Book recommendations to help a friend understand psychological abuse allegations

[comoatoupeira]

A friend of mine, a man, has been left by his girlfriend because of ‘psychological violence’. They have a four year old and she has taken her with her, of course. They moved in with her mum, and then subsequently moved into a shelter.

My friend claims to be completely knocked sideways by this, claims to have no idea why she has gone to a shelter, thinks it’s totally disproportionate and she is taking up space of someone who might be a victim of what he calls ‘real’ violence.

I was really firm, a bit harsh, with him and told him he needs to engage with exactly what she is accusing him of, and the ignorance card isn’t going to get him anywhere. I gently asked if he had been reading stuff online and surprise surprise he said ‘yeah it’s amazing there are all these men’s rights support groups’… then I had a go at him about that of course.

After the phone call I felt really frustrated that he didn’t understand what psychological violence is. I thought of sending him Why does he do that but I think something more subtle and complex and thoughtful would suit him more. He trusts me so I reckon he would read it. Any recommendations?

thanks

Eek. Well done for challenging him. Sounds frustrating and exhausting.

No book springs to mind but have you considered recommending a fiction rather than non fiction book about coercive control (particularly the non physically violent / insidious type of abuse). To help build empathy rather than give instruction. For example something like the comfort of strangers by Ian McEwan (unless that would just go over his head?)

I doubt he doesn't understand what it is.

I wouldn't give him any books he may use to manipulate or hide his actions better.

He's probably playing ignorance and playing you.

I'd be taking a step back from a man like this.

Thanks

At the Women's Aid group programme I attended, those women subjected to both physical and psychological abuse found the physical abuse easier to bear. They knew that once the beating was finished, they were (relatively) safe until the next one. The psychological abuse though was persistent with added constant uncertainty of triggering a physical response.

Men who are psychologically abusive never get it. It's always someone else's fault, not their responsibility etc, etc. They see themselves as the ones being victimised, they gaslight and DARVO. They rarely change as they don't think they are the problem.

For his ex to be offered a shelter place, the abuse will have been bad. I could not remain friends with someone like that.

thanks yes.
But then what do we do about these people? In a society we have to help each other out, I see my role as his friend as helping him see what he’s done and to want to change.
I’ll protect myself but I’m not going to cut him out, then he’ll just get full into men’s rights and become a dangerous outcast

He's already dangerous.

His partner fled to a refuge. You don't do that for fun.

You need to point him at therapy and a perpetrator's programme, not a couple of books.