Partner's ex still everywhere

[Orcsies]

Partner split from his ex well over a year ago; they had been together for around 9 years. She moved out of the area to a nearby town. We got together a few months after they split and so have been together for a year. It's a relationship as close to perfect as can be.

However, the ex is still everywhere and seemlingly doing what she can to stay in his life. We had 5 months of her still moving out her belongings. There was always another reason for her to text him about another item she'd left behind - inconsequential and easily replaceable things like a kitchen knife or a print of some artwork you can buy in every other shop. He'd already handed her more than her fair share of items and money to start over, but that's another story. He eventually blocked her number after setting a deadline for collection of anything else she wanted.

Then she began contacting his family over similar things - they blocked her.

Then she volunteered at an event she had previously shown no interest in, but knew he'd be there as a volunteer also. He had to cancel his shifts after learning she'd be there. Mutual friends who are also involved say she behaved appallingly, kept trying to contact him about why he wasn't there, and then fell out with the lot.

Then she had a family death and contacted my partner about that. He ignored it. She posted about the incident publicly shortly after - despite not posting anything else publicly, ever.

She still uses the pharmacy in the nearby shop. She moved back into the town we live in, but far enough out to have no reason to use this shop as there are many more such pharmacies near her place. She still hangs out in the nearby park, for hours at a time, from what neighbours tell us.

From what my partner told me, she did similar to her previous partner - constantly walking past his house and turning up in places he was going to be.

Now we had a call from the hospital, where she has given my partner as her next of kin to call. She has had the opportunity to change this for over a year, and we know she attended the hospital a few months back, so would have been asked for contact details then. He refused to attend, and asked them to delete him off the system. He gave them another number to call instead. We have since found out that the incident wasn't serious enough that she wouldn't have been asked about contact for next of kin.

The thing is, we can't get anything done over harassment, because it isn't outright. No one can tell her not to use the shop, or volunteer, or hang out near the house, because it all seems innocent enough. He, however, feels uneasy about just leaving his house. It's affecting his quality of life. We will move areas as soon as we can, but buying a new house is a long process.

What can we do in the meantime? Has anyone ever dealt with a situation where they weren't outright harassed, but just enough to affect their freedom?

That sounds difficult for all involved.

I’m curious that your DP understood she behaved similarly with her previous ex. How did he come to find out about this? Did she share it with him? Did she have any reasoning as to her behaviour?

Who instigated the ending of their relationship?

She took him on walks past her ex's house repeatedly. She justified it with reasons which sounded innocent enough, but he told her it made him uncomfortable. She'd then disappear on her own for hours.
She has a police record for behaviours which support this, too.

My partner ended it after the relationship had turned sour beyond repair.

To be fair, you took a risk getting with a man a few months after he’d been a 9 year relationship. That was never going to go well.

It’s just, for an unexpected reason it seems.

What do you mean you are buying a house with a man you’ve only known a year though?

Put the breaks on. His ex isn’t the only one being intense.
There’s something not right with you guys either. Whether it’s him or you I don’t know but I’d be googling things like love bombing because it seems a bit full on for a year long relationship.

I mean no way would I have tolerated his ex hanging around for 5 months. Why did you think to stay with him through that nonsense?

Because sure, maybe she’s nuts. Or maybe he drove her nuts. Did you actually hear her ex say she stalked him? Or is this just what this man whom you’ve known all of five minutes is telling you?

Either way, slow down. This is a new relationship and it sounds like far too much drama already. And now you’re talking about buying a house with the guy. Just, be very careful op. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s another side to this you don’t know about.

All that aside, you could talk to a solicitor perhaps about writing a warning letter to her?

Yes, of the risk I was aware. However, you'd expect most people to be reasonable and move on after a few months.

There are enough people witness to what she was like and she has fallen out with almost all of them. Unfortunately, addiction played a role in her behaviour, and likely still does.

Would a warning letter work? The issue we have is that everything can be explained by simple oversight, habit or coincidence. It's the accumulation of incidents that makes us suspect it is not.

