Sexless marriage - what now?

[CCb85]

I love my husband and i know he cares about me. But for the last few years (after baby 3) we have gone weeks/months without being intimate. Using little one/toredness as an excuse.
Shes now 5.

My husband is struggling with the idea of the snip, hes struggling with it and after depression/anxiety diagnosis i dont want to go on pill in my 40s. Im on enough medication. He went for a consultation and said he was on the list. Like i said out baby is now 5. Still waiting. I quized hom over it the other day, if he'd heard from them and he said no, followed by im 50 this year, is there any point....?

We havent had sex for 6 months, this is the longest its been. Every few weeks (befpre my period im moody and low and get upset over the idea of this happening. Ive explained that my head messes with me with things like, why doesnt he miss this? Why doesnt he address the lack of attention, how does he seem so contect, unphased.... is he in a relationship or has his attengion shifted to someone else?? I get hormonal and silly.

He was honest enough to say that he left like his libido had gone and that men not need the connection women crave. He 'sorts himself out' and seems contect that way.

I challanged him with, dont you miss it or wonder how im feeling going without. Would you be concerned if i was content?
He felt like he hadnt noticed it had been so long.

Then after some tears and chat he came up with how maybe to.beat the fatigue we should start looking after ourselves more. Naturally being hormonal at the time i took it badly and got upset, addressing the fact that its not his libido, hes just not attracted to me anymore, physically. I have struggled with my baby weight this time around, especially since last year accepting my anxiety issues.

Im a 16/18 and 40.

I agree we should try and be healthier for our family/selves. But i cant shake off the notion that hes just not into me.
This chat was a month ago and nothing since.
I go to bed around 10ish, im an early bird. He like to stay up late and watch tv.

I gave him a head massage randonly the other day, as his neck was sore at his desk. He said thanks after i stopped then went to his shed to fox his motor bike. Nothing.

I feel awkward, uselss and like ive lost my touch. I feel now if he did try it on i'd just be numb or struggle to strip.off infront of him. My confidence is shot.

Why are you assuming it’s you rather than he just doesn’t have a sex drive at all? I think you need to try and have an honest conversation with him to know which it is. I am the one with the very low sex drive in my marriage - married 16 years - mainly due to my own complex health issues, and my dh always thinks it’s him when it isn’t him at all; I’m not interested in sex full stop. We’ve had some very difficult conversations about it all and have both decided to try and compromise because we love each other and have no plans to go anywhere but one of the things that I find very difficult is his assumption it’s “him”. Conversely, I have been on the other side of this situation in my previous marriage (!)

I think if it is a case of him just being not interested at all how does that leave you?

Im just struggling to.understand why he hasnt addressed it or mentioned anything to me. Im not judging him if its his libido or if hes struggling. It might be my aniexty, but i just feel lost or left wondering as another month rolls by that hes not interested. Avoiding it, who knows??

Ive brought it up more than once of the years, and its always the same thing, always feels like an excuse, hards to not take it personally. Because i dont see him worried about my needs, hes honest enough to.say he just 'knocks one out in tbe shower' its not on his radar at the moment. Hes accepted hes not in his 20s anymore.

Im just worried he find me unattractive and i just dont do it for him anymore.
Him tiptoing and saying lets start looking after ourselves i feel is his way of saying try and loose weight.

@CCb85
Is the issue contraception or lack of interest/drive/initiation?
On contraception - why do you only consider snip or pill? Why not just use condoms? Or somehow that is not acceptable - do oral? Or use dates counting/ovulation testing?

Do you ever initiate yourself? How does he react?

He "sorts himself out"? You mean he still masturbates frequently?

Ok. So let’s assume you’re right and he doesn’t feel as physically attracted to you as he used to. Are you happy with how you look? If you are then that’s absolutely fine. If it’s low down on your list of priorities. That’s also fine. But he’s attracted to you in a certain way that you currently don’t represent. So I guess he is entitled to not have to force himself to have sex. Which he shouldn’t have to and likewise neither should you. If you are not happy with your health or appearance and are in a capacity to make changes that would help you look and feel better. What is he prepared to do to facilitate this. He suggested taking more care of yourselves. Take that a clear offer of looking after the children/home while you do precisely that.
Or, before resentment sets in agree that you’ve grown apart in attraction and makes plans to either live separate lives or separate entirely.

Name change for this but I’m basically where you are.

It’s so difficult as we get along well in every other way. Same sense of humour, we have interesting chats, there’s no sexist divide in terms of housework and childcare. He’s very dependable, polite and just a good person. Therefore I haven’t left - I can’t leave all of those qualities and break up my home and my children’s lives on account of sex.

But I would by lying if I said it’s not really affecting me. I crave touch and to feel wanted again. I can’t go the rest of my life like this and I can’t change him. I’m going to wait it out until my youngest is at secondary and then probably look to split. Until then I’ll be ok, and our house is happy. It’s so tough.

We do/did use condoms. He struggles with latex (he says) and ive told him to explore types/options that might be better suited. Hes never bothered. Just buys whats on offer/available. Theres been times where we've not had condoms at the pinnicle moment, and its then killed the moment, caused argruments because who should have stocked up.

Ive stopped buying them Tbh. Doest phase him if we only have one random on left in his bedside draw. I used to wonder if he was shy buying them as its only since our 3rd baby we've started using them. Together 20 years, 14 married.... i was always on the pill.

He finds it moment killing, to stop, search the draw, open the packet, put it on.... i get it and at times i'd agree! We've gone from spontaneous and fun to growing old over night, but fumbling around in the dark like teenagers with condoms.

