After domestic abuse

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I was married to my ex husband for 20 years. We separated last year. Best thing I’ve ever done however I’ve not come to terms with anything that happened during our relationship. I’ve been in therapy for two years now but im still completely numb. He did some horrific things to me and I can think about them but cannot feel a single emotion about them. I just recall them as facts and move on. I know it’s a protective mechanism but I feel no emotions about anyone or anything. I have 4 amazing kids and I show up for them but my lack of emotions is worrying me. I don’t even feel any anger towards him even though he’s still verbally, financially abusing me every opportunity he gets. Please share any experiences or tips as I want to feel again.

I didn’t want to read and run but I don’t think that you can force these things. Be kind to yourself. You are still being present for your children and going through a divorce!

maybe when everything is done you will be able to breathe and let everything out.

good luck.

I went on a course run by my local Women's Aid. Talking with other women who had also been abused, whilst learning about the why and how of the abuse was really helpful. The course was their version of the Freedom Programme.

It's hard to explain the effect it had, but once you understand the mechanism and motivation behind the abuse, you realise it wasn't about you, it's about them and how flawed they are. Once I saw that, I felt much more able to cope as I wasn't the weak, useless person he had spent years creating.

I am so sorry OP, and well done for leaving.
Not all of you knows you are safe yet, and those feelings you are protecting yourself from are really scary. Sometimes it can take years to be able to process and feel again after significant trauma.

Is your therapist able to offer you some somatic work? This is where you work with the feelings in your body. Or might they offer some creative work? Sometimes we can access feelings more easily by using art materials.
You might also have a look at starting yoga, or similar as a way of bringing connection between mind and body. Sometimes, that can help to release some of the numbness, and allow some of the processing to happen.
if you haven’t already talked to your therapist, please do. They know you, and might be able to offer you the above or something different.
wishing you well op

I think numbness happens when constantly bombarded with bad things. It, to me, definitely a defence mechanism. I too feel numb about a lot of things at the moment.

You may find when you're free of his abuse, it may come flooding back. Just give yourself time and space to process things one bit at a time.

Thank you for the replies.

I tried yoga but again felt I was just going through the motions and it wasn’t for me. I’ll try some somatic work but I think I’m waiting on some breakthrough and I guess I can’t force it but I’d just love to have some emotion - it’s like I know things are sad etc but I almost fake my reactions as nothing touches me.

It was quite a lot that happened and although I didn’t think they were bad at the time I think they’ve had quite an impact.

I agree my body probably knows it’s not safe yet but to be honest I don’t know if it ever will due to threats made so I hope I can move forward.

I also think it’s been a life saver for me in many ways as I have functioned normally (minus emotion) for a long time and can go to work, parent etc.

I can relate to this numbness and lack of emotion, but for different reasons. My mum died quite unexpectedly in Nov, and we had to make the decision to withdraw sustenance. We watched her fade away before our eyes. It was beyond dreadful. But now I seem to be disconnected from my emotions about all this, and about losing my mum. Like you said, I can recall events a bit like the way I recall facts. It feels very weird.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment, so I reckon my mind/body won't let me go through the grief. When I find the time, I would like to have some therapy, and hopefully the emotion will come pouring out...as I don't think it's good thing to be so (seemingly) emotionless.

I missed that the abuse is still ongoing. It’s really difficult to recover from trauma if it’s ongoing. I think you can move forward, but it’s very hard if the source of your trauma is still there. Don’t worry about your lack of emotion, it’s understandable; given your experience.
I am so sorry OP. I hope you are able to get the financial situation sorted soon, and that will help. Are you still in the court process? If so, make sure you raise the abuse.

In so sorry to read about your mum. That does sound very difficult and I hope you get the help to process what you went through. Be kind to yourself and hopefully with time you will start to feel a bit more.

Thank you. I think that’s part of it that it’s too difficult with the threat he poses but having kids with him I think he will continue this for the next few years.
He’s threatened me our whole relationship what he would do if we split and a lot of the things he’s carrying through with so I guess that’s pretty frightening even though I’m not feeling it.
I can’t afford to take him to court and he’s withdrawn all support so trying to get that sorted at the minute so it’s all very much still going on. Once we settle I should have some breathing space and legally he knows that but I worry what will come next when he loses financial control

You might be eligible for legal aid if there has been domestic violence. It might be worth getting some advice from an IDVA.