I honestly wouldn't do a solicitors letter yet. As you say, it isn't outright harassment and she could easily explain a lot of it away. I would ignore for now, don't engage at all as any sign that she is upsetting you or your partner will just fuel the behaviour. Of course, if you see her hanging around your home or his, then I would speak to 101 and log each incident. Get a ring doorbell too so you have evidence if she approaches your homes.

Even just ignoring her, it seems to be ramping up lately. But I suppose we have no choice unless there's concrete evidence she is doing this on purpose?

We suspect it will get a lot worse if she gets wind that the house is being sold. She did have a period of increasing her attempts at contact when she found out about me.

Start keeping a log of any and all encounters and sent her a legal letter asking her to stop. Stalking us a serious crime and if she already has a history then there is no reason your partner shouldn't be taken seriously. You could always email or call (using their non-emergency line) your local police force for advice.

Are you already living with him? He got out of a nine year relationship just over a year ago and this sounds as though you are living with him and planning on selling (his? your? their?) house and buying together!

How do the five months and the just over a year marry up? Was she out of contact for the first half of the year?

Partner called the police just after the break-up as other things had been going on, which were noteworthy to the police. They said to log it with them if she turned up at his house. But she hasn't done that - she just hangs around the area, which is much harder to log as we'd have to prove she does it to see him. Yes, we will keep a personal log. He hasn't encountered her yet - I did while driving out of the road he lives on, and most reports we get are retired neighbours casually dropping into the coversation that she still hangs around, and how long for (e.g. waiting in the car for so long the windows had steamed up).

Yes, our relationship has moved fast; it's not the first one in history to do so. We don't live together yet, but we are in the process of selling our own houses and buying together. He has far more to lose here than I do.

Edit to add: The five months were the time it took for her to move all her belongings out. But not in the way a reasonable person would do it (as in, leave it, hire a van, move it), but in the way that while the bulk was moved out reasonably quickly, she found reasons to still find another thing to come back for, and then another, then another. The vast majority of the items she'd "forgotten" were jointly owned or of such small value that they could easily have been replaced - like a kitchen knife. She left with a lot of his money to start up elsewhere for items they'd bought together, such as half the money to cover the sofa they'd bought, so it wasn't like she had nothing. As time went on, it sounded more and more like an excuse to enter his house again.

There are stalking helplines which could give some advice and help you to work out what is crossing the line and what to do about it.

National Stalking Helpline

I would definitely keep reporting. Hopefully a knock on the door from the police would stop the behaviour. Your dp feels like he is being tracked and that should be enough for the police to take it seriously.

Nothing wrong with a fast moving relationship but omg op don't buy a house with someone you've only known a year. Yikes.

Why not just look to rent together first, somewhere new, for 6 months? That way you can get a new place ASAP too without waiting about and can live together and see that he contributes to the bills and rent and housework etc... I mean I'm assuming you already live together but there's no harm giving it longer as a testing window.

Not saying there's any abuse or anything but often IF they are that way, then when they feel you are trapped eg, by a contract or whatever it might be, is when they fully let the mask drop. That's why we shouldn't rush relationships to marriage, babies or house buying together or things like sharing bank accounts.

Not because he is one of those sort. But because enough of them are that we shouldn't take unnecessary risks.

Anyway, Sending a solicitor warning letter might be useful as you can then show the police you've already had to ask her to back off, if she does for example, show up at the home. But tbf having already reported her to the police that'll be on record anyway. So maybe just focus on moving away for now asap.

My relationship is not the centre of this conversation, but it's not feasible to rent in the current climate. We both own, so would simply end up losing money to tax/ rent/ inflation. Renting out a house under current legislation is not worth it, so we couldn't even keep our own. So buy one it is.

There are no worries regarding finances or household chores. We practically live together, just with a hefty distance to drive to and from and 2 houses which are, at this point, an unnecessary burden. We both help out, and have done so since day 1, and we both contribute equally financially. Like I said, it's as close to perfect as relationships can get without being over the top.

Back on topic: For a solicitor warning, would we need an exact address? We know the area of town she lives in, but not exactly where.

I don’t why people are commenting on your relationship and plans.

Speak to the stalking helpline posted above or Suzy Lampugh trust they can guide you on what steps to take.

Were they married/ have children, I'm gathering not.

