Considering separation - young couple with toddler, unplanned pregnancy

[user1471470969]

Hello!

I have been religiously searching through Mumsnet for the last few months to try to find someone who has been in a similar position but have finally decided to make my own post in desperate need for advice or support.

I met my partner in March of 2023 and things went very quickly - I’d just turned 20 (him 25), we were young & excited. Our first ‘date’ turned into seeing each other daily and moving in together quickly - no pressure on either side it just sort of happened. Our relationship was very tumultuous from early on - lots of arguing. I’d describe it as a whirlwind - all happened too quickly! There was never a moment where we realised we were in love with each other, it all just happened.

We are very different people - different interests, political views, likes & dislikes. I often feel unappreciated and looked down on by him - as if my interests, job and opinions aren’t as important as his own. He’d often become angry with me for seemingly no reason and shun me - which I would let upset me.

I found out I was pregnant in February 2024, taking contraception and completely unplanned. Our relationship wasn’t in a great place anyway but I knew abortion wasn’t an option for me and whatever happened I would raise my child (I’d always wanted to be a Mum and was as excited as I was terrified). He wanted me to have an abortion and when I told him I wasn’t going to it took a few weeks / months for him to decide he was going to stick by me and support me. I went to every appointment with my Mum and felt I couldn’t be excited about the pregnancy as he kept the attitude of the pregnancy being a burden. I bought every single item for our child, curated his nursery, obsessively researched everything I could ever need to be prepared. I never really stopped to question if I wanted to do this with him, it seemed like a no-brainer that we’d do it together now he said he would. We argued through the pregnancy, it was a tough time.

Fast forward to now - we have a 1.5 year old who we both absolutely adore. I do 99% of the housework & childcare and he is the main breadwinner. Our relationship isn’t great - during the pregnancy he completely withdrew from me and as a result I withdrew from him. For the last year he has embraced fatherhood (even mentioning wanting more children) and is wanting more of a relationship with me, but I just feel completely withdrawn and unable to reconnect. I’ve tried to discuss this with him as he tells me often he feels I don’t love him and I reassure him I do, but I really don’t know if this is true. A lot of discussion about our relationship ends in him becoming emotional - he has childhood trauma which explains a lot of the issues we have. It’s all very complicated and confusing. 99% of our conversations are now started by him asking if I love him and how he feels unloved. I feel absolutely adverse to any sort of physical intimacy - hugging, kissing. I feel so incredibly guilty for this but can’t force it as hard as I try.

My partner is a much better partner than he used to be, but it’s almost as if it’s come too late. He adores our son, but has never even had him for a full day without me. I’ve never had a break, but as it was me who decided to continue with the pregnancy I have accepted this and don’t resent this. He really doesn’t help out with any of the housework or childcare. He will tell me when he is seeing his friends or going out, whereas I have to ask (I’ve maybe done this 3 times in 1.5 years whereas he does it weekly!)

I have been in love before and don’t feel this way about him. I know if we didn’t have a child our relationship would have run its course. We don’t have a connection, we are different people. There has never really been a spark (apart from the initial attraction). I feel awful for feeling this way - my son is my absolute priority and I want for him to have a family unit but I grew up with parents who didn’t separate until way after they should’ve (and things were SO much better when they did)

I’m only 23 and find it hard to accept that this is my relationship for the rest of my life - no love. This situation is consuming my thoughts constantly and I think it’s impacting my ability to be the Mum I want to be. Would I be an awful mother for breaking up the family unit just for not being in love? My partner is a business owner and makes us financially secure. However, he has little family support which makes me feel awful about how he would cope if we did separate. When we have discussed it he has said he wouldn’t be able to cope not living with us. I’m not as financially secure (I am not able to work as much as I’d like to as I work night shifts and my partner struggles having our son for the night so I can work) and am starting university part time in September, but have a large deposit for a house and a lot of family support.

