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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What have I done

28 replies

moonandback21 · 18/05/2026 11:07

hi I need help because I’m feeling the worst person in the whole world and I know Im absolutely pathetic for doing what I did. For a whole week i have been an anxious mess thinking of it .

been with my partner 4 years . Hes either a narcissist or has some avoidant attachment avoidant. He can never be there for me when I’m sad or need him he just disappears and takes cocaine .

when I met him he wasn’t in a good place , drugs , addiction to porn. All the things Im dead against . He promises time and time again that he won’t watch it or take drugs . Each time hes lied .

iv been through so much with him but if I wrote them on here we would be here all day . My family dont speak to me anymore because Im with him . I hit a really bad low point in February. I had a misscarriage which my family didnt know about and still dont . I had to go to hospital and instead of being there for me he stayed out doing coke then when I got home made me wait in the car for two hours for him to come home from the pub . He argued with me the whole night . The next day I felt so alone and depressed that I took off in my car and took a few packs of paracetamol. The police found me .

thats a little insight of what iv been through with him.

i left again a month ago because of drugs . He came back and this time I felt I couldn’t take anymore so I said it’s either that life or me . He said me and swore on everything that he wouldn’t ruin it rhis time .

last Sunday he was busy all day doing his car . We were going to cook together but he said for me to do it because he was busy . He was doing it outside the house . I spent hours cooking for the night and food and breakfast for work for him . Cleaned , done all his washing . He phoned and said he had to go to his boses house to take a drill back .

his boss is another one he drinks wirh and takes drugs with in and outside of work also the one who was with him in a pub when I had a misscarriage. I felt a bit on edge but I thought I couldn’t take anymore trust him this time .

he come back and he was fine but he was smelling so bad of drink . So I said why he is smelling so bad . He said he had 3 bottles doing his van . But he drinks that most days and it didn’t smell no where near as bad and didnt smell of larger .

he ate a tiny bit of food . Normally he would eat loads . had a shower and we went to bed to watch a film he hates but I love and normally he would winge his head off or fall asleep
with in ten minutes. You could swear he was writing an essay on the film he didn’t stop asking questions!

now Im starting to think this is so odd . I remember someone saying about coke di#k . This is so personal so I’m sorry. So I turn around and say fancy a session ? That’s what we call it . First time ever he said what now ? Normally I don’t even ask . His Willy didnt have any life In it and it was shrivelled right up . No matter what I did it just kept getting smaller somehow .

so I said what have you took and he said nothing . I know his lying nothing . It got so bad I had to order drug tests . So he kept saying test me then . I said swear on your daughters life that you havnt then il do it but he wouldn’t . So In my head hes either passed before when he shouldn’t have or thought because he just took it it might not show up either .

i lost it . Iv never done this before . I started crying and I started smashing everything up . Even his tv . I coudkmt stop . He left the house and went in his van . I took the food I bought and made and left . He was parked by my car and kept saying you’re so wrong . Like he always does to try and make me feel like I am . But I know I wasn’t .

then I stupidly put on Facebook because I knew that would get to him and I was so upset and angry rhis time . Again iv never done this before.

I wrote once a coke head always a coke head then wrote ….men dont try and lie to your girlfriends about taking coke . Because your floppy Weener will always grass you up .

you can all abuse me for this . I know how pathetic everything I done was . And im so sorry .

after all this I miss him so much . Wirh out the drink and drugs hes so nice . I text him two days ago and phoned him and hes ignored me . I know iv ruined it by what I have done and it’s killing me . Iv not slept all weekend . Im in work now and feel like I can’t cope . Please tell me I was in the wrong for doing what I did ? Thankyou

OP posts:
Gardenpleasure · 18/05/2026 11:23

You haven't ruined anything OP.
He is a an addict who lives for drink and drugs. They are the most important things in his life. He has shown you that repeatedly. He has lied to you over and over again and treated you disgracefully

Get back in touch with your family. Get all the support you can. But don't get in touch with him. Cut him out of your life.

lumierka · 18/05/2026 11:27

Hi,

Please read up on trauma bond!

This is definitely not a person you should be grieving, as you deserve love, not cycle of false promises from a drug addict.
Why do you think of yourself so badly that you only deserve this toxic crap?
Maybe you witnessed something similar as a dynamic in your childhood?

Your FB post was actually funny, what a waste of space this guy is.
Go girl, find your anger and don't look back!!
He is a loser.

ThePM · 18/05/2026 11:30

So you took the trash out?

Why would you want this absolute loser in your life?

