It's been nearly 10 years and I still miss him every single bloody day

[SadCow]

I'm not expecting anyone to have any wise words for me. Or even to have sympathy, as I know how pathetic I am. Just feeling a bit lonely today and want to get it down, anonymous-like. At least, I hope it's anonymous!

I am still so ridiculously hung-up on an old relationship. It's been the best part of a decade since we split. It was my decision (cold feet, long story). Almost everything about my life is different now to what it was then. He, as far as I know, is happily settled; in fact I think he's married. I will probably never lay eyes on him again.

There is no rational reason for feeling this way. I know I should be getting on with my life, and to the outside world, I have. I am in charge of my life, I have goals and responsibilities and am a together person who is strong and capable. And yet... inside I am in exactly the same place I was all those years ago. I still feel utterly lost. I still dream about him - regularly, weekly, fgs. There are still places that I can hardly bear to go, songs I can't listen to, etc, without stirring up all these memories.

I feel completely pathetic. Why can't I get past this? I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am just going to be alone with stupid memories forever. I have done everything I can think of to let go of the past and I just can't. Am even beginning to think that maybe I need to to 'see someone' to talk about this, because it's not normal, is it? Am I mad, or just a sad case?

Can’t give you much advice Sadgit (and I know it’s a zombie thread) but will comment on how it feels from the other side. My first love from 30 years ago sporadically gets in touch with me - we’ve never met but occasionally he emails or messages me. It seems to coincide with big events in his life (day before he got married, when his wife got pregnant). I’ve since realised from a distance that he has had quite a few mental health issues as an adult. It appears that he’s harking back to an easier time in his life and wanting to revert back to the relative ease of being a teenager again. He doesn’t know me now, what kind of adult I’ve become and it’s more about his feelings about himself and an escape from the issues in his life. As someone wisely posted upstream I’m the symptom and not the cause - he likes the idea of me and not me as a person.

Work on fixing whatever is making you unhappy and try not to reminisce about a person you don’t know. They can’t fix you and the image of the person you have created in your head is not real.

This is the zombiest zombie thread I've ever seen, although I'd love an update from the op.

Are you there, op?!

Hey sadgit these kinds of feelings come when we don't trust ourselves in the current moment we found ourselves in. It can also be that your decisions were questioned when you were growing up and so when you make a decision to end something with someone because it's not right or make a decision to move on from someone who ended things with you, you don't trust yourself that you made the right decision and that's why you stay stuck in that relationship even when the person has long moved on.

Thanks Snookie00.

Yes, I want very much not to be that unwanted presence lurking in the background as there is a fine line, I think, between staying in touch and stalking, particularly if the approaches aren't welcome. I hope that your experience doesn't cross into you feeling threatened by your ex.

I've really not had any contact with my ex since our break-up, apart from a weird interlude four years after the break-up when she started seeing my best friend, and I've picked up enough self-awareness over the years to understand that the person I'm longing for no longer exists she has had 30 years of life and experience since and was never the rose-tinted ideal I remember anyway.

I do think our paths crossed, unwittingly, several weeks ago which has brought a lot of old memories into the present.

I was able to get in touch with her parents and send her a letter c/o them. The letter acknowledges that it must be a surprise to hear from me and asking if she'd like to exhange emails to catch up on how the last three decades have gone. I've also stressed in the letter that if she doesn't get back to me that that's fine, because the fact that I'd like to get in touch with her doesn't entitle me to a response.

The fact is that when I Googled her name to see if she had a FB account, Google showed me very quickly her place of work. But that's not information I have any intention of using; if I can't get in touch via her parents then that's that, any other approach would be an abuse of privacy.

So yes, you're right.

The issue is that I have stagnant feelingas and memories to process.

If my ex gets back in touch all I really want to say is "I get it now. I hurt you when I descended into alcoholism and caused us to break up, and if I could take the hurt back I would". If there's a basis for friendship after that, that would be a bonus, but if not them making that apology would be enough.