My ideal world would be two homes, close together. Him having completely open access to our son and for us to continue to do some things as a family unit, just not as a romantic couple. I have no interest in finding another partner now, but feel committing to a life of no love at 23 hard to come to terms with.

I'm sorry this is all so messy. I have no idea how to write this all down. We are pursuing couples therapy (at his request) as he would like to make things better, but I know I’ll be going into it wanting to leave.

I’d really like any advice you may have, please ask any questions I may have left out answers to. I romanticise the idea of being a single Mum - able to focus on my son 100% and not have to constantly feel guilty about failing a romantic relationship - but feel this is naive. I cook, clean & wash for him and would appreciate not having an extra person to look after. How do I broach this topic again without it resulting in me feeling too guilty to say I want to leave? He has upcoming surgery and little family support - he has a very close relationship with my family and I feel as if he needs them as much as he needs me and I don’t want him to lose it. There are so many aspects making this so hard and complicated. I feel selfish, stuck and confused.

You sound like me ten years ago. I had a second who ended up with health problems and a lot of time in hospital. This added to the pressure and the feelings I was stuck with him. He was a good dad so we carried on. The. My mum got sick- like you my ex was also very close to my family, but while I was in hospital with our son he didn’t really check on my mum which really upset me as my mum had helped and supported us alot.

in the end I broke up with him on my birthday. I couldn’t face another year feeling the way I did. It was terrifying, but a relief.

a few years later I met a lovely man who I am deeply in love with and we had a child together a few years after that.

my ex has met someone and is happy. Leaving that relationship was the best thing I did for everyone, including our children tbh, and everyone is happy and witnessing healthy happy relationships. My kids have loads of people who adore them.

Do try the marital counseling, and put the effort in suggested, to at minimum say that you gave it a try before throwing in the towel. You might either be surprised that improvement might change your feelings for the better, or confirm that even following the guidance of a skilled professional has still not altered how you want to part ways.

Take it as you being a normal person and having empathy for his well-being if you divorce. But you can't be a sacrificial lamb and stay when your life will be miserable just to not upset him. He is an adult and will have to handle things the best he can.

It's incredibly normal to be head-over-heels in love at age 20 and feeling like you don't care if you never see him again a couple of years later - most people have been there and you mention you'd "been in love" before, so you're already aware that love in youth often doesn't last.

You have to make the best decision for you and your child - which isn't to stick in a relationship in which you will become increasingly resentful and unhappy.

Thank you so much for your replies @MilkAndFenty @ScorpionLioness79 @VickyEadie - it really is such a hard situation and I appreciate your honesty & advice so much. We will definitely give counselling a try, even if it does just confirm how I’m feeling.

He’s taking the mick really to guilt trip you about leaving whilst putting in no effort to make your life with him better - ie by behaving as a fully functioning adult and contributing to housework, childcare and supporting you to have time to yourself. He’s exploiting you.

Your university will likely have a crèche. You’ll be able to get a better job that doesn’t require night shifts. When you split you’ll have more time to yourself as he’ll have his contact time. You’re not stuck with him or with this as your life. You’ve got a bright future.

You’re so young! Please don’t stay in this relationship. You sound totally miserable. He sounds very controlling and incredibly lazy. Why do you have to ask permission to go out? And why isn’t he pulling his weight with housework and parenting your child?

You don’t need to feel guilty about breaking up. As you said yourself, if there was no child involved you’d be long gone. Leave for your sake. You cannot possibly put up with this for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. If it makes you feel better/less guilty go to the counselling session, but honestly? You don’t need it! You know this isn’t right.

What does you mum think about it all? If you were my DD, I’d be telling you to run for the hills. Or at the very least to come home.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn thank you both so much for your replies - I really appreciate the advice & support.

I think the hardest part of this is that he is trying so much harder as he knows how close our romantic relationship is to ending - he is a much better father and partner now on paper, but I completely mentally checked when he withdrew during pregnancy. Whenever I do try to “act normal” and make a conscious effort to show intimacy, it seems as though he stops trying again and settles into past ways with mood swings and lack of support.