JengaCupboard · 18/05/2026 11:34

This guy is an absolute loser. You sound like you might be trauma bonded to him possibly, or you just need to strongly evaluate your own standards and boundaries. People don't treat people they care about that way.

Maybe his life is/was shit and that's why he does what he does, or maybe he's just a common asshole. Either way he isn't your problem.

Far, FAR better people exist, and if this is the bar I don't think you will need to look too hard. Get rid and move on.

ringsnthings · 18/05/2026 11:35

So very sorry you lost your baby..but honestly your life won't improve till you get rid of this loser permanently. You really deserve much more.

springdaffodils26 · 18/05/2026 11:42

Get rid of this waste of oxygen. He won’t change. He’s scum, druggy alcoholic. Fuck him off.

happysinglemama · 18/05/2026 11:57

Hopefully he’s gone for good! Look after yourself

Griselinia · 18/05/2026 12:05

He wasn't exactly bringing out the best in you was he.

He chose coke over you. That sucks but it's for the best that you know where his priorities lie so you can clarify your own.

DierdreDaphne · 18/05/2026 12:09

What have you done? The right thing, that's what you've done.

Yes he's nice enough to you occasionally, just to keep you hanging on. But you have very sensibly now stopped hanging on and let go, because he's vile the rest of the time.

Better to be single than treated so badly. He's horrible.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 18/05/2026 12:12

Seems like all of your problems could be solved in one step..
Get rid of him. He brings absolutely nothing to your life whatsoever..
Accept he chooses drugs over you and end things with him.

moonandback21 · 18/05/2026 12:16

Thankyou all so much for your kind reply’s . I was expecting everyone to say how bad and horrible I am . And it was me in the wrong . Unfortunately and I know deep down he will always choose drink and drugs and porn over me . It’s so hard because iv been so faithful to him, id never intentionally hurt him because of how much I loved/ love him . I don’t understand how he can’t ever come to my house and say sorry . It’s always me contacting him then listening to him flip out on the phone for an hour . Then I go up and it’s like nothing ever happened for him , he then loves me so much when I go back , he makes me feel so loved and safe but im still riddled with anxiety and worrying when hes going to do it again , also Im always feeling hurt and nothing is resolved in my head because he’s never apologised. So Im stuck in a loop . Then my anxiety gets bad . Which usually makes us argue because he can’t deal with it and starts getting angry . The sad thing is my life has never been like this . Iv never been involved with drugs or porn . Or dealing with his behaviour. My family wont speak to me again . So there is no point . I know they hate me. The only thing keeping me here is my dog . I love him more than life . That’s what upsets me the most when I done what I did in February. How could I even think of leaving him . He would never cope with out me either . Two days after that thats when my mother didnt want anything to do with me because I went back to him . I feel like my life is ruined .

OP posts:
drunkelephant83 · 18/05/2026 12:19

If you’re never going to go back try build bridges with your family again.

Don’t chase him, or hope he will come back and say sorry. Go quiet, move on quietly with your life.

This guy is a loser and will never change.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Inmyuggs · 18/05/2026 12:23

Break the cycle of unhealthy attachment
Do not subject you or your child to a drug user.
Lies games and a unstable life
Do you think the facebook post would benefit from a real life conversation with a professional or a social service able to help, I would be.
He will never change.
You want a change..a healthy stable life so go get one.
It is possible..druggie bf free.

DierdreDaphne · 18/05/2026 12:26

It isn't clear where you live/he lives/the dog lives and whose dog it is. But you mustn't sacrifice any more of your precious life to this man. If he finds the dog hard work he may let you take it though he may also use the dog to try to control you (again?).

You need to plan first of all for a future free from Mr Floppy Weener and his vile ways. Be very clear in your mind about that, do not show any weakness. If necessary, fake it till you make it, as you know this man is No Good and you need him out of your head, and out of your life.

Notarealblonde · 18/05/2026 12:34

Dump him! And never look back

SwatTheTwit · 18/05/2026 12:49

You need to leave him. As long as he’s on it, this is what your life will be like.

I’m actually kinda shocked you thought reproducing with this man would have been a good idea. Not only you’re condemning yourself to a life of misery, but you’d be putting that on your would-be baby as well. Please don’t.

He needs rehab but that’s a decision he has to come to on his own terms.

SwatTheTwit · 18/05/2026 12:52

Also for what it’s worth, he’s treating you this way because he knows he can. Yes, part of it is the drugs, but he’ll keep doing it because he knows he can walk all over you.

I’m saying this not only from experience but also because the addict in question admitted to it post recovery. They know.