But thank you for sharing the experience from the other side :-)

Thanks welikebeingcosy,

Appreciate the kind thoughts and advice :-)

Hi sadgit, my first love did what you did last year and reached out to me to apologise for the hurt he caused decades earlier. It was a horrible part of my life and pretty much everything was wrong with what had happened with that guy.
You have to realise that you don't know what feelings you may unleash in your ex. I was in shock! And I realised all the unresolved feelings I still had about him. It ripped everything open. To an extent, it was great to finally get an outlet and tell him what it had meant for me, the consequences of his actions. He took an emotional battering from me which must have been painful. But it was not as healing as you might think. I felt like I had to grieve that time all over again. An old ghost had come back to life. The conclusion of all that was simply that his suffering and regrets can't undo my own. I don't want to be the source of unhappiness, what good does that do me? So, he finally acknowledged he can't move past his guilt. I acknowledged a part of me hasn't and won't get over it. That's part of our lives, we have to accept it and live the rest of our days the best we can. Sorry if that's cold comfort but sometimes what you think will give you closure just ends up reinforcing those old feelings. They're like a chronic illness. Accept them, don't let them consume you and don't long for a magic cure. She can't give it to you. The only cure is forgiving yourself.

@SadCow I have a similar thought process about someone OP l. I try and remember that it’s largely in my head...you called it off, remember. So something wasn’t perfect at the time, or you wouldn’t have done that. Just because nobody has matched up since doesn’t mean he was everything and completely right for you. Remember that as time goes on, the romantic glasses get stronger. You may well not have been happy with him. You can’t know for sure.

As horrible as it is you need to try and re frame this as something that didn’t work out because it wasn’t right for you at that time. And that’s ok. It’s normal. He might be a great man, but he won’t be perfect and someone else out there could be a better, real fit for you. The reality is you wouldn’t be apart right now if it has always been the perfect fit. I agree with the idea of counselling, it helped me. Hope you’re ok.

Thanks Quietrebel.

I don't take your words as cold comfort. Like Snookie's comments they give a grounding and needed perspective from the other side of the equation.

I'm aware that my trying to contact my ex may not be welcome. If that's the case and she maintains silence I'm steadfast that I won't press further. In fact, if I'd have known two weeks ago what I know now from you and Snookie I might not even have written to her in the first place. I can see now that I may have given in to a selfish impulse by writing to her.

I've not mentioned previously that I've been sober for 18 years and in a stable relationship for 15 and a father for 13. I've learned to be a grown-up and if that means maintaining a lifelong distance from someone who'd rather not hear from me then that's that.

But the letter's been written.

If my ex gets back then realistically the best I think I can do is offer my apologies and hope they are well received. I'm not expecting to rekindle even a friendship, but I do hope I can put a past hurt to rest.

But the action that will truly allow me to grow past this is the action of going into counselling.

But thank you for the reality check and view from the other side.

I truly appreciate it.

This is very hard, and there was a US research who did a lot of research on the "lost love" phenomena. Google Nancy Kalish if interested.

I've not mentioned previously that I've been sober for 18 years and in a stable relationship for 15 and a father for 13. I've learned to be a grown-up and if that means maintaining a lifelong distance from someone who'd rather not hear from me then that's that.

Congratulations on the long term sobriety. It sounds like you have managed to truly grow and improve. That is quite an achievement. Not that many people actually change. Ironically, you feel the mistakes of the past now more keenly precisely because you are a better human being.

Thanks @Quietrebel :-)

@blisstwins

This is very hard, and there was a US research who did a lot of research on the "lost love" phenomena. Google Nancy Kalish if interested.

Thanks @blisstwins. Lots of food for thought here :-)

Sadgit. You say you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Is your current partner aware of any of your feelings on this and how do you reconcile this with remaining in a relationship with her? If the woman of your dreams does make contact, are you willing to jeopardise everything you have worked so hard to create? The grass is most definitely not always greener and could ruin what you’ve got now. Please be mindful of not allowing a belated wistfulness of a time long past and never to be found again to ruin your present.

Hi @Snookie00

Thanks for your concern, but my current relationship is safe.

The way that memories of my ex intrude into my thoughts normally just every few days but currently several times an hour or even several times a minute is something that I view very much as a mental-health issue. Romantic OCD if you like.

I've acquired enough self-awareness to understand that the young-woman in my memories no longer exists in any meaningful way; the woman who she has become, whoever that may be, is thirty years removed from her younger self.

But my feelings about her are blocked in the past and that's the problem.

By reaching out to my ex I hope to be able to make amends for the hurt that, on sober and more mature reflection, I caused her when I became emotionally and physically unavailable to her through the onset of alcoholism. And I hope that making those amends will be welcomed by her and will unburden me of a past behaviour that still causes me to wince in guilt.

But for me the real work needs to happen inside my head, in counselling.

My wife is unaware of this and I don't propose to share any of it with her, as it would be hard for her to hear anything other than "I'm always thinking about another woman". Even if she could reconcile with the fact that I consider the intrusive memories a bad thing, she would still be hurt that I had carried this burden without looking to her for support.