Forestflowers - it is sooooo hard!
I love my husband too, im just worried he doesnt really want me.
Hes a good man and a great dad!
What if hes putting up with me? For the kids. What if he cares about me but doesnt find me sexually attractive.
He'll always say "but i do love you"...

He suggested we take better care of ourselves, but hes slim and still goes to the local pub with mates every friday/darts. Still eats what he likes. Hes chanting away to me about "our health" but ive seen no change from him. Hence why i feel him say 'we need to take care of ourselves' its his cowardly way of saying, you've gone fat and i struggle to want sex with you.

I think initiating is a huge bump in the road as in the past (after 2md baby) i was very into it!! But my timinb wasnt the best. I'd get knocked back for initiating it at stupid oclock when hubby was on early mornings/travelling. One time i waiting for him on his way home from work, ready "to go" lets just say he had a bad day and i felt ridiculous. It hurt and i felt stupid. Ever since i struggle to know how to initiate it, like ive lost the ability. Tbh, a quickie is about as good as it gets if and when we do it, just becuase ive lost my confidence. I went from being confident and sexy and fun, to struggling to have a light on.
All these things dont help im sure.
And the last year ive been depressed/anxious so im trying to deal with that.
But i want things to change, im willing to try, baby steps. But i dont understand and worry that my man is going without, will he get bored, will he stray, doesnt he have needs that need meeting? I want to make him tick.
Does he care about my needs??

If he masturbates frequently I assume that means his sex drive has not gone.

Just looking at the jigsaw pieces - here’s two people, married to each other, with kids, who both still have a sex drive in some form. It feels as if it shouldn’t be this difficult.

As for ‘men not needing the connection women crave’ - you can barely move on this site for men informing MN as a whole that men connect through sex and that’s why it is so particularly terrible for a man to be with a woman and not to be having sex with her. So as a general principle that sounds like bullshit. However, maybe it’s a description of how he feels as an individual. And it’s an odd one.

A few questions:

• is his dad alive? If he’s dead, when did he die and what of? If he’s alive, did he have some major health event aged about 48-50 which cast a big shadow over your dh’s youth?
• Has your Dh ever had a problem with erections? Because this does sound like avoidance in some form.
• Sorry to be a cliche, but how is he doing at work? Have there been redundancies, is he afraid?

I’ll admit, fear of pregnancy is a thing. I spent a year not having penetrative sex with Dh because we were so terrified of having another. He’s on the older side for such young kids. Does he resent you downing tools on the contraception front? Is he lashing out?

The initiation issue. Well, all of us sometimes get frisky when our partners aren’t feeling it. In a healthy relationship you’d either laugh, ask to take a rain check or something like that. But it does get difficult when there are other strains.

My guess is that you carrying some extra pounds is a long way down this list.

He very much 'works' in that department.

No no health issues. No work issues.

If hes feels his libido is low, im wondering if hes bothered to explore this, is he worried, is he curious why? Because until i raised the issue recently that its been 6 months, he only then came out with well i think my libido is just low at the moment. At first it felt like an excuse.
But if that was the case, i wouldnt judge id be supportive. I need to go back and address it, at the right time.

I think there's an assumption men always want sex. My experience is that my dh wanted it constantly until he hit 45 and got some fibromyalgia and then his sex drive went.

I was very upset as I get how you feel, and I also assumed it was my weight, but actually it genuinely was that he just felt tired and was getting a bit older.

Are you otherwise physically affectionate? Do you cuddle and kiss and hold hands?

It is normal even for men, my dh’s libido had fallen as he’s gotten older , although it’s not so much the libido but is sometimes too tired to do the act which is fine as I am too but we still do. He doesn’t not have sex with me for 6 months at a time but sorts himself out in the shower.

Wanting to have sex / having the libido to want sex / the physical energy to have sex is a completely different thing to masturbating. There have been times I’ve been completely “off” sex and have still occasionally masturbated. It’s a bit like comparing having a cup of tea to taking part in a Japanese tea ceremony.

His sex drive might not have gone, but that doesn’t mean he still wants to be intimate with his wife any longer-

i was your husband last year- together for a long time - no sex for years- no interest in sex on either side. - a decent but boring life together- we were housemates not lovers.

we split last year and I moved out, I have since met someone new this year and my sex drive is back again- weight is not an issue as my new partner is bit overweight ( her words) - but the relationship is like a breath of fresh air for me, she is actually interested in me as a person

my best advice would be to forget about sex and get back to working on the relationship as it sounds like that is currently dead and your life is pretty stale right now - try being friends again and the sex will naturally reappear

I was a size 16/18 and lost 3 stone last year (mounjaro) and my sex life improved dramatically to the point it’s now almost daily. My DH was never cruel or unkind about my weight (and rarely mentioned it tbh outside of occasional health concerns) but does admit he fancies me more now which he puts mainly down to my increased confidence.
If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself obviously but I think it’s naive to deny humans aren’t biologically programmed to find obesity unattractive. FWIW my youngest was 10 when I lost the weight (and we only have 2) so further out the trenches than you. It’s tough I know.

I get that and I would say that’s quite normal when we get older however he does not want to have sex with his wife, it is an issue for her she’s raised it numerous times and she feels like shit but he’s instead wanking in the shower. This is a problem.

My H had the snip. He went to the GP, was referred and had the procedure with 3 months. The recovery was fine. He was uncomfortable for a few days but okay by day 3/4. He went back to work within 48 hours. He's bullshiting you. If he doesnt want to have it he needs to be upfront about it. It's his body and his choice but lying about it is a bit cowardly.

The sex thing is a bit miserable. Although, you can connect on different ways. Do you hold hands, kiss ect. If he doesn't want sex then he doesnt want it. Although, lack of drive could point to a health issue or hormonal changes so it might be worth him going to the GP.