Hey everyone,
I wanted to get your thoughts/advice on a friendship which I’ve found has become quite stressful and gage other people’s opinions on what’s going on and hopefully get some advice on how to manage in the future.
I have a friend, let’s call her Amy. We’ve been friends for 20 years now and met originally at work. When we first met we worked in the same team and were both early 20s, single and had similar lifestyles. We used to go out at lot after work drinks and weekends etc.
We stayed close friends after we both got new jobs and over the years have stayed in touch and she’s been there for all my important moments - engagement, wedding, birth of my two children. She has been a really good friend and this is why I do really want to continue the friendship.
However, over the past 5-10 years our lives have gone in completely differently paths. I’m married with two children and I’m juggling a busy job, being a Mum and am also having to support my parents and grandparents. My Mum has progressive MS and my Dad is a full time carer for her so at weekends I go and give him a break and take them lots of batch cooked meals for the week. I also help my Nana and Grandad out a lot with hospital appointments and admin etc as they’re struggling more now they are in their late 80s.
All in all I’m spinning a lot of plates and to be honestly barely keeping it together most days just with the weight of all the responsibility.
My friends life is completely different as she never married or met anyone, doesn’t have children and doesn’t have any family to support. She does have a busy job and is also studying and so I am not trying to make out that I am busier than her or anything but we just have different realities.
Recently she has become increasingly awkward about catching up and making plans. She doesn’t seem to have any regard for the fact I’m really struggling for time and will suggest a plan i.e meet for lunch and then closer to the time start suggesting we meet at 4pm and stay out for cocktails afterwards. Which I would love but that wasn’t the plan and isn’t what’s on my calendar (which is pretty much micromanaged to the hour at a weekend so I can fit in seeing everyone).
She keeps suggesting regular catch ups and I have really tried to explain that I’m struggling with life and am probably for now the friend who does a quick coffee or walk rather than anything else but for some reason it just never seems to get through to her.
Every time we try and make a plan she’ll suggest something super elaborate, usually close to her house which is a 45 minute drive away and is a three step plan such as I drive to her, she drives us somewhere else then we go for food and a walk and it ends is being pretty much a full day catch up. This wouldn’t be as bad if she minded catching up with my little girls but she always picks something that’s not suitable for them to do like a 5 mile walk or go to a super snazzy restaurant which is not child friendly. But I don’t want to spend a full day at weekend away from them when they’re at school in the week.
Recently she text me three times about doing something for my birthday. Now I’m not that bothered about doing a birthday catch up but I hadn’t seen her for a while so I thought okay it would be nice to catch up.
I suggested a walk and a coffee , relatively close to me on Sunday morning to which she agreed a few weeks ago. I tried to make the plan as specific and low key as possible so we could have a good chat but as it was for my birthday fit in well with my other plans. Which in this case we’re getting a Tesco delivery, having my Mum and Dad over for a late lunch and then taking my little girls swimming (yes I live life to the max!!)
On Saturday night at 9pm she text saying please can we move the catch up to later because she was out tonight. I didn’t even see it until the morning by which point our other friend had replied and said that she wasn’t sure we could because I had suggested that time as I had other stuff on. Eventually we met later and still caught up but only for a short time because I had to get back.
What I am wondering though is how to address this in the future? I do want to be her friend and I do try and see her as much as I can but I can’t keep having plans change at the last minute to accommodate her and I can’t keep trying to keep her happy by continuing to do elaborate plans that mean I have to get up at 5am to fit in everything else I have to do at weekend before the reality of the week starts again.
I know she may be lonely and that’s why she wants to keep catching up but if anything it’s just pushing me away and making me want to distance myself.
What would you do? Thoughts?