Perspective needed - postpartum and MIL cancer diagnosis

[JustLetMeHave]

My DH comes from a dysfunctional family. Recovering alcoholic DF and emotionally enmeshed with his controlling DM who used him as an emotional crutch as a young teen. As a result he struggles with being vulnerable emotionally or even talking about anything on a deeper level. We've struggled with this on and off in our relationship but in the last 5 years I had thought we were doing pretty well.

MIL and I do have a bit of history, she has made completely unreasonable parenting demands of me in the past. I have since grown a spine but even now I get the odd PA comment, and there is a constant sense of being judged in her company. I try to grin and bear it to get it over and done with.

We've been married nearly 10 years and have 3 kids, 6, 2 and 6 months.
His DM got a diagnosis of an aggressive cancer when I was nearly due with our 3rd baby. It, rather understandably took over the entire birth and postpartum period.

I feel like I went above and beyond trying to support him emotionally, while vulnerable post partum myself. I took the DC round there on her good days to let her have contact with them, hosted her here for the day when she has been well enough. Every other Sunday we get together at one of her sons houses as a wider family to make memories - I have hosted myself several times despite breastfeeding a tiny baby. I've facilitated DH spending extra time with her even though it has meant wrangling the kids by myself, or looking after poorly DC while he goes to one of his family meals.

Our 10 Year anniversary is coming up and I was doing some introspection on where we were as a couple. I asked him if we could have a chat once the kids were in bed and this is where it went to shit. He immediately went on the defensive and asked what it was about. I told him it was about our relationship and where we are, smoothing out some wrinkles and working together. He demanded to know there and then what specific incidents I was talking about and what I wanted doing about them, basically having the conversation and shutting it down right there and then.

I didn't think it would provoke such a strong reaction in him and went off, upset. I sent him a message later that day as it seems to be the only way of not being interrupted and derailed. Its been a week now, and there's been nothing from him. No response, no emotion, no conversation beyond the mundane. It seems that we haven't got a few wrinkles to sort out but a giant fucking pothole that I didn't even realise existed.

I feel a bit heartbroken that he hasn't cared enough to bother even responding, but also like I can't trust myself right now as I'm so sleep deprived doing all the night feeds by myself and my hormones seem to be trying to revert back to normal. I now feel like I've been taken advantage of at a vulnerable time in my life, I've struggled with my feelings towards MIL for years, but that the cancer diagnosis becomes a free hit for everything and takes priority over everything.

Where do I go from here? Do I recognise he is going through a really tough time and just brush it under the carpet, or do I also count as being worthy of some reciprocal emotional labour on his end? Am I just being hormonal as my body tries to return to periods, and making a mountain out of a molehill? And how do I protect myself emotionally?

It just hurts so much. If I had the same outlook on emotional support as he does, he'd be processing his mums diagnosis alone.

Oh ues, it's up to him what he does.

He can host. I was suggesting the OP takes herself out of the equation not that her MiL is banned from the house!

I know very few people who would be able to have big deep conversations about where life is going/what our relationship is like when a parent is dying of cancer.
It’s a shame that it’s coincided with a time you would have rather had happy family time but I am sure MIL didn’t plan that.
Your role now is to do as you are doing. Keep things going.

I don’t understand why you are requesting an appointment to have a chat. The man is clearly a master at avoidance and deflection.

I would just start the conversation you want to have with him. It’s tragic he is losing his mum that he is from what you say unhealthily dependent on, but you are post partum and you do need some space and for him to not opt out of being your partner at this time.

I don’t think you have a big pothole in the relationship. I think that the road of life has big potholes in it right now.

You both have a lot on your plate and maybe a conversation that analyses a relationship and how you as a couple could do better is too much right now.

I would make a list of the actions you need, keep it simple and straight-forward with the reason why.

example

• I can’t do anymore hosting unless we divide up the hosting work differently. I am happy to cook and care for the children, but you need to then entertain the guests and do the clean up afterwards. I am too sleep deprived and exhausted to do more than this.

• One Sunday a month, can you take the two older children to the family get together while I stay at home? Baby and I really need the extra rest.

