Separating due to his untreated depression and what to tell the children?

[Notachristmaself]

I intend to separate from my husband due to his unwillingness to access and stick to treatment of his depression. I told my mum and MIL at the weekend. My MIL stated that as depression is hereditary my kids would get it and see I was not supporting their dad. (She is normally very supportive of me but does expect me to continue running around after him, and he is her son after all just like my son's are mine) I disagree, and from all that I've read there is some genetic predisposition there are things you can do to mitigate the risks. I think separating will tell them that they are not responsible for making their dad better, and neither is any other person. They are older teens, and I've spoken to them about talking to others, meditation etc but I don't want their dads illness to affect them or for them to feel powerless because ' depression is hereditary'. DS is in the middle of exams ( another reason why I can't forgive this) but I want to talk to them afterwards about it. I don't really know what to do though.

Your MIL is not going to be on your side is she, he's her son. You need to do what's right for you and not take her biased views into consideration.

Do what is right by you and your children. Your mil will be on her son’s side in any case. Consider seeking legal advice if you have not already done so because knowledge is power.

LIke any health condition, there may well be genetic markers that make it more likely in one person vs another, but it's ridiculous to say that your children will definitely suffer.

As importantly, knowing about a condition and how damaging it can be untreated is a great motivator to stay on top of your own potential diagnosis and treatment, should it become necessary.

I think if you hvae to separate to protect your children, so be it. If they're teenagers, it's perfectly reasonable to do so an to explain to them that you cannot remain in ar elationship where one perosn's mental health, and refusal to manage it, is causing challenges or difficulties for other members of the family, particularly them (the children). It's also essential for them to understand that their father's mental health problems are not their fault or theirs to solve.

Good luck. Don't listen to mil. She is, of course, on her son's side. And that's fine and right.

One of the many reasons my ex is my ex after 30 year marriage is that he would not access help for his mental health and it was affecting the whole family badly and getting worse (OCD & paranoia). Long story but one brief part was i finally threatened divorce if he wouldn't see the GP........he did........was months later I discovered he'd just gone for an MOT. 😡
His paranoia led to me being frightened of him, I told my sons exactly the truth although the youngest was 18 by then. Think they were all relieved that he had gone, the atmosphere at home was much lighter/relaxed. My only regret was being too nice and putting up with it for far too long (too embarrassed to say how long😔).

But you’re not separating due to his depression but his refusal to treat it. I come from a long line of women who suffer from depression. I too have depression but I take the tablets and am actually more of an optimist than dh!

And I will always take the tablets just as if I were diabetic I would take the insulin.

Is it genetic or is it caused by being raised by parents with mental ill health? I suspect it’s a bit of both. My parents were both wholly inadequate and my childhood was, at times, chaotic. And I don’t mean the divorce, so don’t be feeling guilty about leaving your husband. Honestly, it’s probably the best thing you can do for your children.

@Bridgertonisbest Is it genetic or is it caused by being raised by parents with mental ill health? I suspect it’s a bit of both. My parents were both wholly inadequate and my childhood was, at times, chaotic.

This is what I think to a greater extent. His father was an alcoholic and suffered from depression to, and was verbally abusive to him. His mum spent her life jumping to every whim.

I know I'm doing the right thing( although due to financial/ kids in the middle of exams etc at the moment we are still on nnthe same house, and will be for probably a year, but I just want the kids to know that these things are not inevitable and they can look after their own mental health.

It is true that genetic predisposition can be significant, but as PP's have said, it is a risk to be handled realistically. There is a predisposition to Type 1 diabetes in my own family; DF took the medics seriously when warned, and prolonged his life for another 30 years. Not a ripe old age, but he saw his family grow to adult independence. My cousin, in contrast, carried on regardless, suffering two amputations and dying from heart failure leaving two school age children bereaved.
Likewise with unfortunate upbringings; so many posters on here have shown that there is a choice: repeat the pattern, or strike out bravely and make a point of breaking away from precedent.
It is perfectly possible that there is a genetic element to your husband's depression, or it may be that his upbringing has played a part, but quibbling over "nature or nurture" is not the point; there are remedies to be had, and your sons deserve to know that.

quibbling over "nature or nurture" is not the point; there are remedies to be had, and your sons deserve to know that.
I know, I'm wondering what they are though! I've started doing ' 3 good things that happened today' at the dinner table ( well I started last night and warned them they would have to do it every day!) they already do sleep meditation etc. I was wondering about counselling.

