Living with husband's long-term depression and worried about the children

[RedFaceThree]

Hi. My husband has depression and can sit in a room all day without speaking to my children or me, often crying. He can be intense to be around and difficult to approach. He has experienced depression since childhood, now aged 45. I’m starting to struggle to support him as it absolutely drains me of energy. I am so worried about the impact it could have on our children aged 8, 9 and 11. School are aware and supportive. Mental health services let him down repeatedly and he’s just not willing to try anything different like support groups. If im honest, I’m not sure how I feel about him anymore. I’m financially unable to leave him and just don’t know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

I could have almost written this word for word about my own childhood and the long lasting effects. The tiptoeing, the people pleasing, the low self esteem, its all horribly familiar. It did so much damage to me and my siblings, we're still unpicking it now, many decades later. I think my mum convinced herself we were coping ok because we were all 'good' kids, never getting in trouble, doing well at school, being helpful and polite; but the truth is I've realised with time that even at a young age we were all people pleasing, desperately trying not to add to her burden, minimising our own needs, and had subconsciously absorbed the fact that emotionally we weren't the priority. I'm sure my mum would have been devastated that we felt like that, but when a household become arranged around a single person's mood on any given day that's what you absorb as a child, and there's not really the room for you to have a bad day.
It might not be what you want to hear OP, but I was desperate for them to separate, and as an adult I had to unpick my anger that my mum couldn't prioritise us when we were children, but chose to keep us in that environment. Like you, my mum really focused on us having fun when my dad was off sulking in a mood- I think my mum felt this meant she was juggling both his needs and ours, but as a child it felt like emotional whiplash- we were SO aware of what was going on (even though of course we wouldn't say anything) and I actually found it quite traumatising; thinking about it now, decades later still upsets me. My mum also felt guilty that my dad had nowhere to go, he was isolated, etc; but even as a child I instinctively knew he had more autonomy as an adult than we did as kids who didn't get a say in the matter- even an adult who was battling depression after an injury, much like your situation OP. As I've heard said since, it may not have been his fault, but it was his responsibility. By fretting about where he'd go, the fact he doesn't have any friends or family to rely on, etc you are taking on responsibility that can't truly belong to you, and it gives him a free pass to continue as he has. Neither him, or more importantly your kids will be well served by you doing this.

I think this is the equivalent of tough love. You've clearly decided to stay with your husband, and that is your choice. People are pointing out that there is another option though.

I'm going to sound even harsher. I'm frankly astonished that you are keeping your children in an environment that means they have to therapy. I'm so sorry to say that because you sound like a lovely person in a shitty situation. But your kids have no agency in this. You have some, albeit very limited. You need to get them out one way or another.

I really do wish you the very best, even though I know i sound harsh.

X

@RedFaceThree Has he tried all types of therapies for severe depression? Like:
Brain stimulation is sometimes recommended by a specialist to treat severe depression that has not responded to other treatments.
Electromagnetic currents can be used to stimulate certain areas of the brain to try to improve the symptoms of depression.
There are a number of different types of brain stimulation that can be used to treat depression.
These include:

• transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS)
• repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS)
• electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
• vagus nerve stimulation (VNS)

Having grown up with a parent like this, you should leave unless he is willing to fully engage with medication and therapy. Your priority needs to be protecting your children and he needs to understand refusing treatment isn’t an option if the family can stay together. If I were you I’d be speaking to his doctor (with him) and have a conversation with their crisis team - he absolutely is in crisis and I’d be concerned about his safety.

Based on your replies so far I really think you’re underestimating how harmful this is for your children. Listen to the stories we are sharing with you, it isn’t for our own benefit.

What words??

Youve had some excellent advice OP. I think the question now is what are you going to do about this? It's going to be painful but this really is a dreadful situation for your poor kids. And for you!

How has he been let down by mental health services when he actually refuses to engage?
Stop making excuses for a grown man who sits in a room crying all day in front of his own children and refuses to accept help.
Of course it’s damaging them.

It's a pure fantasy to imagine that your children have a lovely life, when they live in this situation OP. No one is being unkind to you. I'm sure you work incredibly hard to give them happy times, but you cannot possibly compensate for this. One of their parents ignores them, cries all the time, has a pure victim mentality and refuses to engage with any help at all. People who have grown up in a similar environment are telling you how damaging and toxic this is.