I've had counselling before, for alcoholism, and in matters like this there is a difference between 'keeping secrets' and 'wanting privacy'. The work me and my counsellor have in front of us is private.

But rest assured, in the unthinkable event that my ex gets back and wants to rekindle anything (and it is unthinkable) it wouldn't happen. I don't know her the current her at least and I'm not prepared to shatter the lives of me my wife and my kids for someone who is, essentially, now a stranger.

But thanks for checking in to see that I wasn't planning on embarking on any stupid plans...

@SadGit2021 I really don't want to come across like I'm lecturing you on this, but snookie makes an excellent point. Another warning coming from my own experience is that the invasion of the present by the past is potentially very disruptive. My husband found out about my correspondence with my ex and it really upset him. It most emphatically was not an emotional affair but it had a similar impact on him. All of a sudden another relationship, another man, was taking up space in my head. He felt threatened, no matter how I tried to explain and put into context. It was made worse by the fact that like you I wanted to keep past and present separate- but as it was a secret, it became a betrayal. Quite a hard thing to overcome as a couple. With hindsight, I should have been more open. I see why you wouldn't want to though.

Thanks @Quietrebel,

Please don't think that I feel lectured. In fact your perspective is truly valued and appreciated. The motivation behind me trying to contact my ex is mostly to try and make amends for hurts caused in the past. The last thing I want to do is create fresh pain.

So the letter's been sent, but if it's a timebomb I don't think there's an immediate risk of it going off.

I was able to send it c/o my ex's parents because I called in at their house and, to my surprise, found that they were still at the same place after 30 years. I had a nice chat with her mum, so when a letter subsequently arrived for my ex under her married name and c/o her parents her mum would have understood immediately that the letter was from me. So if the letter's arrival is a sensitive issue - maybe if my ex and her husband are going through a rough patch - then her Mum will be smart enough to be discrete. In fact the letter might be in the recyling already on that basis.

So the letter's unlikely to land on my ex's doormat with a bang because it's with her Mum, although I do increasingly wonder if sending it at all was the right thing to do.

But if the letter does get to my ex and if she does decide to get back to me I will be all the more mindful of the fact that it's not just her I'm engaging with, it's her family, and that the need to be sensitive to even unspoken boundaries is vitally important.

So thanks again, @Quietrebel. You're help and advice is very much appreciated.

I think some of the advice on the old thread would still help here. No one is perfect and if you were still with them it’s almost certain it would t be as amazing as you think all the time.

Hi again @Quietrebel

Sorry, I'm so wrapped up in my own issues that I forgot to ask if you and your partner are past the turmoil you went through last year.

I treated your life experience, which you were generous enough to share, like a case study and that was self-centred of me.

Are you well, after all that happened to you?

Hello. Joining in here. Im in a similar situation. I've been married for 6 years. My long lost love married for 5. We split 12 years ago but I miss him still. I found out he misses me as well but we both have young children and are reasonably happy. It would cause too much damage to do anything about it. Just wish I could stop missing him so much.

Well i did something stupid and wrote a longish appomogetic explanation letter to an ex from 25 years ago. Then followed it up with an email asking if we could meet up - just to put a cherry on the stupid cake.

No reply to either which is probably a good thing as I can now think of her with the contempt she deserves !

Just wanted to say that I'm going through something very similar. Was dumped by my first boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. It was horrible and I spent months trying to contact him before I was forced, literally, to give up.

I have a new boyfriend now who is great and objectively a better boyfriend, but I can't help longing for my ex sometimes and dreaming about him. I know he's not who I thought he was, so the person I long for doesn't exist anymore.

It's definitely some sort of OCD, obsessive thinking.

Hey Miss Rabbit !

Sometimes your brain just won't do what's best for you ... ex was a bit of a femme fatal .. had one affair while still married, split up with her husbsnd, had another fling, then it was my turn until i was dumped for a married man 15 years older than her .... all work relationships except her husband.

Should really have known better over that one .......

Sorry to drag this back up! But I asked Google the question and found this thread… are you over him yet?

I know this is a zombie thread but I did a search on google for a similar thing and this came up, thank you to everyone who wrote on here its been really helpful in knowing I am not alone in my feelings. I know me missing my ex isnt really about him and just how I'm feeling sad and alone at this time on my life. I do think though that he was my soulmate and I just have to live with that.

I just wrote a similar thread then saw this I am not the only one who still cares after a long time