Is the house solely in his name.

How many years do you suggest before people move in together? It's hardly a month and they're not married, so if it failed they would walk away with what they put in. At no point in OPs posts does it sound like she's going to be controlled or he is abusive.

Drove her nuts? Well, she should be celebrating she doesn't need to have anything to do with him any more, not asking for ridiculous things like a kitchen knife or getting the hospital to call him.

Any excuse to blame a man, it makes me worry for my lovely sons. If the roles were reversed would you be saying the woman made him crazy and that's why he's a stalker a year down the line? Doubt it.

Oh Stop. Being careful becuase there are bad men out there does not mean I don't like men.

Before BUYING a house together? If you want to be as careful as possible - three or four years. At least. Same for marriage or kids with a person.
That’s a sensible time period. Slightly less is understandable, not wise, but understandable.

How would you know she won’t be controlled or he isn’t abusive? No one knows shit about someone they’ve only known a year. Heck, it could even be the other way around. I would say exactly the same thing to a man rushing into living with a woman. What’s the hurry? Are they rushing you? How easily can you move out somewhere else if it goes tits up? Houses don’t just sell easily IF it turned bad.

And whilst it sounds like in this case, his ex is crazy, it is very common for men to be keeping in touch with their exs, stoke the flames and tell the new women she is just a mad stalker. Thus allowing them to discredit any contact from the other woman. Recognising this common occurrence doesn’t mean I don’t like men.

Instead of worrying about “oooh nasty mean women protecting themselves against men, the horror” maybe raise your sons not to be the crappy ones that we have to protect ourselves from.

“Any excuse to blame a man?” Lol Have you looked at the violent crime statistics lately? Or the rape stats? It’s not any excuse, it’s simply facts - 97% of the time, it IS a man. Unfortunate facts, but thems the breaks.

If we don’t need to take chances, we shouldn’t take them.
Noticing patterns and being careful does not make a person sexist.

My sons aren't 'crappy' and there's nothing to suggest the OPs partner is either. My point being if one of my sons were being stalked people like you would assume they've caused it. How does that work? Ive had an abusive ex and believe me, I didn't want a single thing to keep in contact.

Of course I don't know what he/ they are like and neither do you. Now you're bringing rape statistics into it?! What has that got to do with this thread?

And I have daughters also who've been raised to know how they should be treated.

Id see marrying after a year maybe a bit quick because you're financially linked and they have the power over medical things etc and need to go through a lengthy process to divorce (if anyone is being difficult). Rental prices are absolutely ridiculous so they may as well be throwing their money away. If it doesn't work out they'll sell their house and take what they had because they don't have the same legal issues a married couple would face.

A post about a woman stalking a man and it turns into talking about how men rape women. Jesus Christ.

It's none of anyone's business when OP chooses to buy a house with her partner. The question is about how to stop his clearly unhinged ex from stalking them.

Fwiw I married my DH within 2 years of meeting him and we're very happy 9 years later. When you know, you know.

Well what do your sons have to to do with the thread? Who said they were crappy?

Where did I say rape statistics were relevant to the thread? They are relevant to YOUR last reply to me where you acted as though a woman being careful implies that she thinks all men are bad. Highlighting that enough of them are bad that we should take precautions regardless of how safe a man may seem in the early stages, is perfectly valid.

But if you’re going to twist it then frankly I’m done responding to you.

Wow okay, I have just had time to come back to this thread. What we will do with our future is not up for debate here, so while the warning is heard and appreciated, my relationship does not need to be discussed further.

@LongShortDog No, they were neither married, nor children. The house is his own and always has been; she paid the grocery bills and not much else, especially after she lost her job and was on and off unemployed for years.

My partner's level of discomfort actually seems to be getting worse each day. He worries about keeping the curtains open, worries about stepping out of the house, had some terrible flashbacks yesterday.

Police need something more concrete. She seems to know just how far to go.

We will both be volunteering at the event this year. She won't be working with us (they wouldn't allow her to after last year), but there is a good chance she will turn up as a guest. Since it's fully public, there is no way we can prevent her from going, I believe?

Id keep records of incidents and i would make a 101 report. Stalking is taken seriously