Going through a divorce, now so happy with somebody new - advice please!

[Anon316]

Hi all

I am currently going through a divorce at 35, after 15 years with my ex husband. He cheated on me back in 2018 and I stupidly forgave him, he then had an affair with a new work colleague all of last year whilst we were going through fertility treatment!
I’ve had a lot of therapy over the past few months and I’m feeling pretty good.
Just before Christmas, a friend of a friend asked me out for a drink. I accepted but told him I only wanted to keep things casual at the time. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other at least twice a week, as much as we can and we decided we both had too many feelings for it to remain casual.
I really love him and he’s so supportive and calm and consistent. We both have no children.

My question is, for those who met new partners after your divorce, how soon did you move in together?

I can see us living together, I have known him on surface level for 5 years.
I know people would say we are moving quickly but we make each other very happy and it would make sense for finances as both renting is so expensive!

Would be grateful to hear your thoughts!

Don't make such big decisions while you are in a vulnerable situation. Enjoy your freedom, and your relationship, take it slow. It's only been a few months. Take time to get to know yourself - the person you were before your ex-husband destroyed your self-esteem. Maybe this new person is perfect, but he might also just appear to be because a) your benchmark is your ex, who sounds horrible and b) because you desperately need the validation you are getting right now. Don't mistake that for love. Give it time!

What's the rush? I'd give it a year of seeing each other before making any move to live together. It's all moonlight and roses now but you're still getting to know each other!

Sorry, I should have added - there isn’t a rush but I am currently living in my past matrimonial home and will have to move soon as although i can afford the repayments, I can’t afford the full mortgage balance on my salary.
New partner of 5 months has rented for 5 years - I wondered if moving in together would make sense to share the bills. I’m a bit worried about getting locked into a property of my own then it being difficult to move in together. Lots to consider!

do you both want children at some point? If so that does add a bit of pressure as IMO you’d want to leave together for a good few years before doing that

Hi! Yes we have spoken about kids already! He would love a child and I would too. He knows about my fertility treatment and has already said if we needed it he’d be fully on board in future. It definitely adds to the considerations….

I split with an ex partner, engaged for 6yrs but not married, so not the same in that respect but similar in that after 3m someone I’d known for 3.5yrs asked me out. We’ve been together since 1998, 2 children. We didn’t move in together officially for 3yrs but we were together pretty much every night anyway. I wouldn’t normally say that its advisable to be so quick but I do think it’s a little different if you’ve known each other a long time anyway.

Life is short.

do what feels right for you both. Just be sure to protect your interests.

I would not move in for any reason other than it is the right thing for the relationship. Once you've had time to experience all the highs/lows of the relationship and know it has staying power. Don't move in to share bills, safer to do that with a friend or housemate than with a potential partner. Moving in too quickly may well put too much pressure on the relationship.