I want out of my relationship but he doesn’t want that.

[Expectingmam]

I moved out of my partners home 3 weeks ago due to him being unstable, I needed space in the relationship for him to sort himself out and me not cause stress on my body. Now I am constantly being made out to be the bad one because we are ‘distant’ yet that distance had to happen for him to sort things out. I was going to go pick him up yesterday but my car broke I couldn’t drive - he fell asleep and when he woke up 6 hours later I got nothing but abuse that I didn’t come to his after it was fixed. After I’d spent all day sat in my car trying to get mechanics to come out. He turns nasty calling me names and that I’m making excuses sending me and tagging me in constant depressing TikTok’s and videos about ‘female narcissists’. I’m just fed up at this point and don’t want him in my life anymore but feel trapped as he wants a relationship and to be in the child’s life. He’s clearly mentally unstable and can’t deal with this anymore!

That sounds like such a stressful situation - it's great you've bought yourself some space

Fortunately you don't have to have his agreement to leave a relationship. Your reasons for wanting to leave are also very very valid.

His role as a parent is a separate thing. Obviously your child needs to be safe but he can be involved without being in a relationship with you.

You don’t need his permission or approval to leave, he gets no say in what you do in your life.

But say a bit more about “the child”. Are you pregnant? Do you have a child already, and if so is he the father?

Given the OP’s username and her mention of wanting to avoid stress for the sake of her body, I assume she is currently pregnant.

I think you’ve done the right thing, @Expectingmam. You do not have to continue your relationship with this man. But in that case you need to stop offering to provide him with services like lifts (and whatever else).

At this point it’s up your you whether you keep him informed of the progress of your pregnancy - he is not entitled to be a part of it.

Whether he goes on to have regular contact with your child is a more complicated matter for which you may need specific legal advice. But until your baby is born your priority needs to be keeping yourself safe and calm and away from unnecessary pressure and drama.

If you say it's over, then it's over. He cannot compel you to remain in a relationship with him and he's not exactly giving positive reasons for you to stay.

You don't need to have him involved during the pregnancy or birth, or to have his name on the BC if you don't want to. But you may still need to maintain some contact with him in the future for your child. Worry about that after the birth, no need to do so now.

Block and ignore. He's not the boss of you.

Helpful, @loveawineloveacrisp…

Never mind what he wants, if you want out you can choose that. He does not control the narrative here. Abusive relationships never thrive and just end up as a race to the bottom so better you get out now.

I've only said what others have said, just in fewer words!

Block him, don't message him, you've moved out. If he wants child contact he can go through the courts, when us your baby due.

Just finish it for good. Why are you dragging it out like this?

You don't need his permission to end the relationship OP. You need to tell him clearly and firmly that it's over and block him on all channels if he is harassing you. He can apply to the courts for contact when the baby is born. Until then, you need to protect your peace and safety, for yourself and your baby.

Have you made it clear that the relationship is over (not just on hold or continuing while living apart or to be reevaluated at a later time) and that you don't want him to contact you and will not be responding to anything from him? If not, make it clear (and keep the evidence) and stop responding. If he continues/escalates the harassment, you may need legal help.

If you are feeling guilty, don't; you have every right to end a romantic relationship for any or no reason. He has NO right to be in a relationship with you, or anyone. If you have a child together, or will, then he has legal rights there but does not necessarily have to be in direct contact with you to exercise those rights.

It sounds like your ex needs MH help and if he is not even willing to try to get that your ending it almost certainly was/is the only reasonable option. Given that you characterise his treatment of you as "abuse", the relationship has run its course (mitigations like couples therapy aren't an option) and you need to protect yourself and your child first. Ex would be best off getting the help he needs in case he would like the chance at a healthy relationship with someone else in the future, and with his child. But he needs to do that himself, no one else can force or pressure him including you.

I think you posted before, weren't drugs involved? We all said well done for leaving him by moving out but now you need to add emotional distance as well as physical.

Tell him it's over. Tell him not to contact you directly again. And block.

You owe him nothing. Not a sandwich, a lift, or your life. He does not get a choice. If he needs help then surely he has parents, other family, friends, GP, 999, a phone to call MIND or the Samaritans. Taxicabs exist, as do buses and trains. He can go to food banks, Citizens Advice, local council etc for advice. He has options that do not involve you.

He does not need you. He wants to trap and punish you. Block him.

It doesn’t really matter what he wants. If you want to end the relationship, end the relationship. He doesn’t have to agree.

He’s sending you all that narcissist stuff becuase he is one and they like to reverse it on others. I’d bet my ass someone told him what he was in the past so now he uses it against others.

Just text dump him and tell him if he wants to see the kid that can be arranged but you won’t be there. Have your parents drop the child off or his mum collect it or whatever works for you. You don’t owe him time, attention or heartache.

No means no, over means over. Block him on everything apart from one phone and get a new phone for everything else so that you don’t need to check that phone often.

Don’t agree to communicate by phone all or in person. “It’s over. Do not contact me again. Child arrangements can be sorted out via my solicitor\our family”. If he texts any abuse or threats or turns up outside then report him to the police. Don’t reply to anything from him unless it’s about the kid.

He will try to goad you. Don’t respond to his messages straight away if you feel a knee jerk reaction coming on. Instead, put the phone in a drawer for an hour and go decompress.

You're going to have to have strong boundaries with yourself, not just with him.
Be cold. It’s ok to be cold to protect yourself. Don’t try and compromise with him going forwards with anything that doesn’t suit you because his sort take compromise as weakness and they attack weakness.

Pick up a book about how to coparent with a narcissist.