We have had a chat this evening and he has been very upset. I feel incredibly guilty and keep trying to reiterate that whatever happens between us I will not let it impact his relationship or time spent with our son. I’m just so worried about how he will cope without me - this seems to be my main reservation about separating. I am finding it really difficult to cope with the guilt and almost wish he was still acting how he used to so it would be easier.

Apologies for the short response earlier. Your reply has been so reassuring and affirming. Could you tell me a bit more about what the early days / weeks / months were like? I can imagine it was an incredibly hard conversation to have, finally deciding to separate on your birthday. Did you ever feel any guilt or regret afterwards? I’m so inspired by the way you’ve been able to co-parent and build such content lives separately. Thank you so much again for your reply ❤️

Like you, I’d had so many conversations with him before hand, and nothing would change. He was still shocked when I said I’d had enough! He also offered to do some counselling at that point but tbh it was too late for that.

it was hard at first navigating it all, and my mum died shortly afterwards which added to the whole dismal situation,

we didn’t own a home, we rented, so that made it easier, and I applied for UC which helped. We had some teething problems co parenting at the start, but we found our feet. Through it all I still knew it was the right decision even when I was having a wobble, and I just became happier and happier as time went on really! It made it clearer I’d done the right thing. I know it’s so daunting, but you will be fine if you choose to leave, especially with good family support.

Oh to add- I forgot to type it earlier as I was in a rush, we also met under very similar circumstances to you guys and I was only 21, which is why I felt compelled to respond to your op ❤️

Also yes to guilt and regret! But still this overwhelming relief underneath it all!

You do not have to go through counselling if you don’t love him. Why put either of you through that if you know the end will be the same? In fact it’s kinda mean , and may harm your ultimate aim, which is to co-parent peacefully.

You don’t owe him your life just because he wants to be with you. Would the relationship have lasted if you hadn’t gotten pregnant?

You can have a relationship going forward as co-parents, but not as a couple. From what you have said he will probably kick off about this, and there may be sulks and strops on the way.

Plan for your future as a single mum, you may need to seek legal advice, but you need to find out how to make this work alone ( in the immediate future anyway) and keep calm through all the upcoming discussions.

Hopefully it will all come good in the end.

To be honest, it really sounds like this relationship was never really meant to be:

"I met my partner in March of 2023 and things went very quickly - I’d just turned 20 (him 25), we were young & excited. Our first ‘date’ turned into seeing each other daily and moving in together quickly - no pressure on either side it just sort of happened. Our relationship was very tumultuous from early on - lots of arguing. I’d describe it as a whirlwind - all happened too quickly! There was never a moment where we realised we were in love with each other, it all just happened.
We are very different people - different interests, political views, likes & dislikes. I often feel unappreciated and looked down on by him - as if my interests, job and opinions aren’t as important as his own. He’d often become angry with me for seemingly no reason and shun me - which I would let upset me."

You somehow fell into living together even though there was lots of arguing, you never really fell in love with each other and he has often treated you badly. It sounds like, if you hadn't had his baby, you would no longer be together. This wouldn't be okay at any life stage but particularly not at 23. There's a Mumsnet saying - don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It would be far better for you to walk away now and concentrate on co-parenting sensibly.

Rather than feel guilty, see it as opening it up for him to find a new girlfriend who loves him more than you do. He’ll be sad at first but happier in the long run.

Sounds like it was a bad relationship from the start and that he’s a poor father. ending it and encouraging him to be a decent parent seems the right decision.

Would prepare for him to be absent for your DC. He might step up to co parent separately but many fathers don’t and he’s been poor as a father so far.

you now have a DC to consider, so wouldn’t date again until a long time has passed and you’ve ‘worked on yourself’ as you’ve made some poor decisions regarding this relationship.

You are only 23 and you have your whole life ahead of you and so much time to meet someone else . Personally I would leave in your shoes as soon as possible and co parent . Certainly do not have another child with him .