Should I worry about my husband's close friendship with a colleague?

[Owls1234]

Apologies for not using the lingo. I have recently found out by looking at my husband's phone that he has a close female colleague at work. I have read all the texts (not that many and mainly about people at work) and his teams chat which is usually every working day they exchange around 20-30 messages just generally about work people or having banter. He has never mentioned her and she is younger and single. She seems to be one of his closest friend in the office and the group of friends he has often go out together during and after work to the pub. I am currently pregnant and my reaction has not been rational. I have confronted him and he assured me it just slipped his mind and he has openly let me read all the messages. The messages themselves don't bother me just the fact he didn't tell me. He speaks to this colleague the most via messages but not via calls.
The group of friends is a mixture of women and men.
Should I be worried?

So he's sulking because you're unhappy with him developing a very close relationship with a woman at work who he's never mentioned to you.

It's time for him to make choices. He's chosen to become overly close to her. Now it's time for him to choose to be closer to his pregnant wife.

No he has stopped talking to her because I told him to. He is very sorry for not mentioning her to me and will do anything for me to forgive him

I can't disagree with this.

Pregnancy does funny things to a man's hormones, too.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. I have a close colleague who is male, and loads of female ones. DH is the same. Unless they say something I think DH would be interested I don’t mention them. It isn’t interesting enough to mention.

Oh, I see.

I'm glad he's choosing you. When he's got a pregnant wife, that's a terrible time to choose to engage with and socialize outside of work with and get close to another woman. I don't think you were wrong to be concerned.

He has explained to a work colleague that he won’t be speaking to her any more because his wife had told him off? This is insane behaviour.

And it’s sad she has to explain that she sees herself as ‘one of the boys’. She is perfectly entitled to talk to men she works with without having to worry about their wives.

He’s messaged her on a work app about work related matters and there is no sign whatsoever of getting close to her in an inappropriate way. He socialised with her together with colleagues and she gave him a lift home, entirely sober. What has the man done wrong?

Forgive him for what? Do you tell him the name of every male colleague you’re friendly with or who comes for drinks when you’re out with work?

He didn't tell me about her! When he messages so much during work and talks to at work

He's made choices that made his pregnant wife uneasy.

They were in contact 20 to 30 times every day chatting about coworkers and with "banter". They were close enough they switched to phones because of work gossip.

And he never mentioned this younger, single friend to his wife.

He’s put a stop to this very quickly once found out, that would make me think it wasn’t just friendly banter.

They are having a conversation. It will be 20-30 ‘have you heard Harry’s rang in sick again?’ ‘I know! Eighth time this year!’ ‘Surely going to be sacked this time?’ ‘Got to be, but who’d get his job?’ He has also been calling his male colleagues probably to have the same conversation.

I have lots of my male colleagues’ numbers and they’ll sometimes message. There is nothing at all in it. I hate to roll out ‘if OP was a man’, but imagine a man had told his wife she couldn’t talk to a male colleague and she’d had to go and tell the man that she was no longer allowed to speak to him?

If he had refused to stop everyone would be saying that was proofing he was planning to cheat.

Or he has realised it was becoming inappropriate and is nipping it in the bud. OP I think you need to take him at face value and move past this as he has done and said all the right things to reassure you.

Pregnancy is a really high risk time for cheating partners so I don’t think you’re overreacting. He needs to wind it down, 20-30 messages a day is excessive. Best nipped in the bud.

This 'one of the boys' thing doesn't wash with me. I wouldn't dream of messaging back and forth with a married male colleague so much. It is inappropriate behaviour. She's not a boy , she's a woman. It's dangerous territory and the op was right to bring it up.

I'm glad the husband has put a stop to it.

Proof*

Would you have a verbal conversation where you exchanged 20-30 lines of dialogue? That’s all messaging on work apps is.

@Owls1234 He was behaving inappropriately but he has not cheated. Ofcourse you can forgive him. But I would keep an eye on it.

I work in IT so I work mainly with men, plenty are my friends. Even men on projects I'm working on don't swap 30 messages with me a day about project stuff (mostly because we're busy working), nevermind random banter.

And I swap memes and work gossip with some of them on my personal phone from time to time but not every single day. Even male friends I've know 20+ years I don't message every single day.

Messaging her there often without mentioning her is shady AF and you're right to pull him up on it.

Well OP i'm glad he is making the right noises by stopping the messaging and not going to the pub with her.

However I think if he has only done this because you "told him" to, and not because he realised himself that his behaviour was crossing boundaries then I would be a little dubious going forward.

I think you should be on the alert because he has already proved himself to be less than honest by being secretive about this woman so there is always the possibility he will just get better about hiding things in the future.

I'm not surprised if your trust in him is dented because you have found a side to your H which you obviously weren't aware of.

@thinkprint Perhaps , but it would be in the staff room in full view of other colleagues probably. I'd also not text a male work colleague to gossip.

There wouldn't be anything for me to move past to be honest. Sounds like he had a friend and now he's not allowed to have that friend any more and he's OK with it.

I have never had work relationship with anybody, of either sex, where I messaged them 2-3 times an hour, which is the case here. That isn't being "one of the boys", it is at the least needy.

And if I did have someone pestering me like this at work I'd be putting a stop to it.

Her behaviour isn't normal, nor is his reaction to it ( for a married man).

30 times a day over a 10- hour shift is once every 20 minutes. When did they ever get any work done?