Is any one else familiar with the concept of an emotionally unavailable partner? This is a new thing that I am just learning about, as the person who I have been in a serious relationship with broke up with me again. I think this is the 3rd time? My previous marriage was abusive, but this relationship has been something else entirely.
I believed that I was so lucky and my partner was the perfect, most amazing man. Kind, loving, helpful, clever, hard working and so clean and tidy. Amazing with making meals, cleaned and kept his house immaculate, can fix anything. Had his life so completely together. Completely in love with him, and we were planning to move in together and were engaged. He made all the moves. Asked me out, proposed to me, painted this future where we move in and live together with my DC.
We have a very strong bond physically and the sex is always amazing. I am extremely attracted to him.
He's kind of quiet and keeps his social circle extremely small. Basically only talks to me and his parents, and has no other friends. Doesn't like to let people get close to him. I just took these as personality quirks and enjoyed his company. I accepted him completely. I believed he was safe and absolutely the one.
The flip side, he would put off allowing the relationship to progress any further and he would periodically break up the relationship, leaving me in limbo. These breaks ups would usually happen every couple of years or so, and generally last about a day. I would be completely blindsided, and be extremely distressed. Please don't do this. Don't throw me away. I felt like he tipped a bucket of ice over me, and ripped the floor out from my world.
I have poor mental health, and extremely low self esteem and low self worth. Every rejection would chip away at my self esteem.
He would then apologise, and say he didn't mean it. Won't happen again. I love you... And I would feel so relieved and happy that everything was ok again. He promised me that he would never do that to me again. I believed him, but of course there's always an underlying anxiety and stress about when the next time might be.
And then he did it to me again. Seemingly out of the blue. I now feel like the whole future was fake, and I was online all night and came across this "emotionally unavailable man" thing, and it all seems to fit with what I have been experiencing.
I now see the patterns and cycle that I'm in. I've been with him about 8 years, but some people spend decades in this cycle, and it costs them their nervous systems. They're a wreck and their hair is falling out.
So when he breaks up with me, he wants to stay in contact and stay friends. So that I can always be available to him for the next time he decides to turn on the hot and reel me back in.
So this morning when he messages saying he loves me and I'm all he thinks about, I called him out on it. I see you. I see what you're doing, and it's only going to work so long as I tolerate it. I think he was a bit taken a back. Now that I see the patterns and understand the cycle a little more, I don't feel so blinded by love. I know that I can't get back in the cycle. I know that it's all fake. The man I'm in love with doesn't really exist, and the future is all an illusion. I'm not going to tolerate it any more, because I actually can't. My mental health is shot to bits.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?