Struggling after boyfriend shared traumatic past and my awkward reaction

[Auralianna]

My boyfriend opened up about some things at the weekend which shocked me, and I also think that I reacted poorly and I feel embarrassed.

A while ago I had shared some details on my past and family life with had really shaped me, and he had been really understanding, didn’t ask any questions and just said that he understood which was very comforting because I didn’t feel like a freak.

A few days ago during dinner he said that he had to tell me something too and continued to talk about his own family and about some things that happened and it really upset me because it was horrible, and it also included terrible things that he had done himself. I told him a few times that this was really traumatic but he brushed it off and said that he didn’t think so and it’s just life.

I felt really awkward and I think I behaved really badly hearing this, also because I had to go home and I somehow couldn’t wait to leave and I’m still not sure how to really engage with him which makes me feel like shit. He messaged me today and I have replied but I am feeling awkward about us right now and I kind of bowed out of the conversation.

I know that I’m being horrible and I feel ashamed, but I somehow don’t know how to process this.
I don’t even know what I am asking for here

Well hearing about some awful things someone has done (him) is really not the same as hearing about someone’s traumatic experience, so don’t feel bad about reacting differently. What did he tell you?

You don't have to be ashamed at reacting negatively if someone tells you they've done 'terrible things'.

Do those things make you feel differently about him OP, because that's fine too. You need to listen to your heart, head and reaction to this. Perhaps talk to someone you trust about it and then plan what to do next in YOUR own best interests.

It's hard to comment as we don't know what he told you (and I am NOT suggesting you share this, unless you want to).

But if he disclosed appalling things he did, that you feel he should be held responsible for, then of course you are entitled to change your view of him.

So sorry this has happened.

Thank you.
I don’t want to share what example he told me because I think it would be a breach of trust. It was something violent and I totally understand that his upbringing led to it. What shocked me and what I struggled to get over is his indifference and insistence that he didn’t regret it and that said person deserved what happened to them and that he’d do the same if he got the chance to revisit the situation.
Id never judge someone for how they feel about something traumatic but I feel so uneasy knowing that someone close to me is comfortable at being violent, and it made me wonder what else he might have done.

I’ve been slow to reply and a bit disengaged since and I think he had noticed but he hadn’t commented. I have no idea how to even address this because he didn’t seem to think that it was a big deal.

Hmmm I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was open about a violent past. I’d run personally.

That’s different and I’d be doing a Claire’s Law request to be completely honest…

I had the worst kind of upbringing possible, I would run a mile from this.

And to casually drop this over dinner is bizarre to say the least.

I think you are right to be concerned about his indifference regarding an act of violence that he didn't regret and would in fact repeat. If its made you feel uneasy and has changed the way you see him then you have every right to end the relationship.

The only violent situation I could imagine someone being indifferent to, is if that specific person had abused them. I’m not saying this is okay but I could possibly understand why they say they wouldn’t change what they did and that their anger was solely for this person. Even if it was for this reason, I’m still not sure I’d stick around to find out if violence is or isn’t actually part of their general nature.

I think you need to listen to your gut around this. A Claire's law request is a good suggestion. The very fact he's shown indifference to his violent behaviour is a massive red flag. I'd like to think I would be backing away as quietly as poss, but hoping others will have good suggestions as to how to get out of this as smoothly as you can.

I think without saying if your partner was defending himself or it was due to his age? How old was he at the time of this "violence"?.

he didn’t regret it and that said person deserved what happened to them and that he’d do the same if he got the chance to revisit the situation.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Unless we are talking about an instance of genuine self-defence, he's telling you that he's OK using violence. Is it smart for you to continue to date someone like that?

OP here is what I wish someone had told be way before I even had a boyfriend. And that was intuition. Is your intuition trying to let you know that you need to slow things down a bit and think about what he actually told you, because someone who is so placid about a horrible incident, and having perhaps partaken in a horrible incident themselves, yet feel its just normal, to me that is a bit of a red flag that needs attention. I am aware that everyone reacts differently to abuse, or violent incidents, if they happened over time within the family dynamic they get normalised like that. And so you learn not to question it. So my thinking is is he a safe person for you? Someone may disclose something that is so similar to you in order to gain your trust, often used by an unsafe individual, then this will open up a chanel where you may get a false sense of safety from this person, because this happened to them too?

I want you to take time and look over what was being said, and his reactions to these incidents and normalised them, there is a possibility that he may inflict on you abuse becasue he sees no wrong in it, its normal, so I dont think you were ackward at all, your intuition is working correctly here but because you are being told that this is normal, or for him it was, you are doubting your reaction.