IAmATeacherShhDontTellAnyone · 18/05/2026 12:57

I feel like my life is ruined .

It's not but it's not going to get any better while you're with him.

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 18/05/2026 12:59

Your life will be ruined if you stay with him.

He's no good. A liar and an addict.

Dery · 18/05/2026 13:13

@moonandback21 - you sound so vulnerable. You were wrong to smash up his stuff but anything that keeps him away from you sounds like a good thing. We all do wrong things from time to time.

Your family should love and support you not hate you. We don't know whether they really hate you (a horrifying suggestion) or whether that is projection on your part arising out of your low self esteem and vulnerability. However, the fact you even think they might hate you suggests that your family and your upbringing could be a big part of the reason why you think so little of yourself that this man has become a fixture in your life. You say that it feels so good when this man is behaving well. However, a much better test of a relationship is how it feels when things aren't going so well. All relationships feel good when they're going well but bad relationships feel appalling when things aren't going so well, whereas a good relationship will probably just feel a bit meh if things aren't going so well. Your quality of life will only deteriorate with this guy in it.

Have you read Women Who Love Too Much? by Robin Norwood. I think that might be a helpful read for you. Also, you might find it helpful to do the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php.

Bananalanacake · 18/05/2026 15:15

But you've left him now, so that's good

moderate · 18/05/2026 15:24

moonandback21 · 18/05/2026 12:16

Thankyou all so much for your kind reply’s . I was expecting everyone to say how bad and horrible I am . And it was me in the wrong . Unfortunately and I know deep down he will always choose drink and drugs and porn over me . It’s so hard because iv been so faithful to him, id never intentionally hurt him because of how much I loved/ love him . I don’t understand how he can’t ever come to my house and say sorry . It’s always me contacting him then listening to him flip out on the phone for an hour . Then I go up and it’s like nothing ever happened for him , he then loves me so much when I go back , he makes me feel so loved and safe but im still riddled with anxiety and worrying when hes going to do it again , also Im always feeling hurt and nothing is resolved in my head because he’s never apologised. So Im stuck in a loop . Then my anxiety gets bad . Which usually makes us argue because he can’t deal with it and starts getting angry . The sad thing is my life has never been like this . Iv never been involved with drugs or porn . Or dealing with his behaviour. My family wont speak to me again . So there is no point . I know they hate me. The only thing keeping me here is my dog . I love him more than life . That’s what upsets me the most when I done what I did in February. How could I even think of leaving him . He would never cope with out me either . Two days after that thats when my mother didnt want anything to do with me because I went back to him . I feel like my life is ruined .

I don’t understand how he can’t ever come to my house and say sorry . It’s always me contacting him

That's how.

steppemum · 18/05/2026 15:26

please don't let him back in.
He is never going to put you first.
You deserve better

Leave and take time to heal.

moderate · 18/05/2026 15:29

moonandback21 · 18/05/2026 12:16

Thankyou all so much for your kind reply’s . I was expecting everyone to say how bad and horrible I am . And it was me in the wrong . Unfortunately and I know deep down he will always choose drink and drugs and porn over me . It’s so hard because iv been so faithful to him, id never intentionally hurt him because of how much I loved/ love him . I don’t understand how he can’t ever come to my house and say sorry . It’s always me contacting him then listening to him flip out on the phone for an hour . Then I go up and it’s like nothing ever happened for him , he then loves me so much when I go back , he makes me feel so loved and safe but im still riddled with anxiety and worrying when hes going to do it again , also Im always feeling hurt and nothing is resolved in my head because he’s never apologised. So Im stuck in a loop . Then my anxiety gets bad . Which usually makes us argue because he can’t deal with it and starts getting angry . The sad thing is my life has never been like this . Iv never been involved with drugs or porn . Or dealing with his behaviour. My family wont speak to me again . So there is no point . I know they hate me. The only thing keeping me here is my dog . I love him more than life . That’s what upsets me the most when I done what I did in February. How could I even think of leaving him . He would never cope with out me either . Two days after that thats when my mother didnt want anything to do with me because I went back to him . I feel like my life is ruined .

How could I even think of leaving him . He would never cope with out me either .

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. He's destroying you, and teaching your daughter that she doesn't deserve happiness.

Wamid · 18/05/2026 15:29

Good lady for dumping him, leave him in his rubbish life. Loved the FB comment as it really tells everyone who and what he is, plus the signs when coke is involved!

To live a real life: Connect with your family, let them support only you (not him). Go for it lovely lady Real Big Time with the joy and energy you showed when you dumped him.

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