Balancing a new relationship with wanting children before time runs out

[HopefulCautious]

I am in a new relationship of six months. We live together already due to specific circumstances, but that is temporary if we want it to be. We realise it sounds rushed but it feels very natural. We are both very financially independent and secure - there is no cocklodging situation.

I am 36 and he is 38. We both want kids and I feel really quite certain already that I’d love him to be the father of my kid(s).

Time, however, is not on our side. I’d normally say I want to be with someone for five years before even considering children, or even three at a push. But waiting that long means we would take the option off the table. It puts me in a dilemma on what to do.

Any advice, thoughts? I am not naive and we are not stupid romantics - I know we are in the honeymoon period! I’m trying to weigh up how to be realist on fertility versus sensible on relationship length. My current idea is to suggest we pay for a proper fertility test, and discuss the timeline from there, but potentially considering trying around a year from now.

If relevant: I don’t want a long difficult IVF journey - but I would consider adoption, I don’t know if he does. I’m also realist that it all may never happen for us, and that would have to be accepted - but I’d love to give ourselves a proper shot. I’d love to hear experiences.

I’d wait another 6 months and then crack on trying if you both still feel the same.

I agree with the first poster

I’d give it a year and see if you still feel the same way. I had a baby at 37 (easily, pregnant the first month of trying) and it was no big deal. I wouldn’t waste your money and energy on fertility tests. At 36, you’ll either get pregnant easily (lots of women do, I have friends who got pregnant quickly and naturally at 40 and 44, plus lots in their late 30s) - or you won’t. It likely won’t make a bit of difference at 36 vs 37 vs 38.

BUT I cannot tell you how important it is to have this time as a couple for your relationship. You never get this time back. If you want a family together and you want a solid strong relationship, build it now. Have fun together. Stay up all night talking.Travel. Eat at all the restaurants. Plan your future and just enjoy each other. Any future children will thank you for the solid foundation. Being parents is rough! It’s not particularly fun. The fun you have now is what gets you through. And get married first too. You don’t need a wedding, but legally lay the foundation for family life.

You barely know each other - give it year, get married and then if you both want a baby go for it. What does he say?

I say longer. I'd do 12m then crack on

I haven’t asked him yet directly - I was planning to raise it to discuss next week, and I wanted to brainstorm first to make sure I didn’t sound insane when talking to him! It sounds like people here suggest earlier / similar to what I’d been thinking to suggest, which was waiting for 18 months together.

I’m very conscious of what the other poster said about this is the time to have fun together. I’ve been in long-term relationships before. We are focusing on fun, but I’m also sad inside that we can’t have years and years of adventures first. I wish we could. Dating in your mid-30s carries lots of particular sadnesses and complexities. But overall I feel I’ve hit the jackpot finding him whatever happens!

What do you think about single parenting? I’d ideally wait the full year, but your appetite for risk so to speak is relevant.

I met my now DH in my mid twenties and so waited a decade to have kids (until I was ready). I don’t think that super long wait was actually good for us or for the relationship. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be that nothing can actually prepare you for being a parent - including time or maturity - so if it’s what you want crack on asap. Maybe give it another few months to check living together still feels comfortable, but don’t give it ages.

Can’t say I want single parenting really. I want to have a child with him specifically - I don’t want to have a child alone or with the wrong person. I’ve been very picky about dating for that reason since my previous separation, I had no interest in “settling”.

FWIW my boyfriend is probably more invested in having kids than me! He often raises questions about attitudes to parenting and similar.

I disagree with this. For some people 36 vs 37 vs 38 can be the difference between being able to conceive and not being able to, and fertility testing can give you a heads up if you might be one of them.

Respectfully, you barely know him.