Separating with a toddler and grieving the family I hoped for

[WhatATerribleWeek]

Just posting for a hand hold or some positive words really.

My partner and I are separating - we have an 18 month old DS. I feel absolutely broken and I just never predicted it would end up like this.

Technicaly I ended it, but he didn’t really leave me any choice. Every decision he makes shows how little he is actually interested in our relationship, and it’s getting worse. I deserve so much more than this, but I feel so guilty for my son.

I’m lucky that I’m the breadwinner, we’re not married, and I own our home so financially my DS & I will be fine but all I ever wanted was a happy family.

That’s natural, allow yourself time to grieve.

People assume having 2 parents living together is the best, but that’s not always the case and especially so if that relationship is toxic.

I went through something very similar late last year and am still working things through and adjusting to a new future (I’m not exactly sure what it’ll look like yet or what I want) but my toddler and I will get there.

In a few months you will look back, and see that separation was for the best, especially if you can get the co-parenting part sorted.

it sounds like you have made a great choice Congratulations on making the decision for your future self and your young son. You can now slowly open the door to your new, happier future, as you close the door on the relationship with ex DH. Don’t forget that your son benefits significantly from your positive steps towards being a more fulfilled human, not weighed down with feelings of sadness or upset over a relationship that wasn’t worth having in the end.

Thank you both, appreciate the kind words ❤️

My youngest was 18 months old when my ex and i separated and is now a super resilient 10 year old.
I think you need to allow yourself to grieve- I found is hard (and still do) to see other ‘perfect’ families about but I cannot exaggerate this- I am much, much happier and my children benefit from this.

I have an older child and am now at the back end of the process, all finances and logistics sorted and this has been the most difficult thing. I still have so much grief for the kind of family I wanted. I find it difficult to see other families too. It’s also shaken my faith in relationships in general.

I separated from my husband of 15 years in December - two kids aged 4 and 7. He moved out a month ago. I completely empathise with your statement that all you ever wanted was a happy family 💔 when we were still talking things through emotionally speaking my ex kind of implied well I got the kids I always wanted and I said no - what I always wanted was the whole package, kids and a happy, present father for them, an experience of their infancy in which I felt supported and loved. And I'll never get that now, I gave that part of my life to him. So yes, there is a lot of grief there and with co-parenting at this "fresh" stage it feels like scabs are constantly being pulled back open - every time he lets me down as a coparent it reminds me how much he let me down as a partner.

BUT... my home is already so much lighter and happier, I can enjoy my gorgeous kids without trying to restrain them because they'll trigger him.

These posts have made me tear up (not hard at the moment!)

Especially the bit about it has shaken your faith in relationships… this is part of why I feel so sad. I don’t ever want to try again with anyone, I dont believe it would ever work out and I certainly wouldn’t ever want to put my son through getting attached to someone, only for it to not work out… so I’m essentially having to accept I’ll be alone forever 😟

I’m so sorry you’ve all been through it too

I find myself in the exact same position today with a 19 month old and dont feel well...

I'm on my second weekend with the kids after moving out and I just feel so sad and sorry for myself.

Together 10 years, 2 kids 7 and 4, STBEHX came out a little over a year ago and it just broke me. He lied all those years, he'd been with men before we got together but didn't mention anything about not being straight till last April. I will never trust anyone enough to have another relationship. That also makes me sad that I'll be spending my old age alone. I'm only 44 and feel like I exist only to service other people

Oh dear, sorry to hear that @Bowlofcheerios - do the absolute bare minimum you can get away with while you’re unwell, telly on, easy food for LO x

@IsThisLifeNow thats awful - I honestly think extended lies like that are the worst thing a partner can do

We will survive (although we don’t really have much choice I guess) ❤️

We will get through this, I'm sorry so many others are in a similar situation too.

I had to live with my ex for a year, and I was so desperate to get my own place to move on to that I never really looked beyond the actual move. Its only been a few weeks and the initial joy and relief have faded and now I'm just sad

My ex walked out just before baby was born, I grieved that family vision so so much. 3 years later I don’t very often although I wish I had some help on busy mornings and evenings or when travelling etc!

@IsThisLifeNow This is my third weekend and I was the same, I was so looking forward to the move after a year living together that I didn’t think too much about the after. And I guess the deep sadness in how everything has turned out and like you how it affects our views of the future.

If it was a friend in this position I could objectively say it will get better, you will find happiness again. But somehow when you are looking inwards at your own life, in what feels like the ashes of the future you thought you’d have, there is a lot of grief to process.

How did you all decide on how to split the coparenting?

The idea that I’m going to miss half my LO’s childhood is hard. We are consideringan every other day pattern so he isn’t going days without seeing either of us… is this doable?

As an old hand at this I’m happy to jump in around co parenting and future relationships and hopefully spread some positivity.
Co parenting- we have a 6 week rolling pattern; I do about 70% of the time with the kids and it’s been slowly increasing in recent years. This is to take into account me taking the kids to see my mum for the weekend and for me to be able to do full days at work (I work a 130 mile round trip). It has generally worked, having a strict EOW etc wouldn’t have worked for us.
Relationships- I have a lovely boyfriend. We don’t live together and won’t until my youngest is 18. We live miles away and have no temptation to blend our family lives. Totally works for us both!

Is he a good enough parent to have 50/50 with you or is he just doing this to avoid paying maintenance to you? Your DC is very young to be spending alternate days with parents - I would get some legal advice on this, because if you've been the primary carer up until this point then your DC will need that to continue.

Thanks @Nomdeplumeforthis1 good to hear some positivity!

@BridgetJonesV2 one of the things making me feel extra guilty is that he is a good Dad. Maternity leave aside he has always done 50/50 around the house and with LO. Great Dad, crap partner 😞
As much as having LO more than 50/50 would suit me better (for my own selfish reasons) I can’t justify doing that unless it is in the best interest of LO (but I don’t know what pattern would be best for an 18 month old?)