hi I need help because I’m feeling the worst person in the whole world and I know Im absolutely pathetic for doing what I did. For a whole week i have been an anxious mess thinking of it .
been with my partner 4 years . Hes either a narcissist or has some avoidant attachment avoidant. He can never be there for me when I’m sad or need him he just disappears and takes cocaine .
when I met him he wasn’t in a good place , drugs , addiction to porn. All the things Im dead against . He promises time and time again that he won’t watch it or take drugs . Each time hes lied .
iv been through so much with him but if I wrote them on here we would be here all day . My family dont speak to me anymore because Im with him . I hit a really bad low point in February. I had a misscarriage which my family didnt know about and still dont . I had to go to hospital and instead of being there for me he stayed out doing coke then when I got home made me wait in the car for two hours for him to come home from the pub . He argued with me the whole night . The next day I felt so alone and depressed that I took off in my car and took a few packs of paracetamol. The police found me .
thats a little insight of what iv been through with him.
i left again a month ago because of drugs . He came back and this time I felt I couldn’t take anymore so I said it’s either that life or me . He said me and swore on everything that he wouldn’t ruin it rhis time .
last Sunday he was busy all day doing his car . We were going to cook together but he said for me to do it because he was busy . He was doing it outside the house . I spent hours cooking for the night and food and breakfast for work for him . Cleaned , done all his washing . He phoned and said he had to go to his boses house to take a drill back .
his boss is another one he drinks wirh and takes drugs with in and outside of work also the one who was with him in a pub when I had a misscarriage. I felt a bit on edge but I thought I couldn’t take anymore trust him this time .
he come back and he was fine but he was smelling so bad of drink . So I said why he is smelling so bad . He said he had 3 bottles doing his van . But he drinks that most days and it didn’t smell no where near as bad and didnt smell of larger .
he ate a tiny bit of food . Normally he would eat loads . had a shower and we went to bed to watch a film he hates but I love and normally he would winge his head off or fall asleep
with in ten minutes. You could swear he was writing an essay on the film he didn’t stop asking questions!
now Im starting to think this is so odd . I remember someone saying about coke di#k . This is so personal so I’m sorry. So I turn around and say fancy a session ? That’s what we call it . First time ever he said what now ? Normally I don’t even ask . His Willy didnt have any life In it and it was shrivelled right up . No matter what I did it just kept getting smaller somehow .
so I said what have you took and he said nothing . I know his lying nothing . It got so bad I had to order drug tests . So he kept saying test me then . I said swear on your daughters life that you havnt then il do it but he wouldn’t . So In my head hes either passed before when he shouldn’t have or thought because he just took it it might not show up either .
i lost it . Iv never done this before . I started crying and I started smashing everything up . Even his tv . I coudkmt stop . He left the house and went in his van . I took the food I bought and made and left . He was parked by my car and kept saying you’re so wrong . Like he always does to try and make me feel like I am . But I know I wasn’t .
then I stupidly put on Facebook because I knew that would get to him and I was so upset and angry rhis time . Again iv never done this before.
I wrote once a coke head always a coke head then wrote ….men dont try and lie to your girlfriends about taking coke . Because your floppy Weener will always grass you up .
you can all abuse me for this . I know how pathetic everything I done was . And im so sorry .
after all this I miss him so much . Wirh out the drink and drugs hes so nice . I text him two days ago and phoned him and hes ignored me . I know iv ruined it by what I have done and it’s killing me . Iv not slept all weekend . Im in work now and feel like I can’t cope . Please tell me I was in the wrong for doing what I did ? Thankyou