Mil called yesterday to see how he was getting on and I did blow up about it. At the end of the conversation she ended up agreeing with me that it was all up to him to motivate himself! I felt bad for shouting as I've never done it and she's in her 80s but it wasn't at her.

I think your MIL is a product of a time where women took complete responsibility and were forced to take responsibility for “fixing” men so her views represent what she learned in her era.

Just as parenting practices have changed since then as we have learned about child psychology so have we improved our understanding that ultimately to make any change people have to take responsibility for themself and enabling damaging behaviour is not productive for people.

From people I’ve known who have suffered from severe depression, it’s not as simple as ‘go and see the doctor and take the tablets’. Depression can be totally debilitating, leaving the sufferer with no ability to control their lives.
That being said, no one should have to live with anyone if they don’t want to. Personally, I would not tell your DC that you’re splitting up because their DF won’t get treatment. And I certainly wouldn’t be staying in the marital home for a year after ‘splitting up’. How is that going to help anyone? These are not toddlers who can be fooled into thinking everything’s hunky dory, they are teens whose heads will be in bits trying to live in a household where their parents don’t speak and their father is mentally ill.
If this truly is the end of your marriage, you need to look for elsewhere to live asap and let your DC have a say in whether they stay with you, their father or split their time between both of you.

My husband has suffered with depression, I have no idea if it is hereditary or as a result of his upbringing by a depressed mother. Either way, it has been really hard to deal with as I was always a pretty happy person. I tried to help but he’d refused to help himself. It took him hitting absolute rock bottom, for him to do anything about it, divorce, lost his job, car, dc not speaking to him etc.

Sadly, I didn’t get out on time and I was collateral damage, my own mental health has suffered, due to his actions. I have since found something I wrote 4 yrs before we split, that said I wanted to leave him, that I couldn’t cope with his depression anymore, but that I knew I couldn’t leave him for the same reasons, I don’t remember writing it and I was shocked when I found it, but I do wish I’d left him then, before my own MH was damaged.

I think this too. I have bipolar but I was raised by a mother who had schizophrenia (undiagnosed till I was 10) and a father who’s own trauma meant he wouldn’t speak to me for days at a time if I asked for help when he was stressed. Living a life where the day I had depended on the mood he woke up in has left its own lasting damage. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar till I was in my early 50s but I had always struggled. I’ve told my kids there may be a vulnerability for them. However they have lived a very different life. They are amused at the thought of being scared of my DH and me.

@Humblepieman I think this is true, and I understand that. I know it's hard for her but I don't think doing everything for him is helping v at c all b and C shell b have to face it.
@Soontobe60 That's what my mil said! But the thing is, he was sectioned, stabilised, given meds when he was well and told to in no circumstances come off them, and if he didn't feel they were working, go immediately to the crisis team/GP for a review. He didn't, had another episode, was seen as an outpatient, made to put an alarm on his phone by the psychiatrist, I would ask him regularly if he was taking the meds, went to get them increased then I looked on his phone and he'd switched the alarms off! That is someone who,when well has decided not to take responsibility for his own welfare.

Well if it's hereditary how come my great gran suffered badly from depression yet it's missed the next two generations..load of nonsense nobody knows when the chemical imbalance will happen. My dh never had it then a few years ago boom came from nowhere, no family record of it... medication for a year and then back to his old self....however we have a friend who has just separated from her husband and moved into her own house with daughters as he suffers very badly and has refused for years to get treatment. There still married but he won't get help and it can get very hard but now easier for her and kids there not getting the back lash daily anymore