Help me decide what’s fair in separating and who lives where

[ByGladUser]

looking for guidance on what is fair. Husband and I, together 16 years are separating - no one has done anything wrong but sadly feelings have changed on my part due to some odd behaviours.

We have a child with Autism, age 13, I am their safe place and their relationship with dad is very up and down and not great on the whole. Child has EBSA and it’s a contact daily battle with them.

Husband wants a sale of the house immediately however I think this would be hugely detrimental to our child who struggles with change, also my parents live next door and provide huge support to us with the children, emotionally but also allows me to continue to work as child often not in school.
I bought the house before we met and added him to the deeds around 10 years ago, he has continued to pay half the mortgage, but I put the deposit into the house, we since paid to enter for an extension.

I am struggling with the guilt of refusing to sell the house until our child is 18 as it means husband will end up in a not very nice flat, but I really feel it’s what’s right for child.

husband has a decent pension which I will happily leave alone.

looking for opinions of a fair way to do this. If we sold the house we would have 80k equity each, neither salaries are great and we have no savings. Thank you

You need to work out what half his pension is worth. I would fight tooth and nail to stay in the house. Do not feel selfish about that as it was your house to start with and you are thinking of your child. Could you remortgage to get him a deposit. Could your parents help. I am sure they love having you as a neighbour.

I think you should go to a mortgage broker and see if you can afford to buy him out. Could your parents help you?

I think you need to remortgage to buy hubbie out. He will argue that you have support for your teenager from your parents next door and he (rightly) deserves the ability to be housed appropriately on divorce (I presume this is happening too)

Thank you for the suggestions. I think I need to ask him to tell me the value of his pension as I considered it might be an option to leave his pension alone as payment or part payment of buying him out - does that make sence?

The house at this point would be considered marital property, and he could most likely force a sale.

Based on what you’ve said, you would be best served to buy him out if you can. Ultimately though, you need a solicitor.

Don’t expect him to get a CETV for his pensions unless he gets one from you.

I agree with the others with regard to buying him out which would obviously also enable him to purchase a property.

You definately need his pension details in order to be able to see whether you are getting what you are entitled to.

You can propose that, but I wouldn’t expect him to agree. It would be one thing if he had a substantial pension and could afford to house himself adequately, but this isn’t the case.

His housing needs are immediate, and a pension can be rebuilt pension over time.

Meager orders are uncommon, with courts preferring a clean break.

@ByGladUser Most divorces are now clean break. This means all finances are resolved at the same time as the divorce. If not, both parties cannot move on and your ex is hanging around for 5 years. Plus you probably won’t go when DS is 18! You need to see a solicitor because you could try and negotiate to buy him out but is this realistic? The solicitor will require full financial disclosure from both of you but how will your ex get his share of your joint matrimonial assets if you don’t sell? If I was him, I’d want clean break and a sale. He could ask for this at a court hearing and may well get it.

You both need to apply for CETVs for your pensions asap and (assuming his is much larger) see if he will agree to forego pension-sharing in lieu of a share in the house. Values would have to be similar and he has every right to say no as he obviously does need somewhere to live. Perhaps your parents would consider remortgaging to buy him out and you pay them back over time?

My other consideration was that I people spy the mortgage and all bills myself and stay in the house with the kids, until we get through secondary school (3 years) and then husband has his full salary to rent, until the time comes when we sell. I really do care about him and want to be fair, but do worry about my son, who I fear will have a negative reaction of the seperation and then further with a house move

I don't think you can keep the marital property until your child is an adult, you'll need to buy your husband out or sell it.

If you stay in the house where do you expect your husband to live

I am afraid what you "decide" is fair is not at all relevant.

I know that doesn't help, but unless you are reasonable it will end up being the choice of the courts.

agree, that’s why I’m looking for opinions as it’s so hard to see clearly if you are being reasonable in such tense situations

she could get a proportion of his pension - but it won’t be half - as soon as you start taking about pensions - she will have to get hers valued as well.

very unlikely she will be allowed to “stay “ in the house with out buying him out, he is on the deeds now- so is a martial asset - original ownership is irrelevant

the best outcome would be the she gets more the 50% of the value of the house and offsets this against his pension ( depending on the value)

they may be splitting- but things still need to be fair

If you take into account all the assets - including both your pensions - and what you are likely to receive in child maintenance, would a 50:50 split allow you to keep the house? If not what would the split need to be? And what would you be able to afford nearby if xdh did insist on a 50:50 split?

These are all proposals you can make, but what you consider fair is unlikely to be what he considers fair, or what a judge considers fair.

That you originally bought the house is irrelevant, it’s now marital property he has a stake in that is equal to yours.

Unless he’s agreeable to allowing you to remain until your son is 18, or you can afford to buy him out, then it is highly likely that the court will force a sale.

You need a solicitor.

As pps have said, you need to get accurate valuations for all assets including pensions.

A friend of mine got to keep the house whilst her ex got to keep his entire pension pot because they were roughly equal in value.

You need to get values for both pensions. Most pension share and after 16 years together that would seem fair. If you paid deposit on current house you could ask for your deposit back before equity is shared. You could remortgage then over a longer period to buy stbxh out. He will need to pay maintenance for his DC if DC does not sleep over at his house after divorce. You could use child maintenance to put towards mortgage. It does not matter if you have to go back to a longer repayment period on mortgage. I think that is fair. If you had a lot of equity in house before DH got added then maybe he would agree you get 60 percent of equity and he has 40 percent. He will need somewhere to live.

Thank you. That is very sensible! I want him to have somewhere to live, I want him to be okay and have somewhere nice to spend time with the kids.
I am going to see if I can get some mortgage advice and perhaps look for free advice from solicitor

@ByGladUser So how does he get any money out of the house for a deposit? Should he not be allowed to buy? Why should he have to throw money away renting because you won’t leave the house? This financial agreement is about offers and negotiation but see a solicitor. I’m assuming he will and will want a clean break divorce.