He has been raised to tackle life with practicality and to gift practical gifts, he is in no mental state with his mum dying of cancer to learn how to think about emotions and relationship dynamics. He is avoidant and seems overly sensitive to criticism. So I’d take a practical approach for now. Sprinkle in comments on things he does do well. It always helps a conversation if it includes you do this good with the what I need from you is x.

In all honesty if his mother is at risk of dying from cancer in the next few months this probably wasn’t the time to try to have a state of the nation sort of meeting with him.

my dad’s final year was very difficult and I’d have really struggled with this,

however that does not mean you should be doing more in terms of cooking etc etc especially with a baby,

fine to have the family round - he cooks and washes up or you get takeout,

So many of your posts remind me of my first marriage. ExH had a huge family, and they would descend on us for up to 5 days at a time (12 people!) I would do ALL the prep, ALL the entertaining and ALL the clearing up. And all the washing of sheets and towels etc when they left. I remember one of the last times, I complained to ExH that I'd done everything and was exhausted, and he gave me a slow clap. Tbf your DH sounds better than mine was, as he didn't help at all. But it does also sound like he isn't pulling his weight.

When I left ExH (unrelated reasons) the realisation that I wouldn't have to entertain his families visits was immense.

I would definitely suspend the hosting until your youngest is older - it's just too much.

Regards the enmeshment, honestly, it sounds like your MIL is on the way out, so I just don't think it's worth trying to change anything now. In fact, I think it would backfire on you when she does pass. "You stopped me spending time with my dying mother". My own Mum had stage 4 cancer, and passed 6 weeks after it was found. I'd just concentrate on the kids for now, and in a few months this will all look very different.

OP sorry but you sound very intense and not really like you're reading the room.

Stripping out all the extraneous detail, his mum with whom he has a complex relationship may be about to die. And he has a new baby.

That is not a good time to start approaching someone with "let's talk about where we are as a couple" and "smooth out wrinkles". Which frankly sounds like a PA version of "I'm annoyed with you but not going to have a grown up discussion about it".

Of course he wants to spend time with his mum. Why does that mean you hosting giant meals with homecooked food? Just say to DH you want him to see her but cannot put so much effort into hosting, so how can it be made to work?

And do not start conversations about your relationship dynamics when you are both knackered and he is probably grieving.

Thank you, lovely ladies in my phone.

I shall continue to nod and grit my teeth smile while making my life easier practically.

It would just be nice, just sometimes if someone asked how I was. Not my MIL, not the family, just me. Its such a hard stage of life without all the extra crap on top.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff fair enough. I am autistic and that is generally something that autistic people struggle with. Hence me not trusting myself and asking here for perspective.

Homecooked is just what we've always done in the past. Which isn't so much of a problem as dealing with the aftermath.

I definitely agree with the less is more. If there is another family gathering at yours either get your DH or outsource as much as possible to take the pressure off you. Good for easy meals if you have to cook with as little prep as possible. It may not be your ideal but I doubt it’s what they will remember.

I do get it’s really difficult. I would say more but am hoping medical science has more magic than when my dad was going through it but from what I’ve read it’s still not there for that one yet.

@Pericombobulations yes 5 year survival rates are between 3 and 10%, I'm not sure if that statistic is for initial diagnosis or for how advanced the cancer becomes. Either way they're crap chances.

I've sent him an apology so we'll see what happens

Sadly yes, and even sadder that that is the life span from diagnosis. Its probably the worst cancer to be diagnosed with. Most go within a few weeks of being diagnosed, but for them to do a whipple means they believe she does have a chance, which dad's surgeon said they do in so few cases, and I really hope for your family she does. It definitely helped dad to get some more years to see his grandchildren get bigger.

Its difficult for you all, yes he should be trying to make your life at this time easier but he is struggling with his mum's diagnosis.

You both need to figure out what works for you both at this time rather than what has worked in the past and hopefully will again in the future. You are recovering from pregnancy and birth, his head will not be focused on that 100%. But he will be swirling with what if's thoughts and may need reminding of his growing family as well his mum.

I don't think it's a good time. Even if he did engage, how worthwhile a conversation would it really be? I doubt he will be in the best headstate to consider things from a normal calm perspective.