@RedFaceThree just wanted to add; I live with depression since I was in my 20s. I have been on ssris ever since. It goes up and down so sometimes I need to up my dose. My children have not suffered from this. All they know is that I sometimes get very tired and need a nap. I take responsability for my illness and it's treatment. If I stopped it I would def just be lying down crying 24/7/ be dead by now but thank god we do have effective treatments that do work. But if you don't want to get better even for your own children you are just selfish.

You say that he has always been depressed? Didn't you hesitate having kids with him? My dad fell into a depression after my parents divorced and was suicidal. At 11 I went to his flat straight after school to clean, cook and make sure he was aldright. I have felt like a parent to him all my life and I think that's part of what made me have a breakdown in my twenties. I just couldn't handle anything anymore. Your children will feel responsable for their dad. It's very hard to carry. Either he should commit to see a crisis team or he should move out. You need to protect your children.

@PleasePleaseYou
Your post is brilliant and, for me, this line jumped out and resonated:

...but when a household becomes arranged around a single person's mood on any given day that's what you absorb as a child, and there's not really the room for you to have a bad day.

It sounds like the effects of brain injury. Mental health teams are crap with brain injuries, they rarely understand that treatment is different for those with BI rather than just pure mental ill health. Often their go to medications are contraindicated for BIs.

Has he seen a neuropsychiatrist?

It’s really sad op that you haven’t come back.

Another child of a depressed mother here, and you are right to be very worried about your children and the effect this will have on them.

Im not saying it will mess up their lives forever, but it will affect them in negative ways that will never leave them, it will negatively affect their relationship with their father and possibly with you too.

You have been dealt a poor hand, but it's down to you to deal with it I'm afraid. You need to fight for better care for your DH and you need to make him cooperate and follow the treatment.

I know that's not easy, but that's what you need to do to get this sorted.

Can your GP surgery help? Do you have contacts from clinics or treatment centres where he has received care before? You have to get on to them and nag, and nag and nag. Do you have friends or family who can help you with moral support? Look online for caters groups, people who have been through this will have a lot of valuable advice and shortcuts

There is no quick easy solution waiting around the corner, you will have to roll up your sleeves and sort it, however helpless and drained you feel.

She is right though. And didn't use any gratuitous "words". Certainly nothing to justify another thread complaining about this one. I'm afraid your children will definitely already be affected by this. They're not stupid or very young. They will, definitely, be negatively affected by their father sitting in the room crying all day. I'm really sorry that's your life but denial won't serve you

"I am so worried about the impact it could have on our children". You should be worried about the impact it is already having and has had for their whole lives. I hope things improve.

You need to remove your head from the sand and start prioritising those kids which does mean leaving this man.

I would agree that the kids need to be prioritised as they will be picking up everything that is going on and walking on eggshells.

You need an exit strategy but at the same time you can go through the motions of having therapy with him and tbh I would focus on things he hasn’t tried. Maybe exercise to help and something like this - after speaking with a doctor

https://nurosym.com/en-gb/pages/prsc-v2?tw_source=google&tw_adid=&tw_campaign=23616664263&tw_kwdid=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23616666843&gbraid=0AAAAACMaNB5eGksMRKKGir1pvKrM99RHS&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIk9iI-dTDlAMVTqRQBh14rhl2EAAYASAAEgIDe_D_BwE

If he wants to put his kids first then maybe establishing some sort of routine including time outside, maybe even some sort of work or volunteering and housework. He must know the effect he is having on the dc

What worked well for him 12, 10 and 9 years ago? He's obviously had periods he hasn't been so incapacitated by it.

Maybe ending the relationship would be the kick up the ass he needs. Might give him a bit of motivation to get better.
Hes had 15 years to sit in a dark room and cry. It hasn’t helped him clearly.
Sounds harsh but your kids shouldn’t have to live with misery. It WILL affect them.
How would you feel if they ended up with someone like him?

She's gone to Chat to complain she's received unsupportive and nasty comments.

Personally I don't see them, I see straight talking and unpalatable truths.

Edited to add: I appreciate she's at the end of her tether mentally because of the situation, but I think posters here realise that too.