Leaving emotionally unstable partner and managing the impact

[bookoodoo]

For context I’ve been with DP for 10 miserable years. 2 DC together, awful emotional neglect, my needs haven’t mattered at all, at any stage, everything has been about what he’s contributed financially, my sacrifices mean nothing. He sucks the joy out of everything with his moods, I walk on eggshells and can’t stand being in the same room as him. He’s emotionally unstable, gaslights and cry’s when I bring anything up to him about how he makes me feel or just how I feel. We live like robots just discussing day to day practicalities. I am done. Im choosing me now. My children have been my greatest and only joy during these years with him if it wasn’t for them I would have left many years ago.

Anyway. My youngest started school this year so I’ve been able to focus on my career again and now I’m in a much better financial position to leave. We live in a big house, I won’t be able to afford the mortgage alone so will either have to sell or he will have to buy me out. I don’t care, I dream of a little house filled with love and peace and not having my body tense up when he walks through the door. The only issue is with him being so emotionally unstable I know he will have a breakdown over me leaving, not because he loves me but because this life benefits him. I’m worried about how this is going to affect my children and if I’ll be able to trust him to look after them on weekends or whatever agreement we come to. He’s threatened to hurt himself before when I’ve said I want to leave. In his world everything has to be ok, never great just ok even the small things so I know he won’t be able to handle this. Has anyone left a man like this? How did they react and how was they with the children? My biggest and only real concern is my children and them seeing a grown adult react the way he does and how this will impact them. Any insight into how I can handle the situation would be much appreciated

I have had a partner like this in the way of saying he will hurt himself if I leave him. That is coercive control and carry a maximum 5 yr prison sentence.

I have also had a marriage with a boring man, never one who cried but one who thought all his problems were caused by everyone else.

I'm out of both those relationships and had nothing and had to rebuild my life. You are in a much better position than me. You need to be happy.

Well done you OP for planning your exit. Don't look back

Start collecting as much evidence as possible of his emotional instability and your concerns for the children. I imagine you'd have grounds to insist on supervised contact. I don't know the practicalities of how this would be achieved, I hope more knowledgeable people can answer this for you. You could always speak to women's aid for advice. They will be well used to supporting victims of emotional and cooersive control.

If he threatens to harm himself tell him you'll call the police/ambulance for a welfare check. And do it. He'll only threaten it once.

Does he do anything with the children right now? School runs, homework, cooking, laundry? If not then he might not want the children at all, or minimally.

Good luck OP, and well done for getting the finances in order so you can leave

You look after yourself and children by leaving. Absolutely no-one needs to be in a relationship where affection is witheld.
I am sure your children will feel relaxed without his moods.
Be brave, end this dire relationship and find somewhere you can bring your children up in calmness. You owe this move to your children and yourself. This is truly horrible way to live.
The breakdown may come. but children can be protected from being neglected by their Dad.
Experts will come along soon re the practicalities of your children.
Do leave though...your relationship sounds hideous.

If he threatens to harm himself again call the police immediately. If he is unstable around the children stop contact. Let the professionals deal with him.

Planning is your friend here. I second the comments about calling the police if he threatens to harm himself. You need to plan. Tell him away from the home or arrange for the children to be somewhere else. Present it as a done deal. There's nothing to discuss, no compromises to be made. Would it be helpful to have someone with you? Does he have a friend or family member you could ask to help? Somewhere he could stay if he's unstable? Keep evidence of bad behaviour and document any threats. I would deal with the practicalities as far ahead as possible and present options regarding the house. Don't let him stall. Your only regret will be not leaving him sooner.

Agree with calling police with threats of self harm, or his family. It’s usually attention seeking and when you don’t react by running back to them, they get embarrassed by other people knowing and won’t do it again. Or at the very least, you have it on record. My ex was completely emotionally unstable when I left, drink, drugs, harassment, threats. On a comedown sending me threatening messages. I called the police to do a welfare check on him & my daughter. They went round & he wasn’t there. 11pm at night and my daughter was meant to be in bed. Police went looking for him, I’m wondering if my daughter has been left alone in the house. Panicking. Next thing I know he’s driven to my house drunk and he’s sat outside beeping the horn and flashing the lights at my house as he believed I had a man in there. Police arrested him and my poor daughter was in the back seat fast asleep. He was arrested & after that social services became involved and I got an emergency child arrangement order where he was only allowed supervised access & a non mol for me. He’s sorted himself out now. Has our daughter regularly, stopped drinking & has a new gf and child. So it was rough for a year but I 100% don’t regret my decision & finally made my ex stop drinking & doing drugs which is something he couldn’t do while I stayed married to him.