Difficult sibling relationship - how to stop it bothering you

[FancyKeyboard]

I’m in my late forties and have a slightly younger brother who lives at the other end of the country. We barely speak, and I genuinely can’t work out whether I should keep trying, say something directly, or just give up. How do you just detach? Has anyone got a similar experience?

He has a long history of going silent on people for months at a time, me and our parents, and even his friends, included. Sometimes there’s a reason, sometimes apparently not. In person he’s basically fine - will chat away - but he hates calls/messages and simply doesn’t maintain contact.

I do think there are underlying issues, divorce, depression, etc, but it’s incredibly hard to have any kind of relationship with him.

I actually wrote paragraphs and paragraphs about the specifics, but it was way too long and boring to force you to read right now - maybe in the thread.

I last saw him in May last year (again, fine in person), but we have different age kids and with exams and whatnot I don't think we will cross paths at our parents' home this summer. I still send birthday/Christmas messages to him and his kids. He never replies.

Everyone tells me to keep doing occasional polite check-ins because 'he’s your brother', or 'you should take the high road', but the lack of ever replying is beginning to get to me. And it makes me wonder, has anyone ever said to him, "oh you should reply, she's your sister".

I run through all these imaginary conversations in my head about what I'd like to say to him. And then I just go back to saying nothing and sending polite messages. Nowadays I can generally put him out of mind, but today was a 'polite message' day with no reply, as per usual. And seeing his name there in my Whatsapp just makes me overthink. Is he pissed off with me (he has been before, for spurious reasons)? Is he just having his best life and I'm just someone he lived with for 16 years?

I think I'm just sad because it would be nice to have a brother to talk to! Our dad has stage 4 cancer and he's doing okay, but I don't want the next time we speak to be at a funeral.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and family are important to chat about old memories, fun times etc.

Despite you wishing for a close realtionship with your brother, he has made his silence loud and clear that he is not interested. This may be nothing to do with you, so please don't blame yourself. I imagine that this is more to do with him.

It's ok to drift through life knowing you have a brother and that when you get together you get along ok. This is far better than pushing your need to have him as close family and pushing him away.

I appreciate it is tough. Family should be close, but due to personalities this is not always the case and sometimes you have to accept what you do have.

So sorry about your dad. My siblings are all NC with me. I got a bizarre phone call from one of them a year ago (after 4 years of no calls whatsoever) and ended up being sick straight after as I assumed one of my parents was poorly or worse. It’s not a nice way to live.

I now keep my input at the same level that I get to try to protect myself. I did send a happy Christmas text to one brother and one sister which afterwards I wish I hadn’t sent as no replies. One of them still hasn’t replied the other replied mid January.

I still send cards and gifts to my nieces and nephews, well the ones I have addresses for.

i am going through a really low patch with my physical and mental health right now and could really do with a sibling or two.

I’m sorry about your DF.

It’s a one way street and he’s being very bad mannered.

Time to stop doing it and treat like with like. If you chase a dog it will keep running. Now is the time to leave him be, and let him come to you.

It’s not at all unusual for adult siblings to feel oceans apart. It’s rarely to harm and done to protect. You don’t know what but unless you’ve been routinely spiteful or something then you can be assured this is beyond and above you and not about a lacking. Hold him in peace. And acknowledge the need for more male peers that maybe this is pointing to. I have many siblings, almost all of them of the heart. You’ll know when you meet a siblingfriend. You’ll just click. They are out there.

OP, you’re torturing yourself needlessly about this by thinking in terms of ‘should’s and ‘polite messages’. You can’t control the behaviour of anyone else, especially someone you acknowledge has his own demons. All you can do is change your mindset. You wish it was otherwise, but you’re not close. Accept that. Only message if you can do it without becoming upset.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis.
I'm in a similar situation with my brother. In my case I think he still sees me as the annoying younger sister, even though we're middle aged now. I don't expect it to change. It's just us left, parents and other sibling all dead now.

He's single and the type to deflect any attempt at closeness with humour, making a joke out of things. Otherwise it's often unveiled disrespect or the silent treatment. Occasionally he'll be civil.

I know he'll feel like he is justified in his position. I don't think there's anything I can do to change things.

I'm sorry that you're in a similar position.

In terms of your question - how to stop a difficult sibling relationship from bothering you - maybe it's harder at the moment because of your dad's health? I am trying to accept the idea that most people are doing the best they can with the information they have and their experiences and perspectives. It's still difficult though, at times like Christmas when well - meaning people ask about how we're spending it, when are we seeing family etc.

The only thing my sister and I have in common is the same parents, no animosity, no falling out just very different people. I would just leave him to get on with the life he wants.

Thanks all. You are exactly right in that I am torturing myself when I try and read into the no responses, when he is not giving me any head space at all.

Every so often I dream up ways to confront him about this - as if that might make me feel better. But it won't, will it? Or even to say 'I won't bother you again but here if I'm needed'. But then I'll analyse that, too.

