Partner has stopped initiating

[BeEagerTurtle]

Hi - Just to preface this, I’m male and mid-50’s.

i came out of a long sexless relationship early last year that finished as just housemates.

Last last year i meet someone my age - who had also come out of a long as sexless relationship- we get along very well and everything has been going great- we stay at each other’s houses- I’ve met her children- we have been away together - have days out etc

her sex drive has probably been stronger than mine until about a month ago- when she just stopped initiating sex, I’m okay with this as sex is not everything- but I’m quite aware of not sliding back into sexless relationship again

I’ve not mentioned this yet- when we first met she talked about her marriage being sexless and how unhappy and lonely it made her - so this seems like a strange thing to happen & I’m not really sure how to handle it or broach the situation - any insight would be greatly appreciated - I don’t think she is trying to sabotage the situation but I’m a bit confused about it

Have you initiated sex ? Or is she the one who always does and therefore you are waiting? Maybe she wants to feel wanted by you initiating…

As pp, are you initiating intimacy? What has changed in that month? Are you stills arranging dates? are you still making an effort?

could be menopause loss of libido very common

Thank you for the response
upto to recently it’s kinda been neither and both of us at the same time- we live about 30 miles apart and both work full time so it’s been kind of expected when we stay together, but maybe she has initiated a bit more as I don’t want to seem pushy

Thanks for the response
yes - if I still initiate and she is very positive in response, yes we still date and are currently arranging a long weekend away - but if I don’t initiate then nothing happens ( which I’m fine with) but as I alluded to she said her previous relationship was sexless so this seems to be a strange event

She is post menopausal and told me that it has been a few years since

Maybe she was really keen at the start but needs more variety now that you're used to each other. Maybe it's never been that great; she put it down to beginner nerves at the start but now realises it's never going to get better. Maybe she just had an early rush of lust hormones but what you're seeing now is actually her normal. Maybe something has changed physically for her. Maybe she's going off you altogether.

TLDR: who knows - could be anything really, you need to talk to her. 'I've noticed that..... and I wonder if we could talk about it some more so I can better understand."

Just because you’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean guaranteed sex whenever you want it.

I would imagine she’s actually feeling quite pressured tbh as your only concern seems to be about your opportunity for sex to be a risk - I can tell you that this attitude has the effect of totally turning women off sex and as though they have to be raring to go whenever you want.

Thanks for the reply
if anything the opposite is true- when we 1st met she expressed that the physical side of a relationship was just as important to her - if anything I used to feel pressured sometimes

It’s a change. So you could ask her about it. Not in bed, but just say that you’ve noticed she’s not initiating and how is she feeling? A real open question, don’t assume anything at this stage.

My dp went through 4 years of a sexless relationship and if I’m honest I do keep an eye on making sure we’re having sex quite frequently, as I never want him to feel that way again.

Thanks you for the reply
well - I thought things were okay- but as you say- maybe she is bored with me now
will try the “ I’ve noticed approach”. - thank you

Thanks

she was 7 years sexless at the end of her marriage and 3 years separated, so almost a decade and , as you say, it’s something that needs an eye on - I don’t either of us falling back to that point again

Being in a sexless relationship, as you know, knocks your confidence.

It's a fine balance in a relationship afterwards between not being pushy and not letting the other person feel it's their responsibility to initiate.

It's easy for either person to end up wondering whats changed, what's gone wrong, when actually it could just be that she decided to fake it till she made it (in terms of sexual confidence) but a lack of reciprocity in initiating took her back to the old days of sexlessness and dented her confidence in doing so again.

I'd agree with the 'I've noticed... approach and see what happens.

Instead of going right to the sex part, have a "state of the union" talk. Ask her what she enjoys most in your relationship, as well as if there are some areas she believes needs improvement. If she's not happy for whatever reason, that's what could be impacting her desire for intimacy.

So when you want sex, she is willing. So not a sexless relationship. You just need to put the effort in.

I’ve been her and tbh it gets a bit depressing being the one initiating when your male partner can take it or leave it. She’ll be aware that she’s been more keen than you and it’s probably knocked her confidence so she’s stepping back to see how you manage things.

FWIW my (now ex) DP has been so much keener since we split up and started to hang out “just as friends” and he’s now regretting not being more forthcoming with the passion, as he knows it’s part of the reason we split. He’s clearly quite capable of making the moves, but he always left it to me and then made me feel awkward or like I was being some kind of sex pest, or initiating at the wrong times, so I stopped being the one to initiate.

If you like her and fancy her, stop worrying about being ‘pushy’. If you’re paying attention you can tell if she’s into it and wants things to go further when you have a passionate kiss, so you holding back will just come across as not being into her. That’s not to say just push ahead, but it’s a dance where you both have to take responsibility for getting the other one in the mood, so step up, make her feel wanted and sexy, or let her go and she can find someone who will.

Thanks for the candid advice
I had better get busy!