Feeling invisible in my own life.

[YouMeWhoever]

I'm aware this is going to sound petty but think of it more in terms of many, many very little cuts rather than a single deep gouge.

I have a newish friend and we are very similar in many ways.

She and her husband recently invited us to stay for a few days. My partner has only met them briefly a couple of times previously and this is the first time he has been to her house.

He was very effusive about how much he loved their house and even commented on, of all things, a vase he really liked.

It wouldn't be so bad if she and I were very different, I don't think, because there might be genuine style preferences but she and I are so similar that our houses are decorated and styled quite similarly too. Nothing in either of our houses would be out of place in the other and there were a lot of quiet, "I have one of those!" moments. He's never commented positively on my house. Never negatively either, he just doesn't notice stuff. He certainly wouldn't have an opinion on a vase I own.

I don't know, I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough (after a life time of being told I'm not good enough by one person or anther) and this just felt like one more thing where I'm not good enough.

I know people say comparison is the thief of jy but its not me doing the comparing. I loved her house too. But I also love mine and, anyway, they're not in competition.

This obviously isn't the only thing and probably does sound quite petty but it really consolidated how invisible I feel in my own life, my own home, my own relationship etc and that's the real problem.

If, as you say, it's indicative of other issues maybe concentrate on those issues. Would therapy help you?

I've had therapy on and off for years. I know all the things to do and say to myself but I feel like I'm gaslighting myself and don't want to do it anymore.

I'd rather just slope off and hide away but I can't do that unfortunately.

I think its quite normal chit chat with someone you don't know very well when staying in their home isn't it?
You said that he'd only met them a couple of times so likely he was struggling for something to talk about!

When he's spending time with you, he's focused on you, not a vase, or curtains, or anything else. I would only expect him to talk about anything in your house if either you did something massively different or he was moving in.

He was been polite and a good guest.

Sounds like polite small talk to me.

I know.

It just felt like he'd 'noticed' her and her efforts but doesn't notice me or mine.

I suppose I don't really ever feel 'noticed'.

But thank you for the perspective.

I think it's a perfectly normal thing to do, when he's a guest in the home of someone he doesn't know well and seeing the home for the first time. It sounds like he may have been a bit over the top, maybe a bit nervous staying in the home of someone he doesn't know well?

The feelings you describe I think are a result of previous difficulties/trauma. You say you don't feel 'noticed' but he is with you, he loves you, he chose you. So of course you are enough. You are looking for external validation rather than finding that confidence within yourself. I don't know what type of therapy you have done but if you look to others to give you that sense of being enough, you'll probably always be disappointed. You need to be enough for you.