Trust your instincts when a partner’s behaviour suddenly changes

[Alwaystrustyourgut]

I'm a semi regular poster /replier but have changed my username due to ongoing police investigations against my soon to be ex "H".

I'm seeing more and more posts from predominantly women who are just being totally gaslit and /blindsided by their partners and I just wanted to reiterate that in my case, if I hadn't had followed my sixth sense, and gone through my ex "H's" phone I would never to this day known about what was going on right under my nose and I would still be living out a totally "normal" life.

Whilst I do not condone invading another person's privacy, when you know something is "off" please act on it because what I uncovered was totally horrific and life-changing. It's very early days still, my health has suffered due to the upset and stress and there's a long road ahead but I'd rather that than the alternative.

I totally trusted my "H", would never have believed it, but an increase in phone usage and a total withdrawal of any form of intimacy along with changeable moods made me just know something wasn't right.

I just hope that by posting it may help at least one person to think that they are justified in seeking validation and that there's nothing wrong with that. I'm glad I did.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you come out the other side - not unscathed, because that's impossible - but happier (or, at least, wiser.)

And, I agree. If I hadn't gone through my wife's phone, I'd never have known of her affair.

It's a horrible situation when you are faced with that moral dilemma but sometimes it's the only way of uncovering the truth. My situation is now totally out of my hands as it is a police matter but to find out how long this secret life has been going on for has just ruined my life. Some days are easier than others and I know that hopefully one day this awful feeling won't hurt quite so much. Hope you're ok 🤞

@Alwaystrustyourgut I’m so sorry you found yourself in that position.

Instinct is powerful and we should definitely follow it and worry less about “the rules” if there might have been a safeguarding failure, which it sounds like there might have been here.

Again, I’m so sorrry.

I take it that it's CSA imagery on his phone no wonder your devastated if that is the case.

No not CSA but videos using my face on an AI app to then distribute for s@xual gratification. Just devastating.

When I found out I felt a sense of relief that I wasnt going crazy. Both times by two different people. What reallhurts are the lies when you confront

So sorry OP, that sounds horrific.

I never intended to snoop my ex’s messages but accidentally hit the Messages app in the button bar while using a shared device to watch a movie, and that one thing led me to discover hundreds of thousands of dollars of hidden spending addiction over the course of a decade.

Did I have gut feelings/suspicions that something was off? Of course, but I believed in respecting privacy and giving the benefit of the doubt to my partner.

Fuck that now, I can only wish I’d had the sense to snoop years sooner.

Sorry that happened to you. My ex filmed me without knowing.

Oh my no wonder you're devastated I hope there is perhaps a charity,professional help you can get help to navigate what's happened to you.
Sorry this has happened to you.

Luckily the police have put me in touch with an amazing service but sadly any sort of therapy has a very long waiting list and so I am seeking this privately. I've always respected privacy but my gut just knew something wasn't right. I honestly thought perhaps gambling but wow never in my wildest dreams did I think I would uncover what I did.

Sorry, deleted comment as wrong post quoted

@Alwaystrustyourgut do check if you have access to any private counselling / therapy at work. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Sending strength OP! From what I’ve read about all the recent chats coming to light, making and distributing this kind of material has sometimes been a precursor to the ‘eye check’ 🤮 These men (000,000’s) are sick, and sadly they are our partners who supposed to love us…

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you op. Thank you for sharing for awareness.

I hope you get lots of support IRL. This must be just awful for you.

I have been refused by talking therapies via the NHS as the police have referred me to their independent therapy service but again I'm still waiting to hear back from them. Some days are better than others but I have a very active dog that drags me out of bed come rain or shine and she's really been my saving grace. Time out each day in nature has helped a little although I have to listen to an audiobook because once the mind is quiet it's then I struggle to cope.

Hope you get your therapy up and running soon.
Hope you have trusted friend or discreet family member you can trust and not blab as I take it you've to come to terms with it first.

There's aye usually someone here to yap too.