Partner disengaged from life

[wateroil]

My (F47)partner (F52) and I have been together 13 years, 5 years into the relationship she lost her mum and sister within months of each other, she emotionally shut down and never really recovered. She had an awful childhood so it was a very complicated bereavement.

She now spends most of her time sleeping, eating, and watching TV, refuses therapy or support, and contributes very little to daily life or the relationship.

We have talked at length over the years about depression, what we can do etc but everytime she suits it down completely. She adamantly refuses counselling in any form. She has no friends or support network. She has put on a lot of weight and I know she feels self conscious but also lacks the confidence to do anything, even a 5 minute walk. We haven’t been intimate in many years.

I love her and don’t want to abandon her, especially because she has no support network and depends on me financially, but I feel increasingly isolated, guilty, and trapped.

We barely communicate without arguing, and I’m starting to fear we’re both just letting our lives pass by without any real change.

As a spouse of someone with complex mental health illnesses, I can say one thing with certainty: you are fully within your right to leave the relationship if they will not make an effort to improve their situation by pursuing either treatment or lifestyle changes. I have seen it all at this point, and the reason I’ve stayed - and the only reason it got better- was because we have an understanding that they must engage with recovery. I absolutely would leave if they refused to engage and continued negative patterns, like your partner is. That is not callous, mental illness is incredibly destructive and draining, it can’t get better on its own. Therapy isn’t for everyone but a structured routine, hobbies and social groups, and medication can make a huge difference. You can’t force her to do those things, she has to want to, however. You need to decide for you what your boundary will be for your own wellbeing and not be afraid to stand by that.

One more thing. You can only live your life for you. You cannot save anyone from themselves, and you can only support someone who actually accepts the support. Ultimately her illness is keeping her stuck but refusing treatment is a choice she’s making. You can make a different choice.

Blimey that's really tough, no advice but sounds like you've been more than understanding. I don't see what else you can do. To be blunt your relationship as such sounds non existent. Do you ever enjoy spending time together? Do you cook together, enjoy meals, enjoy TV shows, play cards?

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I would be thinking of ending the relationship, as you say you're wasting your lives. How sad to be in that situation. I hope you get some good advice and a brighter future for both of you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and to give insight from someone who has experience. I worry because I own the house, she is a freelance and has only sporadic work and because I cover the bills, she doesn’t feel the need to work more therefore does not have a lot of savings so I worry she would at risk of homeless and compound the issues further.

That is however a very fair point about deciding about my own boundary, I will need to have proper think about this.

Why would you stay with someone who is ruining your life? Just leave.

I appreciate the bluntness, it is appreciated to hear an outside viewpoint. Unfortunately we now do not do anything together, it has disintegrated to not even being able to watch tv together as she sleeps all day and night, I suspect she has sleep apnea (will not see anyone about it) so if we watch something, she falls asleep and starts snoring so loudly I can’t hear the tv.

Leaving or making the steps to leave may very well be the wakeup call needed. Handled gently such as:
I love you and at the same time I cannot continue to live like this. I want you out with me and enjoying life. So until you decide to make a change I have to leave for my own mental wellbeing.

My marriage almost breaking down was the wakeup call I needed to make some changes.

I wish I’d been braver and left my partner earlier.
It very hard when there’s no pressing reason, just a feeling that life could be better. My partner was financially dependent on me too and it is difficult to disengage but I had a dream where we were in an ocean and he was pulling me down and I thought that’s it.

Sounds very much like sleep apnea, Jesus she sounds infuriating. She's not helping herself with anything. I wonder if she thinks this is really fair or reasonable. What does she think is in it for you? Does she still love you? It sounds like she's not respecting herself or you.

This should be a great time in your lives of having experiences and fun together.

Sorry I'm not very tactful, I'm banging my head on the wall on your behalf. You sound like a very loving, caring, understanding partner.

“AnonymouseDad · Today 14:36
Leaving or making the steps to leave may very well be the wakeup call needed. Handled gently such as:
I love you and at the same time I cannot continue to live like this. I want you out with me and enjoying life. So until you decide to make a change I have to leave for my own mental wellbeing.
My marriage almost breaking down was the wakeup call I needed to make some changes.”

This seems very sensible to me.

There’s an argument that, by continuing to support her despite her refusal to help herself, you’re actually enabling this awful life of hers where she’s scarcely existing let alone living. As Mumsnet says: “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is her one shot and it’s your one shot. You have a responsibility to make the best of it. You’ve obviously been an incredible support to her but it hasn’t helped her so you need to move on.

I think that may be the unfortunate next steps. We have talked about breaking up several times, but it hasn’t gone further than that. I think what is holding me back is I will have to ask her to leave and know what that could mean. But it is good to have your insight that it could mean a wake up call.

That’s exactly it, you have voiced what I couldn’t put my finger on - there is no pressing reason, just an increasing feeling of there is more to life than this. That is a powerful dream, the subconscious does have a way to speak loudly at times.

That is very fair points. If I reflect on it, her willingness to do anything has subtly and quietly dwindled over the years, not in a dramatic way but slowly ebbed. Each time I may not have noticed it but I have to an extent enabled it.

Fantastic advice . I agree with everything you say .

You say you love her, but how can you believe she loves you when she knows you are unhappy and will not lift a finger to improve?

You're entering the last third of your life. There's still time to create the life you deserve. You have empathy, which is normal. But that can't be at the cost of your own well-being. Since she knows your suggestions haven't led to any major consequences when she's rejected them, in your shoes, as a last ditch effort, I'd tell her that you've booked a therapy appt. for yourself because you're not happy with your life as it is now.

That might scare her into action, and if not, you go to the next step. I don't know if you will owe a period of alimony, or if a house sale will have her getting some money to find small accommodations. If not, it might make you feel better to pay for a room rental for her for a brief period. If she won't work to afford something knowing that period will end, she's an adult and will have to live with those consequences.

Take care.

I appreciate this. You really made me sit up when you said the last third of my life. That is true. I have been to therapy before about 5 years ago and she knows this was talked about as I did say to her in advance. The house is fully owned by me, but that is a good idea about a room rental, though I am 99% sure she will flat out refuse it.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, there is plenty for me to digest and consider.

Be gentle about it. Its ok and possible to love someone and want to be with them. And at the same time not like who they have allowed themselves to become. You still see who they are and can be. They dont.
It may take a big shock to make them realise change is needed.
As it stands it is unfair on you to expect you to just continue on.
I doubt it will be easy to tell he she needs to leave for your own good. And in such a way as she understands change is required.