It is hard. In October, my mum who he talks to more, suggested he put his dog in kennels when he visit them (my dad doesn't like dogs, I'm allergic), and he went completely dark for two months, only answering the phone around Christmas. At this point he revealed he'd been ignoring them because she was 'so rude'. Obviously I was not there, but she would not have been. She would bend over backwards for him!

The point is that my dad hadn't even contributed to the call but was being ignored too. As a result, he was ringing me saying 'your mum doesn't even know how to get him to pick up the phone if I die'. So yes, the illness is putting extra pressure on what I'm feeling. I'm dreading the inevitable because how will we support my mum (we both live hours away from her, between the three groups we live in three corners of the UK!) if he won't talk?

My MIL died unexpectedly earlier this year and it was horrendous but my DH did have his sister to talk to and lean on, and vice versa. I won't have that. He didn't even message about my MIL.

Argh I just need to get over it and put him out of mind, don't I?

I have relatives like this - it’s very hurtful. I’m told it is because they are ND. But they all manage to hold down good jobs so they must understand the basics of communication. But while I feel it’s personal it probably isn’t. I have great friends who are like family, close in laws, and some lovely actual family, so I try to focus on that.

@FancyKeyboard what was it like growing up together? I don’t want to be too mn trope but was it ever you and your parents vs him, or could it be he sees it as this with him as black sheep and you parents favourite?

This is a bit of a can of worms question. I was the older more bookish child, he was the younger one who was more into football. As kids we got on, but I left home at uni for 18 and never really went back. My parents weren't particularly child-centred. I don't think they had a favourite. My DM is a very much 'everything is fine' person, she doesn't like talking about problems. We were left to it with any emotional stuff.

Saying that, they massively worry about him now and have doorstepped him a few times, travelling across the country to see him because he doesn't answer his phone for months. Whereas I ring them regularly and I am 'fine' so they don't ever come to me.

However, there is definitely a perception that I had it easy because I did well at school, and I had praise for that.

My brother had to redo an a levels year, then at uni his girlfriend got pregnant in his first year, and that affected his end result somehow (he wouldn't let anyone attend his graduation but we think he did graduate - just no one knows for sure). He is now divorced. I don't think he has the career he wanted (though it's a perfectly fine one and more career shaped than my job!). From the one time we did argue properly years back, he's got a massive chip on his shoulder about his life and mine. I totally recognise he has been through some tough times.

What he doesn't know, because he doesn't talk to me, is that I've had my own issues. He knows the facts I suppose but we've never chatted about them. We couldn't conceive, then had to have ivf, had a miscarriage. My parents spent years only talking to me about how wonderful his child was (she is lovely tbf). I really struggled with this at the time. Now, I'm doing ok in general but I have some life issues - some health stuff. My job is at risk. My life is not perfect.

No doubt he now hears them talk about my kids, my husband's job (mine is quite average) and thinks I am getting all the praise. I think the lacks the imagination to realise I get the same but the other way around!

Even the other week when he was still ignoring them, my dad rang saying 'oh it's so difficult, I just want him to answer the phone so I can offer him all my tools in the toolshed when I die - because you wouldn't want them - and he won't talk to me'. So I'm doing the emotional heavy lifting, but he is still front of mind.

Hmm, so consequently I'd say neither of us are the golden child, but they are predisposed to boasting about what they like about us to the other one, which doesn't help. And they also worry more about the one they don't hear from, and will do more for him (tonnes of childcare if he ever asks for example). Every conversation where he comes up my mum will just say 'oh you know what he is like'.

Sorry, too long!

'oh it's so difficult, I just want him to answer the phone so I can offer him all my tools in the toolshed when I die - because you wouldn't want them - and he won't talk to me'

Your dad has no qualms being manipulative and crossing boundaries. It’s not normal to use your children to vent about issues with your own siblings. Thats a massive breach. I know it in my soul naturally.

This is about your childhood op. This is above and beyond you and a dynamic that was established by your parents long before you were conscious of it. When adult siblings are divided by a narrative there’s a parent(s) that lacks empathy and operates at a child’s level of emotional maturity. Analysing your brother is putting the cart before the horse.

The first thing I would suggest is to draw a line with your parents where you will not discuss his relationship with them. They will sulk and act like children, which is what they are doing now.

I have got a sister like this and we don’t mean anything to her - she is autistic. My cousin has exactly the same thing with her sister - she is autistic. Hate to play the autistic card but it is 💯 the reason these two people are simply not bothered. My cousin still tries but she doesn’t have any other siblings. Me and my other sister have given up. It’s not you!

Yeah, my dad is a funny one. He worked shifts throughout childhood at home and it clearly wrecked his health and temperament (two weeks days, two weeks nights, two weeks off - scientifically you are never going to get used to that). He was very stern.

He is now mellowed out somewhat by age and illness, but I think he is confused why both children don't get in touch more often. Tbh he is reaping what he sows, which is a very hard lesson to learn. So I do try, and I'm sad for him that being ill means retirement isn't what he thought it would be. I have all of these conflicting emotions. But actually I can sort of understand why my brother stays away - I just don't think I've done anything to him - but maybe I'm just part of the overall picture and he needs distance for his own mental health.

It's been very comforting and validating to read your comments, so thank you.