show basic care and curiosity to see how the children are getting on and celebrate their unique path, they shouldn't get to be in their lives. I know that's not fair and my husband will at least keep on seeing them but for my own peace and sanity I would like to opt out. I just feel hurt but I don't know if I'm over reacting.

I've talked to my husband about it but he's very conflict avoidant and is burying his head in the sand. I would never ask him to side with me but I feel very alone and undefended and what's been such a hard time - so many people have disappeared and I'm walking a lonely road, and this just makes it so much worse. I don't know what we'll do when it comes to Christmas, kids birthdays etc as I just don't feel like I can fake it anymore.

Big hug. Reading your thread firstly it seems to me like you're presuming they disapprove but you don't actually know that's how they feel? and secondly, it sounds like you've made the best decision for your kids so does it matter if they approve or not? It wouldn't change your course of action if you knew they disapproved would it? I don't have the best relationship with my in-laws, they don't make much effort with my kids and they never really have (they post a birthday card through our letterbox even though we're all sat in the house!) but I've got to the point now where I don't really care - I'm over it. Please concentrate your time & efforts on those that concentrate on you and try to push negative people/thoughts out of your mind. You hit the nail on the head though, with faking it. I don't fake it anymore. My husband visits his parents and I stay home. Its all very polite and we've never had a falling out but as I get older, I match other people's efforts instead of tying myself in knots people pleasing and not getting it back in return. Keep on keeping on, you're doing great !

What do you want from them? 🤷‍♀️

I don't know, a bit of support, love and care for the children who have been through a lot? They live round the corner. They won't speak to me directly, only through my husband.

I think I'm doubting and second guessing myself a lot as I've been made to doubt things with the children and school so much, so I am super sensitive to any disapproval especially from people who are important in their lives.

I guess I want to know how they feel. The radio silence feels painful.

I just always hoped I'd have a close relationship with them, we've been together a long time and it wasn't always this bad but it has definitely gone downhill in the last few years and I've never understood why.

I'm sure once I've accepted it more I'll feel better about it but I just don't want Christmas etc to be difficult. And I know my husband will feel stuck in the middle.

I feel for you. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much that can be done. What I would do just to test the waters since they haven’t been very open about how they feel is maybe invite them around? I know it seems a little too nice considering they haven’t offered much support but often someone just needs an olive branch.

my MIL is actually a very nice woman, but shes very blunt whilst also being quite shy deep down. That combination makes me feel infuriated by her sometimes but I know she’s not a bad person and she would want us all to be happy etc. She just often comes across a little standoffish and sometimes judgey even when she doesn’t mean it.

Invite them in, be the bigger person, if they start showing support and they appreciate the invite, amazing. If not, you have your answer.

Yes maybe I need to just be the bigger person as you say, as much as after all that's happened I really don't want to! But maybe I need to just give one last opportunity to find out if there's any willingness to try and understand or support our situation. I suspect I know deep down what will happen but like you say if I don't try I won't know for sure.

Why are you so desperate for their approval and understanding? You're making the choices you think are right for your children and family...
They don't sound that bothered? Where are your family for support? Tbf I get most support from friends not family... Especially with SEN issues family useless..

Think you need to think about what support it is you want ... Stop wasting energy on expectations of other people... You can either articulate to them what you want and see if they are interested /able to help or get involved but sounds unlikely...

Or just try and establish support elsewhere..are there any local home ed groups or parent carer forum/support....

Maybe your local carers group may have some counselling/support available.. ours does cheap massages at the centre every so often..its good to have a break and something for yourself sometimes..

Your husband had been raised by them and as a result he is also mired in fear obligation and guilt. His inertia when it comes to his parents in the guise of being conflict avoidant (he likely saw a lot of that when he was growing up) hurts him as well as you. He could do with therapy re them. He is key here and he ultimately needs to stand up for both himself and his family unit.

Do not be the so called bigger person here; being that anyway does not equate to further accepting poor treatment nor being walked over. His parents could really not care less about you so stop seeking their approval. Your h has been trying to do that rather his entire life and they won’t give that to him either. It’s not you, it’s them at fault here and they would have likely behaved the self same regardless of whom their son married. People like his parents are really not worth bothering about. You need radiators in your life, not drains upon them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat your assessment of the situation is scarily accurate given you only know what I've written. I have spoken to him about therapy, either his own or together, as I worry about the harm the resentment that's building is causing. It's multi layered because of SEND parenting and the fact that the sacrifices I've made far outweigh his (not that he hasn't bene impacted too) so this on top feels like too much at times. But I do have sympathy for him being stuck in the middle and have never felt that he is treated well by his family in the twenty years we've been together. I have often wondered if it's personal towards me or it would have happened with anyone. I have constantly gone over what I have done wrong, why it's happened but have mostly given up now, I don't think it was anything in particular, we're just different and have different values but they decided to gradually freeze me out. A family holiday several years ago was the breaking point and it just went downhill from there, just seeing how consistently we are not chosen and are an afterthought for everything, on the periphery of celebrations, traditions. We can make our own though,

@averythinline and yes I completely agree with your points, it's been a long and painful process to get here and I think everything with the kids has magnified it and now kind of drawn a line under it all as it's shown that they don't support us and probably never will. I have way too much stress as it is so no time to waste energy on trying to win over people who don't want to listen or help.

Luckily my family are better and do want to help, they have taken a while to get their heads around it all but try. Friends have been mixed - it's very much been a case of finding out who sticks around when things get hard. I have always cared too much what people think and been a people pleaser but now I realise there's nothing to be gained from that and it's time to try something new with people that fit our life and want to be a part of it.

Some parents just don’t care. My IL are like that. I never speak to them directly, but I’m not overly bothered anyway! Never goes out their way to see our DS.
im not really sure from your posts what your ILs have done, but some just aren’t interested. Don’t worry about them, just focus on yourself and your family.

Sounds like my in-laws if your not doing it their way your doing it wrong. Very bizarre attitude and unfortunately it’s in grained in my partner, I realised to late unfortunately. I just have generally opted out of any conversation or visits, for fear of being critiqued or gossiped about, if I go I generally don’t say much and just play with my daughter or dog.