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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a mug.

21 replies

AngelaBB · 18/05/2026 10:26

After a long and very unhappy marriage I left my husband and although I was by now in my fifties I met a man who at first seemed wonderful. After a couple of years I caught him messaging other women behind my back, he was very sorry and it blew over, after another couple of years he became obsessed with a woman that he had known for many years and wouldn’t leave her alone even though she had told him several times that she wasn’t interested. This had become the pattern of our lives, he is continually looking for someone else. He has never had any money but recently the money problems have got much worse and we are hopelessly in debt. I own the house and all the contents and at the moment he doesn’t contribute at all. He lies all the time, even to himself and had stolen money from me, even though I have very little. My children dislike him because of the way he treats me and they don’t visit us even though I see them outside the house. There is no love left and absolutely no respect, where do I go from here? I’m in my early seventies with only a very small pension and a load of debt that I have got because he doesn’t give me any money, I can’t work, I’m too old. The atmosphere at home is awful. I feel so lost.

OP posts:
Beetrootsmoothie · 18/05/2026 10:28

Ask your children for help. If this was my mum I would be delighted to help her get rid of someone who didn't deserve any more of her time.

Gardenpleasure · 18/05/2026 10:29

If you own the house OP then ask him to leave.
You will be better off financially if he goes - you can claim single occupancy council tax for a start.

Beetrootsmoothie · 18/05/2026 10:29

Do not be embarrassed, it sounds like they would welcome him being gone.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 18/05/2026 10:31

Get your children to help kick him out.

And then also ask them to help you sort out how to manage the debt.

He's the root of all your problems the bastard.

Zebracat · 18/05/2026 10:34

Get him out. Ask your kids to help. Change the locks. You aren’t married, he has no claim on your house or your money. Do not accept responsibility for his debts. Put the house up for sale and buy something cheaper. Never ever see him or communicate with him again. You deserve peace.

CoyGoldenKoi · 18/05/2026 10:34

You kick him out of your house.

And you make sure you're not paying any debt that is actually in his name. Not much you can do if it's in your name, but any debt that he took out, you leave him to it.

For your own, there are debt charities which might be helpful in getting you a plan to sort it out, and in freezing the interest etc so you have a bit more breathing space to work it out and pay it off.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2026 10:44

You say 'we are in debt' but, if you are not married, the debt belongs to the person whose name is on them.

So whose name are the debts in? Are these debts you have accrued because of his lack of contribution or debts he has accrued personally?

AngelaBB · 18/05/2026 10:45

Both.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 18/05/2026 10:46

Please say you’re not married to this one…

Bananalanacake · 18/05/2026 10:49

Call the police to remove him if he kicks up a fuss when you ask, no tell him to leave, if his name isn't on the mortgage he has no rights to live there.

AngelaBB · 18/05/2026 10:49

No. I would never, ever get married again.

OP posts:
Stripes84 · 18/05/2026 10:51

Agree with all of the above. Although people have said to get him out, do you think you could do this easily? You havent mentioned whether he is aggressive or anything, but I would agree with what the other posters have said in seeking support from your children. Can you get your house valued and put on the market? Do you have anywhere to stay outside of the home? In terms of immediate next steps I would look to be telling your children, and getting the house valued. You will get through this, just start with small steps. There are also charities which can help with the debts. Do you know how much it is? If you dont then there are places that can help work out the priority debts and to set up payment plans etc for the others. They can sometimes negotiate on your behalf.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2026 10:56

AngelaBB · 18/05/2026 10:45

Both.

OK. Get him out of the house, speak to your family, speak to someone about your own debt.

Don't feel any responsibility for him or his.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 18/05/2026 11:00

Then kick him out. You can do it by text.

Hi Cocklodger, I need to be clear that this relationship is over and I’m no longer comfortable with you living at my house. I need you to make arrangements to move out and collect your things by [day/date].

Therealjudgejudy · 18/05/2026 11:03

Kick his using ass out of YOUR house! Today....

summitfever · 18/05/2026 11:11

You’re going to need to pay your share of the debt whether he’s with you or not. It’ll be easier if not since he’s not draining you dry financially (and mentally) You will have a local financial inclusion team that will be able to help you sort this out and get back on track. The sooner you get rid, the happier you’ll be. We can’t see the wood from the trees in this situation, from my pov, this couldn’t be clearer. Tell him to get out of your home today, absolute piss taker that he is

GuelderRoses · 18/05/2026 11:32

As other say, ask your children to help in getting him out of your home, and change the locks. You may well find that you could go to the police about his financial abuse and coercive control of you. You're in debt because he made you do these things, and once it has been reported, you can advise the lender that the police are investigating.

Please seek some professional advice about this.

Wamid · 18/05/2026 15:58

If he doesn't/never has contributed financially to the home then you can probably get rid of him quickly. He is only an unwanted visitor. Contact your family to get some help, backup and reassurance.

Tell the Police what he is doing and that he has stolen from you. Has he defrauded you or used your bank card without permission? If so, contact your bank immediately for help.

something2say · 18/05/2026 16:04

Yes all the above advice is right, split up safely and take it from there.

By summer you could...
Have lovely long peaceful evenings in your own home, safe and sound
Have a handle on your financial situation
Get help and advice for your situation
Be feeling a LOT better

Get help for the split, you don't have to go through that alone. Then you are free.

Good luck x He sounds like a really bad smell and you have rightly had enough.

childrenaremyworld · 18/05/2026 16:45

Please ask your children for help, it sounds like they will support you and will be relieved when he goes. You can’t live like this. Luckily you’re not married so he has no rights to live in your house. If you have proof of any abuse and financial abuse get in touch with the police. You can do this, be strong with your children’s help a happy and peaceful life awaits you xx

professionalcommentreader · 18/05/2026 17:45

Is he the same age? He sounds a disrespectful arse. How much debt are you talking, he needs to go. You deserve peace of mind.

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