How to tell someone they are not for you

[TotalWuss]

I have past relationship trauma and I know exactly why I get anxiety whenever I have to be direct with someone because I am fearful of a negative or unpleasant reaction. I know that’s my problem and it’s been really hard for me to fix.

So whenever I meet a potential date and have to let them down gently to tell them they’re not for me, I get really anxious. It’s usually totally unjustified because it’s unlikely someone is going to kick off but the dread and fear is still there.

I’ve just had to do it and immediately had to archive the conversation because I don’t want to see the response. How irrational does that seem to you?

Does anyone else get like that? If so, how do you deal with it?

I often feel sick too - even though rationally I know the response is likely to be a harmless ‘never mind’ or similar and I need someone with with me to read the response - which sounds totally nuts written down.

If you're still holding onto past relationship trauma and it's causing you to suffer from anxiety, is it a good idea to be dating at all?

You sound a bit vulnerable so I'm not sure I'd date anyone if I was in your position right now.

I’m not vulnerable, I just have scars from a previous relationship and at least need to try or I’ll never date anyone.

How can you not be vulnerable when you're still being affected by past relationship trauma, and it's making you suffer anxiety?

It's not completely irrational. I've dated quite a lot and often if I'm not feeling they aren't either. So it's possible you're thinking the same as them. The most extreme response I've had is they're disappointed as they thought we'd clicked. I haven't ever had anyone be aggressive etc and if they were I'd certainly of dodged a bullet. Unless you're putting out massive expectations or talking long term before you've met then there's no reason for anyone to be angry etc as you're just two people meeting up seeing if you get on.

I find it awkward to send the "sorry you're who I'm looking for" message if they're clearly keen but I don't want to mess anyone around and they'll get over it.

I’m fine in the rest of my life. The only way I can fix this is to get out there and try, with support when I need it.

I send something along the lines of 'I've enjoyed our dates but unfortunately I'm not feeling the romantic chemistry I'm looking for. Good luck on your search!' I don't engage any further after that.

"Thanks for the date. I enjoyed hanging out but I didn't feel the spark that I'm looking for. Wishing you well"

Thank you, it helps to hear how others do it and exactly what you say.

Not that I have to justify why I react the way I do, but when you’ve been repeatedly attacked by text/email/solictor’s letters etc by your ex partner for years and years, it doesn’t mean I can’t start looking for a new relationship, once I know what I’m looking for. Any good new potential partner would be understanding of my past and how it impacts my present.